What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I am going to write down one more thing I realized: I believe (at least for me) there is a big big difference in a helpful thing falling through than something dreaded occurring I've done everything in my power to avoid; that solutions to prevent it that I and they know I would likely never do aren't really, they are just a way to blame me for it, require more out of me, and still have no forewarning what might be coming down the pike in reality. So really, just said to cut the dead weight (me). I was told it was my fault (went by x3 answer), and that I am ungrateful because much has been done for me. I think that is true. Mistakes can happen, or more importantly they owe me nothing and this was not structured/ scheduled/ paid for by me. And they've done a lot. But because it means nothing to them, doesn't mean I don't have to deal with the fallout. Therefore I chose and planned badly. which of course, is also on me. I was never angry at them, but I am angry at myself. I see they chose not to say or didn't want to face me or it didn't even cross their mind, so I ended up with that shocker. I must admit, I do find it hard(er) to believe someone who is not On Call does not know if they are working or not. Well making more effort, that doesn't bode logically well or phyically or on a heart level, for me. Which frankly, was probably pulled out of the hat, or because it will never be taken up on. (Like telling someone Call Anytime. (Except now lol) ). Oh well. Learned a lot. Feel and felt like this every time I get ground through my sisters' mills. I can get plenty of shame with half the effort.

Oddly, they spoke of being afraid or hurt they were left out of family Easter plans, and a time of isolation. You should see how that feels after 30, 40, 50 years. They thought of their's, too bad it didn't matter for what I was relying on and conversely what I've said repeatedly I couldn't bear, which they knew but it obviously meant nothing. Just as even after it, they never asked me my plans, and said I didn't acknowledge their efforts. Well, God knows I've tried. That would be insane to trust in further. There is no sound basis for trusting in indifference or avoidance. That is what I feel, even if that means I am unfortunately not grateful enough. Can't say I blame them. Sometimes when you feel like you're not welcome, you simply aren't.
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I suppose I should have said (for me) the words 'love' and 'God' are interchangeable.

A person complained- and outright lied- at work. No good deed goes unpunished, boy. Benn nothing but grief with them for years. 😢😢😢😢
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Was thinking I got baptized today, well not today, I was a lot smaller! Found out kind of by chance. My name was spelt differently (I knew that, changed it as a kid). I wish I had been able to get to an Easter Sunday Mass. Could have used a lift. But probably thinking of it because I am tired and worn down. Plus sh*tty thoughts/ dread, re: work. Kind of feels like Easter didn't happen. But again, tired. Maybe transient.

Dickens often comes to my mind many times the past 20 years: ~"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Well I saw an online Mass, that was nice. Oddly I thought, why is my phone ringing quietly? But it wasn't, it was someone there with my ringtone. But my ringtone is kind of unusual (I say it sounds like The Ice Cream truck!), called Homecoming.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
We have got a whole back yard full of water. If this continues or greatly worsens as they are predicting is possible we will drown. 😭 Ground is too frozen to absorb.
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Thankful! Got last 1HP pump and some kind of snake hose and cleared much! Knowing overland flooding (I've got the water marks to prove it 🥴, mostly on my face) , you don't want to walk on anything you don't want to re-do later (landscape, ground; it will all need to be fixed or replaced). But to some degree there's no alternative. But the ground is so frozen, it didn't even sink under my whole body weight.
Very Grateful.
 
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