What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I was thinking, after my life I've lived, I could say 'a peace of me is missing'. Tired of trying though, wish it were done. Was thinking the really good thing is if we could switch places with someone who was, were that possible. Would be useful.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Ya I get it @Lumos . I am just waiting to get it over with at this point. Hope it can turn around for you.

Was thinking I ran my rear off yesterday, only to have it fall apart last minute because I had to avoid walking on exploding eggshells. Not that it matters anyway.

Sure could buy a lot of drugs at the bus stop I have to use if you wanted.

Talking to someone busy looking over my shoulder. Why bother?
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Yes I guess I found clarity too.

Remembered being left at 3 or 4 years old at the movie theatre, more than once actually, was scared as didn't know way out (I think scared because of the dark), or how to get home. Remember thinking why didn't they just leave me at home? And being afraid, crying silently in my seat as the movie repeated again but not leaving.

Same type of feeling- why not be told something/ me is stupid or not important, instead of me/it being ridiculed behind my back? Why not be told am looking for someone/ something else, and don't care less, than keep looking over my shoulder? Why not say go away, than avoid? Etc. But much like when I was 3, probably necessitated by appearances. Which is understandable as it's a required front.

But as a person who can't help feel vulnerable, and predicated my efforts to persevere/ show up based on what I thought was enough security based on trust and caring, but neither of which it shows me exists, then I am the fool as an adult. Who has to take myself out of the theatre. And because now there is little point to believing it is a source of strength, if the words don't apply, or apply to others perhaps but not to me. No consolation in that for me. But I am not 3, and a source of strength or hope isn't one if it isn't true or isn't applicable to me.

Idk if that makes sense. It does to me. It feels like popping a balloon, or letting the air out. And it simply is what it is. My hurt feelings aren't relevant or important. I see why it makes me angry at myself, too. It should. I am not 3 and I wouldn't sit in the theatre now. -Shouldn't, or it's on me. And really, really, really should have kept my mouth shut.
 
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