It feels scary to know I have no real coping mechanism, or what I thought I had is gone. I have only one place I can think of to go, and it in itself is triggering so it's like 1 step forward, 2 back. Idk what I'll do, tbh. Do without I guess. i feel like I'm where I was at 14 again.
It's my birthday on Tuesday and I'm still randomly feeling icky and even when I tried putting the assault nightmares to the side and focus a bit more on studying I still end up having another weird grandad nightmare.
Sooooo thankful my shoulder/ neck is less sore, better than in weeks, could actually sleep some the last 2 nights. W.o.w.
Have to get going, required! 48 plants to get in the ground. And hopefully not kill lol. Were a great deal though, sot about that for 4 plants, but they are roots, said keep 2 weeks and it's been about 2 months!
There are condiment flavored popsicles now. () But they said there is also KD flavored ice cream. How to confuse your kids.
I decided last night to move today's plans to tomorrow. Though it obligates me tomorrow.
Was thinking I know neighbour is good to his word for help. But I dread when we will work together.
I have been trying hard to get my footing, get some progress, and schedule times I can attend what I relied on in the past (free, no attendance limits). I asked when the times were, only to see it was today (not offered). I am trying hard not to have it mean more than it does in a negative way. But it's hard not to feel unwelcome when I feel like it's intentional exclusion. And/ or there is a reason for the exclusion.
I am purposefully writing in "I" statements, to take onus that is how I feel.
And it makes me want to run in the other direction. Which may or may not be the intent. But is how I feel. Especially if that is a correct analysis. And still leaves me without help. Which however is not their requirement to provide.
I don't know if my perception is skewed or not. I asked when it was available thurs through sunday because I am off. They never said today. I saw today accidentally. I feel their response was on purpose. I feel avoided, excluded, +/or my presence verrrrrry unwelcome.
I am very tempted to decide if that means they want me to go away and make a fresh start elsewhere. Or just 'go'. Or rather that I am unwelcome when others' presence is desired but they don't want to be the one to say it.
Funny thing is, I probably wouldn't have gone. It's not saying it was available when I asked specifically that hurts me and undermines my confidence that I am at all welcome. This was someone I knew for a very long time who I trust to be honest.
I sure don't want to watch it online though. Feels like ashes in the mouth. Or just sad. In any case a negative connotation.
Sorry for all the yap. At least I got words, now I will put it away.