What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

ETA, And was thinking, trying to pull for people with losses or impending ones and suffering, chronic and acute, as I have been through the same, but even as recent as 2020 with immediate family, these others did not for me/ them. And barely acknowledged their death(s), nor my grief. I have a lot to think about with that, and what it showed, or means/ infers.. Though quite frankly, I won't be wasting a lot of time thinking on it, except for decision making. Think it's pretty obvious, even to a stupid-as* like me.

And maybe too that's just misfounded expectation on my part: just be grateful for what I can be grateful for. There are no requirements for care or sincerity from others, why think so? Unnecessary and not founded. Irrelevant.
 
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Was going to put this in vent but it's not anger I feel, but worry, pain and grief: crazy psychopath relative I've last seen 26 years ago- on purpose) trying to destroy one sister and all that is precious to her, and get her where it counts. Seemingly made good headway tonight, insisting on burying ashes in my dad's grave (my sister paid for and for whom my dad adored and made my guardian since she was the only one who wouldn't have farmed me out of the 3, and was too responsible) , and saying it is on the condition she will leave her estate to this sister (BS, already stole and has all her life). And that she has, quote, "A Plan B". She is and has always been consumed with unparalleled jealousy of her. And always been consumed with self, power, destruction, money and scheming and destruction. Has no conscience and even less remorse. And is skilled in her ways. This was planned, as was the timing, and found out because a cousin died. She is the Cane in Cane and Abel, without exaggeration and knowing full what that means. Frightening, creepy and heartbreaking.
 
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Lilac98

MyPTSD Pro
Anxiety about seeing my autism worker. Having to tell her she reminded of person in my nightmare. Everyone wants me to move forward with her but I don't think I can. Bear will have to be my new helper.
 

Agita Kaput

Policy Enforcement
Sponsor
Was going to put this in vent but it's not anger I feel, but worry, pain and grief: crazy psychopath relative I've last seen 26 years ago- on purpose) trying to destroy one sister and all that is precious to her, and get her where it counts. Seemingly made good headway tonight, insisting on burying ashes in my dad's grave (my sister paid for and for whom my dad adored and made my guardian since she was the only one who wouldn't have farmed me out of the 3, and was too responsible) , and saying it is on the condition she will leave her estate to this sister (BS, already stole and has all her life). And that she has, quote, "A Plan B". She is and has always been consumed with unparalleled jealousy of her. And always been consumed with self, power, destruction, money and scheming and destruction. Has no conscience and even less remorse. And is skilled in her ways. This was planned, as was the timing, and found out because a cousin died. She is the Cane in Cane and Abel, without exaggeration and knowing full what that means. Frightening, creepy and heartbreaking.
I realized 2 months ago (for the third time... memory issue) my ex wife is a narcissist so I just finished my 4th book on NPD. What a soul F***.

I think 90% of the worlds suffering relates to this. (Not my Ex per se... NPD). Literally "unbelievable." Thats what makes the gaslighting so effective. IE: "You, a supposed human being just did that? No way!" Uhh huh. Way.
 
Yes oddly @Agita Kaput I never knew anything about NPD , but some things were textbook (like a compliment including an insult). Strange. But where NPD differs from sociopathy, Idk. I do know it explains some of the issues growing up around it and beyond.

Oddly, I have always noticed the terrible pain it caused for others, which made me angry on their behalf, and sad. But I never thought it affected me. I still don't, really, but I guess it had it's effects or has influenced my perceptions or expectations (in general) in some ways, for sure.

Welcome to you.
 

Agita Kaput

Policy Enforcement
Sponsor
Yes oddly @Agita Kaput I never knew anything about NPD , but some things were textbook (like a compliment including an insult). Strange. But where NPD differs from sociopathy, Idk. I do know it explains some of the issues growing up around it and beyond.

Oddly, I have always noticed the terrible pain it caused for others, which made me angry on their behalf, and sad. But I never thought it affected me. I still don't, really, but I guess it had it's effects or has influenced my perceptions or expectations (in general) in some ways, for sure.

Welcome to you.
Oh! *Everything* you described is textbook... The thought crossed my mind you were reading from it. Umm... it did effect me. It was my "mother." So, for me, it was the water I swam in. Past tense might not be appropriate. After mom, I joined a cult, then the X. This explains the "forgetting." It's really that Ive had moments of clarity. Anyway... best thing I can tell u is you did the textbook antidote. Stay the F away! I can't... kids. Think about THAT hell.

**And The deadly compliment. This is how I put it... after the family Xmass party (they all were narcs) you didnt know you had been sliced up like a salami until you walked out the door and your pieces started to slide off each other.

Thank you kindly for the welcome!

Manners are important in the context of our conversation. Perhaps that's one of the things you picked up about life in general. Silver lining.
 
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Oh yes, it used to take days to recover.

I am sorry you can relate. But maybe think of it this way, so very very very critical that your children have a kind, sane voice and experiences with you to counterbalance. It is a terrible grief to endure. I think it is very damaging to self esteem and the soul, and Idk how it arises but it is a very sad thing.

I always thought it was my fault.
 

Lilac98

MyPTSD Pro
I just told my autism support worker I don't trust her and don't think I ever can again and I don't want her support anymore cause it will only make me feel worse. She's now in another room talking to mum and dad and they're going to be annoyed cause they want the support to continue and don't get why I. Can't just move forward.
 
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