What is the Key to Overcoming Daily Challenges When We Have Secrets?

[Tinyflame]

You are very sweet @tacit . :hug: I relate to your mindset or experiences a lot, it's pretty much me. Along with minimizing, I suppose .

The older I get though the more I realize how what is past, much as I can think I never intentionally think of it (rarely), it can unfortunately influence me even more, if that makes sense? (Such as identifying my feelings and feeling required to make choices, which if I would not view in the same way if I was cognizant I was triggered). But I do think living like that is regrettable (for me).

I can also see the converse of belonging as fostering peace, in the realm of connection, back up, having a purpose. There were times I had it, so I know it has great value. Now, belonging for the sake of it though, I don't think I care so much about. Nor concerning myself as to whether someone knows the real me or not, since I can't really be a different 'me'. I don't think I care- I definitely don't want exposed- what factors contributed to who or how I am. And as you said, supporting can be traumatizing. I guess I just wish it didn't bother me it's misinterpreted, or if I have to worry about my reaction, etc.

I do understand, I think, what you mean by saying it out loud to God, and therefore hearing it and perhaps getting to deeper roots. The thing is though, I've done that for decades, or do, But I don't think peace is achievable through myself, as the sense of unsafety is so great.

But I know even this response is colored by how I feel atm, which could change.

I feel really confused. I don't know what parts I am doing wrong. :confused: :(

Thank you for your kindness. :hug:

 

[tacit]

Thanks @Tinyflame ..you too. ?

What you're saying makes perfect sense. I guess I was more referring to dealing with PTSD (eg. getting the memories processed correctly & learning what I needed to change or how to see things differently in how I look at & interact with the world now, etc.) rather than the trauma itself. But of course the trauma influences us & everything about our PTSD symptoms in the now. I just know that for a long time I tried to get my head around & deal with what I have been through & got nowhere. Wasted decades. The real progress for me started to come, & surprisingly quickly, when I decided to just focus on & deal with what I was doing now & how I was or wasn't going about that.

For clarity, I was referring to a deeper sense of belonging where there is a distinct absence of that feeling of being a round peg in square hole & regardless of whether I am around or involved with other people or not. But I hear what you're saying & agree totally.

My biggest breakthroughs came from the greatest leaps of faith. And in many things & in many ways (the greatest for me at times were just trying see things another way - it's hard being vulnerable). And it is so hard to do when we have no cause to believe that there will even be a solid landing on the other side, let alone a soft one. It's not for the faint of heart, that's for sure (giving up the proverbial security blanket - after all there was a time it saved my life).

Personally I highly doubt you are doing anything wrong at all. In fact, sounds to me that you are doing the work & pretty thoroughly too. Maybe it's just time to cast a wider net? Or just try another approach? Maybe? Or change it up a little & try working on some of the multitude of other areas that also make up you? There definitely came a time when I knew I needed to.

And thanks for the opportunity to elaborate further. ❤?

 

[Mach123]

I know I'm out of control occasionally. It bothers me less. I don't like it. I feel like I can be quiet and hide it better. I remember feeling out of control without saying anything. It's better now I am around people less and I can talk less. I've gotten slowly better in talk therapy by rehashing it over and over. Things come out slowly it's been years. Being better at keeps secrets Meaning, more collected, calmer.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I've been recovering for 7 years now, and I find that I don't have to whip out my toolbox as much, it has become part of who I am. I automatically deep breathe, or ground myself whereas before I would have to think of what I wanted to do first. I am still highly symptomatic sometimes, but I don't always have to work it, it has become habit.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you to everyone.

For clarity, I was referring to a deeper sense of belonging where there is a distinct absence of that feeling of being a round peg in square hole

This kind of made me giggle @tacit , because I think that may be me forever? Yet, I don't really entirely mind. In so far as, well, eccentric or different, it's just me, but I am not bored so easily then, I mean bored by myself. I couldn't do conventional if I tried, really.

(the greatest for me at times were just trying see things another way - it's hard being vulnerable).

Is that part of being vulnerable? :confused: Where do seeing things another way, come from?

). And it is so hard to do when we have no cause to believe that there will even be a solid landing on the other side, let alone a soft one. It's not for the faint of heart, that's for sure (giving up the proverbial security blanket - after all there was a time it saved my life).

Yes you are probably right, and related to the one above, perhaps. :(

Or change it up a little & try working on some of the multitude of other areas that also make up you? There definitely came a time when I knew I needed to.

Yes, hard to hear in a way, but true. Kind of self-reject myself I guess.

Thank you for your help. :hug:

l without saying anything. It's better now I am around people less and I can talk less. I've gotten slowly better in talk therapy by rehashing it over and over. Things come out slowly it's been years. Being better at keeps secrets Meaning.. calmer

I agree @Mach123 . In most areas, me too. Just when it comes to certain ones, or taking my control or ability away, then that's more frightening.

Thanks for saying it takes a long time, that makes me feel better.

@DharmaGirl I'm better at routine stuff/ days, just isolated similar situations or the unexpected, of course. Seems avoidance is my go-to for the uncertain, or risk with consequences of exposure, or heartbreak, or damage, to myself or others.

Thank you all. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe this is wrong, (I have to go back to bed), but maybe it's making something out of nothing to be afraid of, to choose negatively? And where it's impossible, well, wait until there's no alternative if you must.

And decide if it's safe, neutral, or potentially negative, to disclose, if and when necessary.

 

[Mee]

@Ronin you are right, there is a difference between secrets, and privacy and discretion. Much of the power of secrets is shame, fear and feared harm, loss or suffering.

But even what could be seen as quirks don't require full disclosure. Those who do care wouldn't care.

More leverage in using who or what motivates, if possible, too.

I suppose if the rest magically disappeared, it simply wouldn't be the issue it is. But maybe focusing on much else interferes with that. Sort of like accommodating and tuning out chronic pain, and taking measures where possible to decrease it. And when stuff happens, stopping and thinking ok, let me stop.

I think too, reducing stress, in all ways possible. They say stress is necessary for everyone, but I think we have so much internally already we need to look for alternate paths. I think someone said too every possible small step forward shores up for the difficult times.

And @Strangelongtrip you are right, I've never heard of gratitude as having harmful effects. They say it helps forge new neural pathways.

Thank you both.

I want to caveat this ?. I think there is a risk with gratitude if your trauma is a cPTSD or relationship type trauma. Gratitude or ‘toxic positivity’ can be entrapping. I LOVE gratitude but I think it’s vital that I no longer employ it to discount my ‘alarm bells’ or ‘fears’ . If we take the ‘instead of worrying we should be greateful..’ we are turning a blind eye to our intuition or avoiding the thing bothering us. Sometimes that thing Is is being alarmist or ‘first worldy’ but addressing it rather than burying it in our ‘first wold gratitudes’ is also self punitive but with an insidious smiley face.

Be grateful, but also we need to learn to be kind about our worries and answer them.