Justmehere
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My mother. She does not understand normal human behavior.
I don't understand her.
My grandmother, her mother, was raped as a child many times by her father (my grandfather). She testified at my great grandfather's trial, in the 1940's, and my great grandfather went away for the rest of his life. My grandmother was severely anorexic and had many PTSD symptoms the rest of her life. She testified that she kept him from abusing her sister, and she got the worst of it. I have seen the newspaper articles from the trial.
My grandmother married a very abusive alcoholic - my grandfather. He used to beat and rape my mother. My grandmother eventually divorced him when my mother was 12. They often struggled to have enough food to eat after that, but at least he was no longer able to hurt them.
When I was a kid, my grandmother struck me as a cold and strange person. I ever tripped and fell, like little kids do, she would laugh. I don't know why she did that. People outside my family said she was a cold person.
My own mother married a less abusive man, who rescued her from that environment, but who physically abused my brother and I. Mostly me. Even my brother said he was the golden boy who could do no wrong and I was the black sheep who could do nothing right.
My mother never stopped my father. Never. She is still married to him. She says there are problems, but it is better than what she grew up dealing with.
Sometimes my mother could be kind and compassionate. Other times, she was very dissociative and checked out of life - to the point that she would be confused about where she was and what was going on. Other times, she would be strange. I don't know how to make sense of it. I have noticed it a lot more as an adult.
A couple of years ago, I was in ICU after trauma happened. The ICU doctor called my mother, on her home number, because she was still listed as an emergency contact somewhere. They notified her that I was attacked and in ICU. She called my cell phone and left an angry voicemail message that the doctor was out of line "waking your father and I up" by calling at "6am instead of at a more reasonable hour." She is a school teacher. She is up every day at 6am. I was in ICU in critical condition. Her response was to be angry about what time the doctor called, and had no response to anything else.
I later told her I was very hurt that her primary concern was not that her daughter was in ICU, but the hour of the call. She replied, "I don't understand why that would bother you. You are always angry about something."
Then two days later she got a plane ticket and flew out and was this kind and very supportive mother who helped me get through it all.
Then, a few weeks later, more weird stuff happened. She sent a text, out of the blue, telling me I was destroying her marriage. I have no idea how she thinks I am destroying it. My father doesn't speak to me, and I don't care much anymore that he doesn't. I responded back that her marriage is up to her. Three weeks later, she texts saying that she wants to visit and help my recovery from PTSD.
I told her now is not the time.
She then told my brother and I she was going camping with my father. My father is a scoutmaster, so he knows how to handle the wilderness, even if he can't handle his emotions enough to not abuse people. He also knows to notify someone where you are going and when you will return, so that if something goes wrong, people know to look for you. So went camping and didn't return at the day and time they said they would. This is very unusual for them, so after they were gone for 4 days longer than expected, after she had missed work without notice, we contacted search and rescue, the police, etc. She called me, irritated. Told me they were simply out of cell reach and extended their trip. She was irritated we had done anything.
She has no awareness of boundaries. I told her two months ago I would not receive texts or emails. She still texts and emails and then gets furious I don't respond to her texts and emails. (They are now blocked from my phone and email account.) She acts like I never told her.
Then the next time I talk to her, she will remember I told her no texts and emails and she will be kind, and sort of normal.
There are so many things that she does that I can't make sense of anymore. My therapist says I need to cut off all contact with her, and I'm trying to get to the point of doing that. I am finding myself getting so angry at her, that I can't really have any relationship with her anyhow.
I just don't understand how she can be so kind and supportive and then have these other times where she doesn't seem to act normal or even understand normal human behavior.
My therapist thinks that my mother went through so much as a child that she doesn't quite know what normal human behavior is sometimes. Does that even sound right? I will talk to my therapist more about it, we have only begun to deal with it. I am in the process of cutting off almost all (if not all) contact with my mother for the time being - I know that this is what I need to do for me. But I am haunted with how much I don't understand this. I have read through different descriptions of different types of dysfunctional parenting and none of what my mother does seems to make sense. Does is make sense to anyone else?
It's not quite borderline, not quite narcissistic, not quite... I don't know. I'm just so mad at her, and I don't even quite understand why I am so mad. She is kind and horrible, and I have reasons to be mad. But the things that make me the most mad are the things that just make no sense to me.
I don't understand her.
My grandmother, her mother, was raped as a child many times by her father (my grandfather). She testified at my great grandfather's trial, in the 1940's, and my great grandfather went away for the rest of his life. My grandmother was severely anorexic and had many PTSD symptoms the rest of her life. She testified that she kept him from abusing her sister, and she got the worst of it. I have seen the newspaper articles from the trial.
My grandmother married a very abusive alcoholic - my grandfather. He used to beat and rape my mother. My grandmother eventually divorced him when my mother was 12. They often struggled to have enough food to eat after that, but at least he was no longer able to hurt them.
When I was a kid, my grandmother struck me as a cold and strange person. I ever tripped and fell, like little kids do, she would laugh. I don't know why she did that. People outside my family said she was a cold person.
My own mother married a less abusive man, who rescued her from that environment, but who physically abused my brother and I. Mostly me. Even my brother said he was the golden boy who could do no wrong and I was the black sheep who could do nothing right.
My mother never stopped my father. Never. She is still married to him. She says there are problems, but it is better than what she grew up dealing with.
Sometimes my mother could be kind and compassionate. Other times, she was very dissociative and checked out of life - to the point that she would be confused about where she was and what was going on. Other times, she would be strange. I don't know how to make sense of it. I have noticed it a lot more as an adult.
A couple of years ago, I was in ICU after trauma happened. The ICU doctor called my mother, on her home number, because she was still listed as an emergency contact somewhere. They notified her that I was attacked and in ICU. She called my cell phone and left an angry voicemail message that the doctor was out of line "waking your father and I up" by calling at "6am instead of at a more reasonable hour." She is a school teacher. She is up every day at 6am. I was in ICU in critical condition. Her response was to be angry about what time the doctor called, and had no response to anything else.
I later told her I was very hurt that her primary concern was not that her daughter was in ICU, but the hour of the call. She replied, "I don't understand why that would bother you. You are always angry about something."
Then two days later she got a plane ticket and flew out and was this kind and very supportive mother who helped me get through it all.
Then, a few weeks later, more weird stuff happened. She sent a text, out of the blue, telling me I was destroying her marriage. I have no idea how she thinks I am destroying it. My father doesn't speak to me, and I don't care much anymore that he doesn't. I responded back that her marriage is up to her. Three weeks later, she texts saying that she wants to visit and help my recovery from PTSD.
I told her now is not the time.
She then told my brother and I she was going camping with my father. My father is a scoutmaster, so he knows how to handle the wilderness, even if he can't handle his emotions enough to not abuse people. He also knows to notify someone where you are going and when you will return, so that if something goes wrong, people know to look for you. So went camping and didn't return at the day and time they said they would. This is very unusual for them, so after they were gone for 4 days longer than expected, after she had missed work without notice, we contacted search and rescue, the police, etc. She called me, irritated. Told me they were simply out of cell reach and extended their trip. She was irritated we had done anything.
She has no awareness of boundaries. I told her two months ago I would not receive texts or emails. She still texts and emails and then gets furious I don't respond to her texts and emails. (They are now blocked from my phone and email account.) She acts like I never told her.
Then the next time I talk to her, she will remember I told her no texts and emails and she will be kind, and sort of normal.
There are so many things that she does that I can't make sense of anymore. My therapist says I need to cut off all contact with her, and I'm trying to get to the point of doing that. I am finding myself getting so angry at her, that I can't really have any relationship with her anyhow.
I just don't understand how she can be so kind and supportive and then have these other times where she doesn't seem to act normal or even understand normal human behavior.
My therapist thinks that my mother went through so much as a child that she doesn't quite know what normal human behavior is sometimes. Does that even sound right? I will talk to my therapist more about it, we have only begun to deal with it. I am in the process of cutting off almost all (if not all) contact with my mother for the time being - I know that this is what I need to do for me. But I am haunted with how much I don't understand this. I have read through different descriptions of different types of dysfunctional parenting and none of what my mother does seems to make sense. Does is make sense to anyone else?
It's not quite borderline, not quite narcissistic, not quite... I don't know. I'm just so mad at her, and I don't even quite understand why I am so mad. She is kind and horrible, and I have reasons to be mad. But the things that make me the most mad are the things that just make no sense to me.
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