What Is Your Subconscious "goal" For Therapy?

[DogwoodTree]

Okay, so, maybe a difficult-to-impossible question to answer. But thinking about it helps me clarify my purpose for each session.

Like...sometimes I realize that all of my expectations for a particular session are subconsciously geared towards trying to finally convince someone that I'm truly crazy and should be locked up and ignored for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I'm trying to convince my T--and myself--that I'm actually a pretty normal person and have figured out my issues and I'm ready to go about living a relatively normal life.

Sometimes I'm covertly trying to make the case that the world is out to get me, everyone has treated me like crap, and maybe that's actually what I deserve (victim mentality on steroids).

Sometimes I'm trying to appear that I have this deep, almost mystical strength about me and level of insight into the world that, despite my suffering and craziness, makes me a truly unique and valuable member of society.

Basically...the common theme...is that there is no consistency. I don't see clearly enough who I am or where I'm going to know what each session should be about. And then I go in, and they tend to prefer this "client-led" approach to therapy, and I feel even more lost to have my lostness highlighted like that, to where I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time and resources to be in therapy when I don't even know from week-to-week what I'm really supposed to be trying to accomplish. I feel like I'm really missing the point of it all.

 

[sun seeker]

Yes, I've wasted lots of time in a client-led approach with a few past therapists. Have done some of the same things you describe doing, all the while wishing they could see through it. What would happen if you let down your guard and told them what you just told us? It might lead to a more open conversation. Some vulnerability is necessary to get anywhere in therapy. If you have a strong sense that a certain topic won't be safe, that's one thing, but you do need to let the therapist see what the issues are so they can help. Even being open about how hard that is to do might be a big step.

 

[Suzetig]

I hear you, I've been working with a client centred therapist for 2 years now and for much of that time truly struggled with the idea that I would set the agenda. I've lost count of the times I've thought I wasted her time, or that I was all over the place both in a single session and from week to week. My T has commented more than once that she just doesn't know what she's going to get from me - but she makes it clear she likes that about working with me, it's not said in judgement.

I've also had a different times all of the kinds of goals you've mentioned - to convince her I'm disgusting, worthless, making a mountain out of a molehill etc etc... I still get that way sometimes. What I can see, looking back, is that each session has gone some way to creating our relationship, which now feels very secure and trusting but it's taken time .

Try not to worry too much where each session takes you, try looking at the overall direction of travel - it may show you movement you didn't see at the time. It's worth talking to her about your struggle thoug, if she knows how you're feeling she can help you with it.

 

[DogwoodTree]

you do need to let the therapist see what the issues are so they can help. Even being open about how hard that is to do might be a big step.

We've talked about it several times, actually. I've made it clear that I really, truly don't know what needs to be done. On the one hand, I understand their perspective: I've been working at this for over 2 decades...if there was a simple formula to fix this thing, I would've done it already. So the solution is not a simple or obvious one. If I had a student come in struggling with learning a subject, I wouldn't use normal techniques with that student, either. I'd get to know the student and their blocks and try to figure out a unique way to approach this apparently unique problem the student is having in learning the material, by working closely with the student to see what perspectives they can bring to help resolve the issue.

On the other hand...I've been at this for over 2 decades. If I knew what to do, I would've done it already. So obviously, I really don't know what to do!

I think, overall, their approach is sound. It's just incredibly slow and frustrating. I'm deeply involved in researching and learning on my own, and my mind works differently than most people's because of Asperger's. So it makes sense they would take a more client-centered approach. I just wish I didn't feel so lonely and lost in the process. I wish there was something more they could do to help me feel connected to them. And there's just not. They've asked me, and I don't have an answer. I feel like I'm trapped under a collapsed cave, and no one can get to me, no matter how hard they try. They just don't have a solution. Sometimes the loneliness and hopelessness is simply unbearable, but I have no way to really communicate the intensity of those feelings. I don't express emotions much at all, except to shut down if I'm overwhelmed and flooded. I'm trapped inside my own mind.

So...I'm trying to come up with tasks to focus on for each session. I'm building a list of questions I would like to address in therapy...questions I want to discuss before I'll let myself stop therapy. It seems like such a waste of time and money to walk out feeling more alone than when I walked in. But I'm afraid to quit therapy. I'm afraid that would feel even lonelier. At least this way, each week the hope relentlessly builds that maybe this time...maybe this time something will break through my defenses.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Ugh, when I first saw this thread I thought I didn't have any subconscious goals but I realised I actually do.

1) to be believed

2) to be accepted

 

[Friday]

they tend to prefer this "client-led" approach to therapy

Ha. f*ck that. No, for real, the best therapist I ever had wasn't afraid to not only take the reins but knock me on my ass. Our shouting matches could probably be heard on Mars. <chuckling> Yep. That'll break down some walls into pure unvarnished honesty. Okay. There's the truth, & we can work with that. :) :D :banghead: LOL. Love. It.

Technically he wasn't "my" therapist... So conduct rules were out the damn window to begin with. And I only knew him for a few weeks. He was outstanding. I wish I could go to whatever hellhole he's currently working in and be like "Yo. Fix me."

That's probably my subconscious, right there. No one is gonna fix me, and I know it. 82% of all of this nonsense I've figured out on my own, the hard way. But that 18%? OMFG. Such good amazing incrediable people who've helped me in bits and snatches along the way. Strong hands, brave hearts, good f*ckin people.

 

[Chava]

The client-led or process-oriented approach works well for some, not as well for others. It works very well for me. My goals are quite clear and yet, through the process they have changed and become deeper. On some level I knew I had problems with feeling connected within myself, to my body, and also connected to others. I knew part of the weekly challenge was just figuring out how to do the connection with my therapist. She's very good because I've been able to realize and tell her how one struggle has been that either she is unreal or I am...it's hard for me to feel us as simultaneously "real" (though getting better)...and this makes sense to her (and this is also a common pattern as I get close to people, which I flat out avoid). Sometimes I just wonder if the goals are realistic for me or not, but I certainly have fewer meltdowns, so it's helping.

Basically, I'm slowly unwinding and trying to grow beyond really limiting ways of connecting, trying to be more present, and gradually more "whole" within myself (vs derealized, dissociative, or feeling like I exist outside myself or parts of my body are not connected). I think my subconscious goals have lined up with real therapy goals well because I'm finally in the right therapy for me (focus on complex and early trauma).

Basically...the common theme...is that there is no consistency. I don't see clearly enough who I am or where I'm going to know what each session should be about. And then I go in, and they tend to prefer this "client-led" approach to therapy, and I feel even more lost to have my lostness highlighted like that

Have you asked if they could provide more structure? Could you work out some goals together? Even though I feel like my current therapy is a good fit, I have had to ask for clarification or direction sometimes, and when I'm lost my therapist proposes ideas for the session. It's okay to ask for more structure or guidance if you feel like that would help you...and then see if that is met with helpful response.

 

[Ronin]

My goals for therapy are usually quite simple 1) Help me figure out my mess, 2) Don't feed me bullshit (aka victim blaming, gaslighting, inaccurate and inapplicable theories offered as solutions to anything, and the like).

Tends to go with the timing when I look for therapy. Most of the time, even when down personally, I just can't be bothered, I'll figure things with other help. It's when I'm upholding other people I need therapy to work and not be f*cked over by it, and if that happens, I'm really cranky. Back to meeting goals elsewhere, lol. If it's therapeutic, I love it, and don't need to be structured as 'therapy'.

 

[Chava]

p.s. a frontrunner for goals has always been basic regulation (emotional, and autonomic nervous system stuff like managing hyperarousal), but that was never subconscious, just right there. But anyway, it might help to talk to your therapist about what your goals are (for many of us it's skill-related, like the emotional regulation stuff). I'm processing trauma obviously, but it's really tied directly to just managing my day-to-day states.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have been in therapy with all kinds of therapist and I do not find the client led sessions to be helpful to me.

I need structure, help with recognizing cognitive distortions and untangaling the knots within my self. I need help finding what the facts and truth are in my current situations. I am about to start therapy again and i have a plan of action all set up and then I will see where it leads from there. this is my take on it.

 

[watundah]

My T wanted it to be client based but found that with my nonverbal bouts, we wouldn't get anywhere if she didn't ply me with questions. Sometimes I do go in with an agenda and sometimes she provides prompts depending on where we left off. Occasionally she blindsides me and asks me what I want to focus on in a session and I respond unpreparedly, deservedly so since it's not her job to be the only one driving.


Anyway, my key goal is connection, learning to trust. At times it seems impossible but I am seeing tiny glimmers of progress.