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- #25
NewBeginnings
Gold Member
It is so true the past can't be changed and for a really long time I didn't care because I was leaving the past in the past. I promised myself that I would never acknowledge my past or give any energy to it. I decided my past (pre-14) that was full abuse - sexual, physical, emotional would remain in the past and have no impact on me. I never saw any correlation with my late teens and early 20's when I would drink A LOT and then end up in all sorts of places. I used to then be told by men that they knew I enjoyed being raped. I just put myself in dangerous situations and then just let it happen but drinking made it tolerable or Just completely incapacitated. I knew I would never live past 30. Then I got married, had my first child at 28 and just kept going until my husband had a crisis and I couldn't cope . Now it is hard to face my demons - I want to and sometimes I am able to completely leave the past alone but it creeps in and presents
at the worst times. As I talk about things -on one hand it helps and in another way it is so painful and difficult to see. The process seems slow. And now I think I showed my T toomuch and I get scared and feel vulnerable. I see how I want her to be so angry with me that she will want to discontinue our sessions but this isn't how it works - I feel like a rebellious kid who is trying to sabotage this so my T will tell me to go away. ??? Feeling broken in many ways and wanting to truly leave the past well enough alone but it is not working and now I really am whining - sorry.
While this is how I seem to act out - I really want to address my issues so I can be in a place of strength and not operate from fear. With all my questioning, I do go to my therapy sessions every week unless my T is out of town. She always seems available for me. My schedule does adjust weekly so I don't have a Wednesday 9 am appt but the week prior we schedule a time- she sees other people on different weeks and not too many of her clients are weekly from what I can gather- but she can have a short week and I still get an appt. Maybe I am too needy. I am in a better place now in that I used to have a hard time getting through the week but now I am ok with the week but have lots of anxiety around the actual appointments which may be why I was looking for reasons to take a break. I think I see this for what it is and appreciate the outlet to get other perspectives.
