What should i do?

[Born2fightfire]

So I have been "seeing" a beautiful lady for the past 4 months. At first, everything seemed great and that we have very much in common. I am a firefighter and she manages a restaurant. She has a lot on her plate right now, with her young son and a custody battle. I try my best to be supportive and be there for her. The odd part is, despite how she claims to feel about me, she flakes out on plans last minute. It's not even flat out...for example, were suppose to meet up at 9am but she gets called in to work until noon, the she says she has to pick up her son and she'll be free, and another excuse of some sort...next thing you know it's time for bed. On multiple occasions I have literally wasted intire days I requested off waiting on something that never happens. I was just out of state fighting a wildfire and hadn't seen her in a few weeks so I was excited to spend time with her. Well I got back 7 days ago and still haven't spent any time together. I make effort to spemd time with her, but its a one way road. I do my best to send very minimal text (Don't want to be that clingy guy) but any time I bring up any type of personal question she just doesn't reply. I've tried to bring up my ptsd, but she pretty much brushes it off as not her concern or worry. Despite how much she says she cares about me, I feel like I'm getting played. Actions speak louder that words. What do you guys think? Should I save myself and run or give her a chance? (I know this post is cringe worthy, so forgive me hahaha)

 

[EveHarrington]

Honestly, I think you should move on. It’s clear that she’s really not that into you. Don’t make someone a priority when they treat you like an option.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Born2fightfire - I would see if you can make a time with her and sit down and try and establish what is going on. She may be extremely busy right now but that doesn't invalidate your right to know one way or the other what is up. So can you ask her? Tell her you want to have a talk about the relationship and where it is going or if it is going so she doesn't feel ambushed by you and see what she says.

If she is still keen to date you etc., tell her about your concerns. I think being honest is not being clingy. There is a big difference. Don't speculate, guess or try to read her mind by things you think she thinks about you and the relationship.

I would be very cheesed off if I had requested days off and she consistently did a 'no show'.

I would be concerned that she has disregarded your ptsd outright as you have described. Maybe she isn't aware what it is. Have you asked her and had that discussion?

This is a young relationship so it could develop into something fantastic or already be floundering. Ask...it cannot hurt? :)

 

[Gamera3000]

Several years ago I dated a guy who was doing that to me. His usual excuse was working on his Dissertation. I use a capital D there because that was always his first priority. All the time we spent together went perfectly. We agreed about everything and always had pleasant days together. Eventually he told me he didn’t have time for a relationship. It felt like such a waste of time and energy for me. Like you said, played. Confusing as well. Why bother to see someone if you’re not into them?

Try stepping away and see what she does.

 

[Born2fightfire]

Several years ago I dated a guy who was doing that to me. His usual excuse was working on his Dissertation. I use a capital D there because that was always his first priority. All the time we spent together went perfectly. We agreed about everything and always had pleasant days together. Eventually he told me he didn’t have time for a relationship. It felt like such a waste of time and energy for me. Like you said, played. Confusing as well. Why bother to see someone if you’re not into them?

Try stepping away and see what she does.

I took your advice and tried stepping away for the day, all of the sudden she's being much more personable and caring. Maybe she likes the feeling of having to work for my attention?

 

[blackemerald1]

You stepped away for 24 hours and she behaves differently? What would you have done in that 24 hours that you didn't do?

Isn't it more likely that she found some time...finally?

I can see this becoming a bit of a dance but if that's what you like, say nothing and be prepared to keep guessing.

 

[EveHarrington]

I really don’t think it’s a matter of her finally finding the time, LOL.

Her game playing is evident in the fact that she fcks around with you making time for her.

Pay attention to her and she blows you off.

Ignore her and she suddenly has time for you.

Sounds like craziness in the making.

 

[Born2fightfire]

You stepped away for 24 hours and she behaves differently? What would you have done in that 24 hours that you didn't do?

Isn't it more likely that she found some time...finally?

I can see this becoming a bit of a dance but if that's what you like, say nothing and be prepared to keep guessing.

I also talked to her as you mentioned to do, everything she said is what I wanted to hear but her actions hasnt been backing up her words. I do apreciate your advice as well as everyone elses.

I really don’t think it’s a matter of her finally finding the time, LOL.

Her game playing is evident in the fact that she fcks around with you making time for her.

Pay attention to her and she blows you off.

Ignore her and she suddenly has time for you.

Sounds like craziness in the making.

She's 7 years older than me, I figured she'd be over playing games by now but maybe not.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Born2fightfire - sorry if I sounded a bit flippant. I didn't mean to. I truly hope you don't get hurt by this woman.

Some people never get over playing games even if they are older. I guess if she says one thing and does another you need to cool your ardour towards her and look elsewhere?

Personally if this happened to me...I would be ignoring her and moving on. I don't like being messed around as I am sure you don't either (hence your post). But at the same time...I like to speak with people and find out where I stand.

This ghosting behaviour would unsettle me and I think you really don't need it either.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sadly some people never stop playing games, no matter how old they are. Not everyone outgrows this behavior. I was hoping that by this stage of my life that guys would have interest if I stopped running, but they don’t. The more I run, the more they chase. The nanosecond I stop running and try to make something real, they lose interest. It’s sad. It’s the thrill of the kill, the interest is only in the chase and conquest. Blah.

 

[Friday]

Restaurant work is weird.

It’s the fluffiest least important job on the planet IMO, and yet it’s a constant series of fire drills that everyone takes insanely seriously. Day in and day out it’s always hovering on the edge of disaster, with dozens of moving parts, none of which actually work together, and have to be “forced” along every step of the way. I cook when I need the money & the adrenaline... without the serious consequences.

Managers & Chefs? Tend to work about 80 hours a week, at a minimum, the first few decades. Cooks & servers about half that, but they’re usually split shifts. So you’ve got a couple hours off in the middle IF no one has flaked for work, cut their thumb off, or forgotten their prep. So you can count on -at least once a week- working 12-16 hours instead of 8. And then the next day you’re toast, having maybe half a night’s sleep before having to work 12 more hours. Because working split shifts? unless you live around the corner, you’re still gone 12 or more hours a day, so those few hours in the middle get filled fast fast fast, and you have to race around getting things done, and then back at work for round 2. And then there is the high turnover, which means every few months you don’t get any days off for awhile (read up to about 6 weeks, before more people quit in protest if management hasn’t rehired), because 2 or 3 people have quit, and everyone else has to absorb their shifts, or be fired, until new people can be found. Which is easy/hard. If you cook/serve/manage? You can always find work. Because very nearly all restaurants hemorrhage employees.

Like I said, it’s a weird job. Whether you’re talking fast food or Michelin Starred.

If you’re dating someone in the restaurant industry? Insane hours, low pay, high stress, and a LOT of last minute cancellations -or I can’t move, I can just sit here and groan- are the norm.

Add in a kid and a rough divorce? This chick’s life sounds messy.

Some people like messy. And that’s fine. Some people like orderly. Or the independence/honeymoon/rinse-lather-repeat of deployments. Or public lives. Or private lives. Quiet lives. Fast lives. Shrug. Dating is a lot about seeing if you like each other’s lives / work well merging them. No right or wrong. Just personal preference, you know?

 

[Surefoot]

I feel your delima. I have been there! I encourage you to not discount yourself. You don't deserve to be dissed like this. I agree that if you have the opportunity to sit down and have a very frank (gloves off) discussion, then go for it. It sounds to me like your time and interest are not respected by her and that is not a good way to be. You need to respect yourself in the effort and consideration you have shown toward her and know that she is not responding. As much as you might like to pursue a relationship, It sounds like it is a one way street.

Thank you for your service as a fireman!