Relationship What To Do During Emotional Disconnection?

[Maria4v2000]

When your sufferer is going through the phase of needing to be left alone and basically ignores you and keeps to himself and locks himself infront of the TV. What do you do? I am pregnant and have a child, I have to cook for us, do I cook for him too?
Should I cook for him? Offer to feed him or completly leave him alone?

And how do you handle the emotional disconnection?

How do I handle my two year old? How do I explain to a 2 year old to leave daddy alone? She feels unloved also.

 

[sheri G]

I have been in your situation so many times I could not count. My spouse has had PTSD for over a decade untreated until recently. We are currently in this phase as well.

The isolation can be very confusing, if there are occasional moments where the sufferer is loving, or overly loving for a tiny window of time and then reverts back to isolation.

The main thing that has kept me sane ( or mostly sane) through the isolation is not to take it personal. It's not your fault. The sufferer is not doing it to punish you, or ignore you because of anything you have or have not done. The behavior is about them not coping well. Isolation is common.

My spouse is unable to handle crowded shopping trips, so I have stopped getting upset that I must beg for his company, and allowed him to set the pace for what he can/cannot handle. He also can isolate emotionally and physically for periods of a few hours to a few weeks.

In your case, your young child will not understand daddy's roller coaster of emotions. This is where you will have to be stronger at setting boundaries so that the little one isn't taking the isolation personally as well. Daddy needing to disconnect isn't the child's fault.

What I have found works best is if I am consistent with my behavior, regardless of how my spouse is behaving. What I mean is, I always make dinner. My spouse may be having a bad day, or even a bad couple weeks, I will keep things consistent and make dinner for the family. My husband can choose to eat or not, but I always offer. I also do not take personal his choice to eat or not eat, but I used to get very upset.

Maintaining perspective that we are not to blame for the behavior we are experiencing. What I mean is, that the isolation and disconnect is a survival skill for the sufferer, not meant to punish the loved ones.

My spouse has made clear to me that he will isolate as a means to control the rage, because he does not want to risk exploding on me. To him, he is showing love by removing himself from the equation.

Many times, he isolates because he is struggling with recurring memories of the trauma. He has horrible nightmares and the traumatic events consume his thoughts and he can't cope with it, so he withdraws into himself. Never has it been directed at me. As I stated, it is a survival skill for him.

The few times my spouse has opened up about his feelings, he has expressed tremendous guilt over the rage and the pain he is acutely aware it has caused me and our daughter. I spent years taking it all personally.

Maintaining consistency in your behavior will create security for your child during some of the more challenging symptoms of PTSD. When they get older, it will be easier to explain why Daddy needs quiet time.

How you respond is more important than whether he eats or not.

 

[Maria4v2000]

OMgoodness I am so happy someone responded who understands. I did take it personally for years, but since I put myself into therapy I have learned it is not me and to leave him alone. It's still sad, and with having another baby I have the biggest fear of how in he world am I going to do this alone, but I get by day by day. He is physically here, but I feel like a single Mom. I fear I am not strong enough. I don't know how you survived.

Thank you for the advice to keep things consistant. My hubby would probably like that. It's hard right now because I work sporatic hours as a substitute teacher until the baby is born, so consistancy is hard to have. I guess I will just keep offering dinner whenever I can. It's hard not only for the work to make diner, but also because we are suffering financially and they just cut down our food stamps, so I have to be very careful about not wasting food. My husband doesn't seem to understand how careful we have to be about food. He is a very picky eater. I think part of the PTSD is a symptom of a very sensative stomach.

Thanks so much for the response! It helps to hear similar stories.

 

[cory]

Thank you for sharing your story. My wife isolates herself alot and I have recently been working on not taking is personal. It has been a struggle but I try to find things that take my mind off of the lonely feelings. I started working out everyday and that has given me something positive to look forward to everyday. I still feel like I'm doing something wrong when she retreats to the bedroom and doesn't want me around but it has really helped to read about other people who have gone through this. I want to understand the best I can and be there or not be there to help her in her struggle.

The one thing I have found out is that guilt seems to be her biggest trigger so if I show that I'm upset about her needing space it makes the isolation last even longer. I have seen guilt come up in alot of posts it seems like that is one of the biggest relationship triggers. My wife says to me that I don't have a wife and I should just move on. That line comes out all the time if guilt enters the picture. The stories on here are helping me to see that I'm not alone.

 

[eternal_illusion]

I've been working on dealing with the same thing in my girlfriend. The hardest thing for me to deal with is seeing her having a hard time and withdrawing, and knowing that there's absolutely nothing I can do to help her or comfort her or make things better. All I can do is give her the space she needs. The last few weeks have been hard on her, and she's been isolated and withdrawn. Since there's nothing I can do for her, and no intimacy in our relationship, I've been emotionally withdrawing from her. The only thing I can do so that she can have space is to care less about her, and I feel like I'm drifting away.

Things will get better - my girlfriend started therapy recently, and a lot of the stress in her life right now is temporary. I don't want to place additional stress on her by complaining about the distance between us. For now, the only thing I feel like I can do is to let my love for her hibernate, so to speak, and wait for it to flourish when she's ready to be close again.

 

[KatB]

I find myself in the same situation. I have severe depression and C-Ptsd. One of my worst traits is that factor: isolation and emotional numbness. Today i woke up and i just feel totally disconnected from my feelings. I didn't even know what to pray for. All i can tell myself was that God loves me.

I live with a family who themselves don't realize they have ptsd. Its all interconnected. I am the only one who can recognize it and it frustrates me because I know they have a problem and i recognize my own. I have to stop here. Lost my train of thinking... (lost).