What To Do - Ptsd, 49, Male And Expecting???

[JTH]

Hi, not a lot of intel on the interwebs, so I choose to stop lurking and come here.

I am 49, suffering through my annual 'season of hell', which has been particularly challenging this year - insomnia, abundant triggers, intrisive thoughts, etc.

Three weeks ago, my partner and I found out we are expecting (unplanned) a child - my first. I am 1 part excited and 40 parts scared and anxious.

Needless to say, my stress is transferred to my partner. I am concerned how I'll be able to support/ raise the child with this. I am told I have to give the child 20 years. But of what? An old dad who is distant, anxious, depressed, intermittently suicidal? Who may die prematurely? Who may not be able to provide properly? In short a failure of a parent who f@#&s up a child for a new cycle. I do a great job of faking it, but fear that facade will fail when the child comes.

We've spoken about option of abortion. My partner has told me I have to decide what I want. I know that option may mean the end of our relationship. so yeh, no stress in my life.

So, not looking for you to decide for me - but I need insight. Been there? done that? Success rate? Throw me a lifeline.

 

[Joan]

No great insight here...just wanted you to know that you are heard. That is super tough. Lots to think through and lots of conversation to have. Do you have a therapist that you can talk with?

 

[JTH]

No great insight here...just wanted you to know that you are heard. That is super tough. Lots to think t...

Yes, I do. have some meds but no anti-d's. He knows where I am on the ideation scale, have follow-up in a week.
Meantime, decision-time looms.
I keeping hearing from people, including doctors, that I should stop worrying. Like telling a gunshot victim to "stop bleeding."

 

[JTH]

No great insight here...just wanted you to know that you are heard. That is super tough. Lots to think t...

And thanks!

 

[Enaila]

It is hard being a single parent, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. My son's are now adults, but I suffered with fear, anxiety, ideations, depression, and a lot of uncertainties while raising them on my own for past 18 years. Looking out for them gave me a reason to live and brought me love and joy I felt I would never have.

Perhaps the little one who is so unexpected is the gift to help your heart soften and help you care for another the way you wished you had been cared for? The little one may be the way to learn to love yourself some and connect your family?

I worried I would never be enough nor have enough to provide for my two sons. It is scary at times, but so worth it during the times I saw my children smile, giggle, and wonder about the world around them. It took my thoughts off myself and made me realize I was loved and capable of loving.

There is support in the world we live in if only we reach out for help when we need it. I wish you the best.

 

[JTH]

It is hard being a single parent, but I would trade it for the world. My son's are now adults, but I su...

How I was cared for was not an issue. I am talking about messing the kid up and adding to a messed up world. I am weighing more than myself in this decision.

 

[Enaila]

My ptsd is delayed onset ptsd, from childhood, from a father who was abusive and bipolar. I was also abused my husband, who strangely enough, was bipolar and had addictions which took his life. As a person married to a violent abusive man, I was able to protect and care for my children.

I don't know your situation, only you do. Perhaps you have a strong wife and can ask for help parenting if you feel you are having a tough day? There is goodness in this world as well and I know how hard life is, having been there (despair, self hated, anxious, depressed, afraid) and still struggling day to day, ....everyone deserves a chance to live.

I hope I am not coming across too direct. I am trying the best I can to express in words how I feel and it is still difficult for me to understand my feelings as well as express them. My supportive friends and T use direct with me as I still struggle with the emotion/feeling wording.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

I know it's not easy.

I think it would be a good idea to sit down and do a thorough assessment of your current symptom level. What kind of symptoms are you experiencing? Do you need a lot of alone time in order to be a functioning human? Do you have symptoms which could harm a child? Are you ready to make your life 24/7 about the child-----can you do this or do your symptoms run the show?

Being a parent isn't easy-----I know I couldn't do it given how my symptoms cycle and my own personal needs.

I know this may not be what you want to hear but I'm convinced I'm messed up in part from stress in utero. My mother went through a major (MAJOR!) stressor while I was inside her and she knew she might have to abort me. (Yeah, that was hella-hard hearing that!) I think it set me up for a lifetime of stress issues. And given that stress/trauma issues can be inherited in the epi-genome-----I wouldn't want to risk passing this stuff on to my kids.

 

[JTH]

I appreciate your input. Thank you.

 

[JTH]

My ptsd is delayed onset ptsd, from childhood, from a father who was abusive and bipolar. I was also ab...

I do appreciate your input. Thank you.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

For the first 9 years of his life, my kid saved my ass. I was already doing fairly well when 3 forms of birth control were -apparently- not doing fairly well :shifty: Snort. I was a damn good mom. Never wanted to be one, never thought in a millions years I would be even okay-ish, but I wasn't just good. I was damn good. Could have knocked me over with a feather, surprised. The saving my ass, part? He taught me patience, and restraint, and choosing my battles, and nothing but nothing teaches anything so well as having to teach someone else (otherwise known as teach self control to a toddler = learning self control my own self; as just one example amongst thousands). Being the person I wanted raising my child? Changed my life. Shit just got serious. Also seriously fun. :sneaky:

Not all rainbows and unicorns. Not by a long shot. Nothing I've ever done in my life has been harder, or more painful. Or more worth it.

All that changed when I got divorced when he was 9, 5 years ago. I would barely class myself as a mom anymore, period. Much less a good one. I used to be a good mom. I haven't been one for a very long time, now. My deepest regret -and that's not a short list- is failing him. But I've never regretted him. Not once.

So I would say you've got some real fears there. Personally, I LIKE fear. Fear is a warning. It lets me plan. The shit I was afraid of with my son? I planned for. And did well with. It was the thing I never expected, that bit me. I never expected to go symptomatic, again. I didn't know PTSD was lifelong. I thought I was over it except for my annual bad season & the occasional funk / panic attack / etc. And none of those were problems, because I planned for them. Just some lingering after effects from some lost years / hard years. No worries.

If I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now, would I still have him? Yes. Absolutely. In a heartbeat.

Do I think that's the right answer for everyone? Nope. I don't think there is a right answer.

 

[JTH]

Welcome to the forums :)

For the first 9 years of his life, my kid saved my ass. I was already doing f...

I appreciate the brutal honesty. As I said, my age is also a factor working against me. Some things I could manage; some things I can't.
Thanks for the reply.