What To Do When Have Lost All Hope Working Towards A Better Life?

[Jadie Rose]

Thank you, thank you, TY!!!! I will write more tomorrow, and respond to each of you...just in a sh**ty mood and have been for a little while now. Just riding the wave and reading posts here (when even online lately). You are all so wonderful to share as much as you have and I just need that right now, support (from people who KNOW what it's like). Flashbacks and nightmares and intrusive thoughts have been taking up way too much of my time and it makes all worse and just so angry at everything lately. I know it's passed in the past and will just ride this wave for now. Yes, on lotsa meds and have talked and emailed P & T about this all...just angry having flashbacks and nightmares and so many panic attacks lately about ALL my Dr's under my one large insurance carrier. Been seeing dozens of MDs and Therapists past few yrs and felt like the walking dead because none of them heard nor validated any of what I was sharing re: nightmares and fb's and intrusive thoughts, etc. etc...I'm SO ANGRY I even had to re experience like I have past few years and felt buried alive, like in a coffin that is dug deep into the ground and buried under dirt and no one can hear your cries for help and you just have to deal with it somehow..except I was walking around for almost three years now. Sorry to keep repeating this story, for any that have read my trauma diary or any other posts where I mention any of this...it's just that dozens of MDs (multiple surgeons, pain management, PCP, Neurologist, many other MDs seen in ER and for other issues, 2 Psychiatrists and about a dozen therapists) didn't even try and help me in all that time and I'm sooo pissed I have to still go through so much fear and nightmares and lack of real sleep (yes, on meds to even help that, but doesn't work for more than 3-4 hours per night, wake up screaming or crying or in panic) and the fb's and panic attacks are SO consuming STILL...I'm just so tired going through all this AGAIN for new trauma team (Trauma P and 2 trauma T's) and just so scared...it's really so very exhausting after no one listening for few years and now having to explain again how traumatized I was AGAIN because of what I just went through. I can't get past this anger of having these awful scary all consuming fb's/panic attacks and nightmares every night again...it's just so hard.

BTW, guess I'm writing way more than I expected to tonight...was gonna send tiny response saying be back tomorrow and now look LOL!

Thx for listening and all your support through this very awful time I'm having seeing any positive in any of these experiences. The gang rape is what I needed help with, and losing SO MANY loving people in my life over decade plus, and now have this whole new level of pain and agony with trauma just experienced past three years with my very large insurance carriers lack of multiple Dr's help and this anger of just going through it all again. I mean, are SO MANY Dr's that stupid they could not see all I was re experiencing after so many emails (just reread them all and might be some of why I just have no hope left in this world, sadly) explaining the months of agony and pain and NM's/FB's/etc. in lots of detail I was going through??!! I just do not get it and have to wait another week and half until see my primary trauma P to discuss emails I just forwarded him and all detail I'm recognizing now (included it all in email and we'll talk next week). I just cannot shake this anger, after trying SO DAMN HARD to do everything the right way, being open and honest with so many (all documented in the hundreds of emails I sent past three yrs to Dr's) and was trying to deal with the original issue I had been horrified by - gang rape and my bl**d everywhere and being injured internally. But no...none of them cared and now I have to deal with so much more shit on top of what was surfacing yrs ago that I got zero help for. WTF, why would anyone try for yrs like I did when Dr's are so f'n stupid and just mean to ruin an already very traumatized person, all over again??

Arrrrggghh...Some way and some how I've got to work through this anger and these horrific multiple traumas and still explain it all, while still re experiencing (cause I'm afraid of my entire network of Dr's and T's now in my large insurance carrier). Just have no clue anymore how to get there and why it's even worth the work anymore. It's so sad when you work so hard at being successful at work for so long (so you feel good and like conquered all), train for half marathon, work with personal life coach for few years and weekly, do CBT for many years to work thru all your family issues, Do very intense yoga for couple years (ashtanga/vinyasa yoga) and do private weekly spiritual lessons and go on retreats and meditate and breathe all the time on top of being one of the most positive, hard working and determined people to get through all by being strong and invincible and fearless...and once gang rape trauma surfaces your many MDs and T's traumatized you.

So sorry for long explanation!! Guess just gotta keep getting it all typed out until I can process all of this anger and now hopelessness because the many people who are supposed to be there to help, in medical field, just hurt me so badly and wondering now what is the f'n point anymore?!

 

[Jadie Rose]

Sooo....after all just typed above (again, sorry so long!!), I will be back tomorrow to individually respond to each of you!!! Gosh, this is going to be a tough one to get through, and I just count my blessings this site exists because I honestly don't know what I'd do without all of your support!!! Thank you!!!! TTYT:)

 

[AslinSparx]

Sense of Foreshortened Future ... Is actually a symptom of PTSD. So prevalent that it was listed out individually in the DSMIV, although it's simply included as part of a block of symptoms in the DSM5.

Wow, I never actually knew this was a symptom of my PTSD. I absolutely experience this on a regular basis, and it fluctuates. Some weeks are good, others not so good and I catastrophize and believe to my core that there is no future for me, no real achievements to aspire to. I even become terrified thinking about old age and how difficult it might be for me- I don't know if i'll have a home/shelter/family/friends. I can only imagine myself alone and a bleak future.

Will definitely be researching more about this symptom. Thanks @Friday !

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes it's been a long time since I can remember moments of feeling seeing a point or being able to envision a future, let alone a positive one or one to look forward to (& that ability is for a moment, then incapable).

I once asked someone in my 20's to describe wheere they saw me in the future- they thought that was so funny- everyone else saw themselves in some way (albeit it might have turned out for them very different than they planned- life interfering-, or not brought them what they hoped or expected, or new challenges, if they did end up doing or achieving or attaining what they expected, who knows, plenty express that in their demeanour.)

:hug: 's to you. Hang in there @Jadie Rose .

 

[trying to heal]

I only recently heard about the foreshortened future as a symptom of PTSD as I too can't see past the end of the year at the moment and even that seems rather dark and "missing" is the best way I can describe it. I think it helps a little to know it is a real thing and not just my brain being broken. Hope you got a good rest and are feeling better soon.

 

[littlestar]

Thanks for this thread!

 

[littlestar]

I have been having this same problem, not seeing a future, and i think just aknowledging it helps. That maybe we can move on from this place. So how do you do that when things seem a bit black and white and a bit dark. Do you just show up anyways, do the things you think you can do and hope for the best outcome possible. What happens if you lose your sense of self, can you regain that back? How do you do this when you like a ship with no rudder.

 

[mrsmegan]

I totally hear you. 100%. I feel that way most of the time, that I can't be okay. I am forever damaged and we all just need to get over it, cause I have come to terms with that reality. I don't have a "me" before trauma. This is just how I exist.

I will say, that over the last (almost) 2 years of working with T, that I have started to see some hope - it comes in glimmers or moments - but it is there. And maybe there is another side of this....a me that can exist without being constantly controlled by trauma.

 

[Jadie Rose]

Oh Jadie Rose, I am so very sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I have been there too, many...

Hi AslinSparx, I keep re reading all of what you wrote above to help remind myself to just feel it all and you are absolutely right! - dogs are the best!!!! :) Forget humans LOL.

Your words are spot on. Being upbeat and happy ALL the time is fake and if I need a few weeks to be pissed off then, dog garnnit, I'm going to be pushed off and not judge it. Obviously something is going on and needs to be addressed with my P & T to help me through it all.

I did very intense Ashtanga yoga and private spiritual lessons, focusing on breathing and mind/body mindlefuness meditations all the time. It helped for quite a number of years, and I had a teacher who studied directly under Phatabi Joyce (creator), but after years passed I just don't find it all that useful for me any longer (I know, I'm on the other side of what everyone else says). It was an escape for me, of sorts, doing what everyone else thought was right and really going to that positive place...but now I just want to be angry and mad as hell. Hopefully that will change in some weeks ahead!

Thank you, like fly, for your words. I will keep re reading them in hopes something kicks in soon!

 

[IamFree]

I am glad I found this post been having strong suicidal ideation this evening worse in a long time..been going through a lot of change which is hard enough moved myself out of a negative situation but the future just looks so uncertain. I feel trapped alone and scared with so few safe choices. I use every bit of energy I have to cope I see stuff in my dreams every night and then go out in to the world trying to put on a brave face..and people just want you to be be what it wants you to be there seems so little effort to understand...some silly person in work today says to me ohhh your so tired all the time go and do some running ...its a good job I am in the category of person who is only a danger to myself or I would have smacked her.

 

[VICTORIA WILLIS]

Does anyone ever feel like "what is the point anymore?" Feel like I have tried EVERYTHING for decade...

Know that it will change.
Waiting for your hearing is a big deal and perhaps you're pulling in to your safe zone. Not going out where you may experience insecurity.
I think you'll feel a whole lot better after the hearing and your disability comes through.
Afterwards you'll feel better about picking up a book, going for walks, getting into your hobbies.
Best to you.
Be REAL nice to yourself while you go through this, you WILL get through it!!

 

[Norrin]

Jadie Rose, I don't want to oblige you to respond to this (as you said you wanted to respond to everyone) but I felt the need to give you my immediate reaction even just reading the title on the thread (let alone the gratitude I see in your further posts): the way you worded the initial sentiment, I think, reflected that you do want to "do something" and that to my mind necessitates hope ! However hidden it may be, and for however long it's been that way, the fact is you are wondering "what do I do with myself?" as in, you want to do "something", just what though?

It is probably small consolation but I hope the consolation that is there, you feel fully. But hope can work its magic no matter how seemingly "gone" it might be. My attitude is, if I lose it for even an extremely long period (as I have over the past while now... have been in a tailspin of depression feeling the same way as you by my read).... and it comes screamin back like a long lost loved one you'd already written off.... I welcome it regardless of the bitterness I might feel ("why did you go? What is this game? I need you for a life worth living, aren't you a part of me, my hope??). I don't know the reasons and struggle to even fathom a "good" reason for something as crucial as hope to make like a bad friend and go in and out of touch at crucial junctions.... I don't know why we're like this, and why reality is structured in some very seemingly unnatural and abusive way. I wish I did and I would do a lot to figure it out I just don't know where to start.

But assuming I might not ever figure that out, I might have to just look for the embers or dim light that will always be there so long as you have breath. If that's the only true knowledge I find myself having in dark times, and this is a lot of hot air b/c I know how much easier it is to say this than do it (and I don't do it even 1/10th as often as I feel a need to for even the most basically "good" life).... but if that's the cavern I am to spend my lifespan in, I will stoke whatever spark I am fortunate enough to still find. I can simultaneously lament, rightly, the lack of what I need, but while doing that it's not a contradiction to keep my spark alive (to be more specific: my sense that it's important to experience comfort; love; security; something to learn or make no matter how innocuous, which you're doing here in a forum community as we speak; the idea that the next minute can and probably will be better than the last, even if just by .01%... then again, and again, and....etc).

I lost my dog this time of year some years ago in a way that I feel extreme guilt over and say this from that place.... if it's just "you and your dog" then it's not wrong (it's completely right) if you want to just funnel every ounce of your heart into your best friend and call it a day every day. If I could have my friend/brother/son back in that way, I'd never ask Source for another thing. I guess I'm saying... in some mysterious way, we can make a veritable heaven out of astonishingly singular things, and that thing IS "enough" to keep the emotional vacuum we live in at bay.

Didn't mean to write so much. I hope this message finds you infinitely well! And that any and all secret hope hiding around you reveals itself as such as soon as possible.