What To Do When Our Child Is The Trigger, And Me Too.

[Girl3]

I'm sorry - I almost cannot bear to read your post. I want to say that children are resilient because they can't escape so they adapt as best they can. It is abuse. It will hurt her. She is too young to understand "daddy is sick" has nothing to do with her. What she is learning right now is that she somehow sets off her father. In her brain, it is her fault - even if she can't express that.

My mother was sick,sick,sick. I was resilient as hell. I managed somehow to survive her insanity but not without an incredible loss to myself. My dad would sometimes intervene, and he would try to make it OK by telling me my mother was ill. I wound up with DID myself - that is why I am Girl3. On the one hand I got a scholarship to an Ivy league school and went on to become a doctor. On the other hand I have two other people inside - one is a little child and the other is a crazy rebellious teenager. What I needed when I was little was for my mom not to be able to attack me, destroy me because even on the days or hours whe was being nice, I lived in dread fear that at any minute it could change.

Your husband needs immediate help and you both need to recognize when he is changing and he needs to leave your daughter's presence until he is back under control - either through medication and therapy or just physically going to live someplace until he normalizes.

Reading your post has me shaking in fear - please help your daughter. She may need some therapy too.
I pray you find help quickly.

 

[Eleanor]

Sorry, can't figure out how to do the "quote" thing.

We have a list of providers to call in the area and are "working the network" for the right one for my husband. We should have a couple of people to talk to by tomorrow - and are blessed with great insurance so no worries there.

@ Ayesha - Thank you in advance for your reply - and thank you right now for your thoughtfulness. Did you mean goinonhope? Or am I missing a message?

@ Bear - Thank you, that seems the right place, I've posted a question. Also, your experience will inform how I proceed. I can be a kind of pushy person, so I'll try not to be my usual "bull in a china shop" and tread a bit lightly on the talking with the therapist issue. On the upside, when he is not "in it" we have a super relationship, honest, trusting, respectful, cooperative. He is a generous and deeply compassionate person and a very good communicator. We are great partners, which I suppose is one of the things that makes this whole deal so surprising and painful for me (not to mention him.)

@ Girl3 - I am so sorry for all you suffered, and your mother (and family...) too. Words cannot suffice. I might not have gotten her into her own therapy before your post. Now I will for sure. Like... Monday.

Because I don't want you to be so frightened for her: To be clear, when I say "resilient" I am meaning it in a Peter Levine way where one "clears" the trauma ASAP after it happens. I have done my own serious coaching/therapy for regular old life baggage before and "maintenance" (for lack of a better term) for... six or seven years now. So I don't mean to imply that she is not hurt by this, of course she is, AND she has my somewhat knowledgeable, albeit unprofessional, support in working through her own responses. I am also an experienced horse & dog trainer/rescuer so - while the skills are not exactly the same - they overlap significantly. Stress and trauma do not go overlooked in my house. Even my own, though that has gotten somewhat short shrift lately. I would also stress that this is a very recent development in my husband - within the last year or so - and that episodes were very infrequent at first. Now that he is fully aware of the thing (it has taken four or five bad episodes to get up to speed) we can talk about how to keep him away from our daughter when he is not himself.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

yes, I meant goingonhope. oops. :)

 

[Girl3]

Thank you for understanding and for your foresight for your daughter. I hope for you all that therapy goes well and that things can be managed.

 

[Eleanor]

Just a quick update - I have appointments for daughter and me this week. Husband has a nasty flu and stayed at the other house for the weekend. I got a couple of referrals for him - so hopefully he'll call today as he is home sick. If not I'll call for him tomorrow and line stuff up. He and I talked some this weekend on the phone - and he is totally on board to try to stay away when he is "in it" - it is tough for him to notice when he is getting caught up, as he says "it seems so real!" We will try to be very careful... Thanks all for being here. It makes a world of difference.

 

[Zipperhead]

Eleanor, I'm late in on this one, but here goes. Children can be triggers. And so can you. Why wait till he's out of his present slump to get help? I think seeing him at his worst might help the therapist understand. My son goes to a group designed to help children with a parent with PTSD. I can't say I've noticed allot of improvement, but there are programs out there designed to help.

You are right to say his history does not show a tendancy to violence. It might be a touchy subject here, but just because I'm having a rough time doesn't mean I'm going to be physically abusive. But I do need to get my anger under control. I truely understand what you mean by it's the way he says things. When triggered I get blunt. I say it as I see it. Personnal feelings aside, I deal strictly in my own reality. It is hurtful, I know it is. But I'm getting help, so should he. Words are almost as bad as physical abuse.

As far as you getting in between, he needs to understand that you see when he gets triggered. And when he is, you have to get the message to him. We don't go into a trance. We understand english. So ask to talk to him for a minute, give him the out he needs to get away from the situation. It would probably be best for all.

 

[Girl3]

Eleanor I am so glad you have such volition and resources. Bless you in your journey.

 

[Eleanor]

Thank you Zip, (hope you don't mind the contraction :-)), for the understanding/affirmation and the encouragement. He is himself at the moment. I will talk to him about what might be a good way to get him to disengage from Lexi at the time. I am sure I am a trigger at times. Specifically when I am mad (or even annoyed) at him for something he did, particularly if he feels the slightest bit guilty about it anyway. Defensiveness tips him right over the edge. Interesting... Anyway, given that we are human beings I inevitably get mad at him sometimes and since he was abused he reads micro-expressions automatically - so there is no faking it. If I don't look at him and go away that seems to minimize things (so, doing straight up animal avoidance stuff.) At the store the other day (when the trigger was not me) I did manage to think of something else he needed to be doing someplace else and we avoided an episode. (I almost triggered him back in afterward because of the physical/emotional toll it took on me to stay present at the store, but now I know and am now more prepared.) I am getting better at noticing the start - he is still in the dark, and although he trusts me totally when not in an episode, he doesn't trust me at all when he is in it. Huh. Maybe that's it. I'll suggest that if he doesn't trust me - that's a clue that he's in. He needs something rationally/objectively anomolous to help him get out. It's worth a shot.

The therapist we are seeing tomorrow for my daughter specializes in kids who have been traumatized or whose parents have been. So hopefully we'll catch whatever early for her...

Best wishes for your healing, and healing for your family.

 

[Girl3]

Just a thought - when we dissociate, we don't always catch on to clues. Not sure where he is with things - but I have photos of myself in clothes and places I don't recognize - I've had people tell me stories of things I don't recall in any way. When we dissociate, we are not always aware it is happening.

 

[Eleanor]

He doesn't dissociate to that degree - his memory right after is pretty good - and then... fades. We talked about this yesterday, and he thought the not trusting me wouldn't work - its not a contradiction at the moment. BUT he thought it might work to ask him what she did that made him so mad? If there is nothing factual to hang it on, our theory goes, then that gets his rational mind working and boots him out of the emotional maelstrom. This may be peculiar to him - or not. It's worked once - although it takes a while to get the adrenaline out of his system and "come down." Worth doing the experiment tho.

Given the difficulty of finding a PE trained therapist around here, we've given more thought to his treatment. After further discussion we have decided to try to get him into an inpatient or intensive away program for the first two weeks of PE - since he is going to have to "be" five years old again for a bit - he needs to not have to got to work, be responsible for chores, tend to Lexi etc. while he does. Wish us luck finding a spot PDQ!

 

[Trina]

Hi Eleanor, I'm new here and just reading through some introductions after writing my own. You've gotten some terrific feedback and advice here. I'm so glad that you're taking action to deal with the situation, for all of your sakes. I do especially feel for your daughter, because my mother was severely mentally ill and untreated, and I didn't get the protection I needed (though my father tried his best), which is ultimately why I'm here now. Fortunately, you've caught this situation pretty early, and are dealing with it. That may make all the difference in the world for her life.

When we think of violence, we tend to think of physical violence, but emotional violence is also very real, and can do a great deal of damage. (Of course, perhaps I'll read some more posts here and discover that I'm just not yet 'slinging the lingo' right lol)

I do wish you luck in finding a place where your husband can go quickly, and be in safety while he begins his recovery, and also in the treatment for your daughter and, not least, you.

You might want to consider targeted therapy for yourself, if you haven't already, in dealing with this, with someone who specializes in the field. If I understand correctly, that's part of what you're doing with your daughter, but I just wanted to mention it. Many therapists, however good they are at treating 'standard' issues, don't have the training and knowledge to help people deal with a family member with PTSD, and the abuse that's so often part of the picture. .

 

[Girl3]

I think the in-patient treatment for intensive work initially is brilliant. Good luck with everything and hope all goes well.