What To Never Say To A Ptsd Sufferer

[want2cope]

"You need to get a hobby."
"Stop dwelling on the past."
"I think you need therapy."
"Thats in the past, just move in."
"I know its hard for you."
"Suck it up."
"Everybody has bad things happen to them."
"I think you are over reacting."
"You need to stop trying to control everything."
"Just stop crying."
"Everyone goes a little crazy some times."
"You need to be in a mental institution."
"Your crazy."
"If you don't watch your figure, no man will."
"If you were not wearing that, he wouldn't have raped you."
"Why didn't you just leave instead of staying the night."
"You deserve to be raped because you were drinking."
"Any kind of mother wouldn't allow a man to beat her kid."
"If you would just do what I tell you to do it wouldn't be this way."
"Life is to short to be sad all the time."

 

[Garblefraz]

"everybody has bad things happen to them"

This, or any permutations of the sort like "happens to everyone" etc are good examples for me, not so much because of how bad they are (clearly there are more aggressive examples mentioned above) but simply due to how often I hear them. Sometimes the people who say it mean well and are just trying to say "you're not alone", but it still seems dismissive.

 

[Hashi]

"This world is an illusion."

I've been told what happened to me was just an illusion (because everything is).

I don't think it's helpful to take a deep and complex philosophical/spiritual system of thought, which incidentally includes great compassion for human suffering, and quote a bit of it like a fortune cookie.

 

[Hashi]

"everybody has bad things happen to them"

Yes, but everyone doesn't have THIS happen to them.

 

[Red Feather]

I don't think it's helpful to take a deep and complex philosophical/spiritual system of thought, which incidentally includes great compassion for human suffering, and quote a bit of it like a fortune cookie.

YES EXACTLY, I mean I can understand the philosphical and spiritual component totally. I can differenciate it. But it really did not help me. Especially when I was in the hospital and having really strong derealizations and depersonalizations. And since my mother has a tendency to shout her wisdoms, it was more her guilt trip that she wants to reduce by her "teachings." I mean I have to start accepting the body I am in and can't be doing that if I keep on thinking it is not real...

 

[Philippa]

"You need to let this baggage from the past go."

I always find it such an ignorant, insensitive thing to say. How arrogant to assume you know what a person has gone through and that they as individuals 'should' be over it when you think they should.

My father said this to me the other day...after a year of no contact, as a way of trying to get me to want to see him again! How stupid can a person be? There's no way I want to spend a single second in his presence now. He hasn't changed a bit.

 

[Bubba]

There is good strength and then there is bad strength. I learned that if I was ever to survive I needed to only count on myself and my own strength. It was always vacillating between good and bad strength and that confused me whenever I heard their words: You SORRY child!" NOTHING made sense to me because whatever I did it was never recognized as good strength. I would tell the truth, only to get slammed for it, making me not care if I told the truth or not. They desensitized my conscience in such a way that damaged my character, leaving me to live one lie after another because it did not pay to tell the truth.

I hear ya! Full force! I came to the point early on in childhood and that extended into the rest of my life - where I just hold it in. There's no point in saying what I truly feel - because it's always bad or wrong or hurtful to someone else. I've tried sugar coating things, and that doesn't work either. So I just keep my mouth shut. If I do say something I am REALLY careful in how I say it. So when there's a disagreement - instictive reaction is to shut down and not say anything - why? Becauase they don't hear it - they take it the wrong way - or they tell me I am wrong. So why bother?

 

[Ice_Fire]

I hear ya! Full force!

Me too!

 

[TeddySue]

Because they don't hear it - they take it the wrong way - or they tell me I am wrong. So why bother?

I went through a long period of time telling people what they wanted to hear; being a different person with each individual person I was around; constantly changing. I've stopped that now, and am dealing with the sometimes trigger that causes an immediate melt-down and word vomiting. At least now, I am able to get my point across. After telling almost everyone in my life that this is something that happens and I don't have a forewarning, I am treated much better. Treated like a human being who struggles with PTSD.

 

[Dethuan]

Wish I could do that.

 

[TeddySue]

Wish I could do that.

In fact, I sent emails to people who are directly in my life; the same wording so there would be no confusion.

I stated how I felt about how I perceive their treatment of me. It might not have worked to do this face-to-face because there would probably have been another melt-down.

I wanted the least confrontational attempt to let it be known that I was not happy with them and why. I stuck to the truth as I see it, and told them I needed help.

At least now, everyone directly involved in my life has the information on WHAT is WRONG with TeddySue; an important first step.

 

[Innordinate]

Heh

"Reason needed before editing post" and then 'poofing' the edit.