What To Never Say To A Ptsd Sufferer

[Abstract]

Do you know what occurred to me reading on here? I don't think people understand how damaging and defeating self judgement, hatred and shame are for most of us. And anything that is invalidating fuels these enormously.

I think those of us who have been exposed to long term invalidation and emotion, verbal or other abuse that made us wrong for everything or shamed us repeatedly are very vulnerable to these things. People without may find it helpful to be challenged or pushed as they do not have that deep default of self self hatred and shame and so are able to use challenges like those to get moving and get better. So maybe it is not evil in itself but just lacking in understanding of the complexities of attempting to try to do things whilst escaping paralysing shame. And when it is those that have been the ones to originally wound us emotionally in this way then the tiniest thing can feel like a death blow.

 

[Sailorgal]

My stupid EX Pilates instructor over two or three sessions made the below comments. I stopped going.

Nighthawlk, I first off want to ask if he knew your situation? I'm not defending him but it's typical fitness mumbo jumbo. It's a learned/trained behavior. Tell people to think positive (whatever that really means in the world of science), then voila! Yeah, I can think positive all I want but it won't get me a job and pay my bills! There is having a positive attitude but merely think positive? Positive doesn't mean denial and I HATE when people think my rational and logical thinking is negative. I guess Hurricane Sandy was caused by NEGATIVE thinking, right? Ugh....

I'm not condoning his behavior - just stating that unfortunately that's how it is.

The "there are people worse off" is the DUMBEST statement ever. What if I was the WORST ever? What the heck do you say? I think I mentioned this on another post, but for every person that states this, I use this against them and remind them, "Remember when you said this? So why are you worried about it since there are people worse off than you? You're worrying over NOTHING." That shuts them up quick! :)

 

[Nighthawk]

I first off want to ask if he knew your situation?

Yes she approached me prior to my surgery asking me if I would allow her to move me. I was in very bad shape still am. She does not know about my PTSD.

 

[Abstract]

Tell people to think positive ..., then voila! Yeah, I can think positive all I want but it won't get me a job and pay my bills!

Hi Sailorgal, I do suspect it is total misunderstanding of what helps a lot of us (other times I think it is intentional). People without that dreadful struggle of internalised shame and self judgment probably benefit from being pushed and "challenged" a lot. For a lot of us it can be a little catastrophic if done in certain ways or ill timed and is then very unhelpful. If it is done we normally need a lot reassurance and reminders not to judge ourselves and also pointing out what we have done already. Or a past long term relationship with the person saying it that makes it a given.

So for me it isn't about paying the bills or it not solving anything and is rather that it sets me back and is very unhelpful. I become more paralysed and end up doing less despite myself.

A lot of these things are probably well meant but people have no understanding of how unhelpful they are. And I suspect there are those with PTSD who don't see it either. Because of their personality or/and trauma history they find these things helpful so possibly think everyone would. They would probably see not saying them as enabling even. I suspect that even happens with therapists sometimes. Just my take on it.

 

[Sailorgal]

Awww Nighhawlk, I hope next time you can speak up for yourself and avoid unnecessary hurts. I know you don't want attention, but it never hurts to let the instructor know that you need to take things easy. No details required. Heck, make something up. Not everyone is going to think before they speak or think about who they might be dealing with.

 

[Sailorgal]

So for me it isn't about paying the bills or it not solving anything and is rather that it sets me back and is very unhelpful. I become more paralysed and end up doing less despite myself.

A lot of these things are probably well meant but people have no understanding of how unhelpful they are.

Hey Abstract,

I agree that it's not beneficial for those with PTSD because it will be condemning rather than helping more often than not. My example was directed towards the reasoning of people who think that saying "think positive" guarantees results.

Sadly, it's a cliche everybody uses like a magic potion. People say it because they don't know what else to say and think they are doing good. People even say it condescendingly as well to say in a polite way,"You're doing this to yourself." Seen it happen one too many times. :meh:

 

[Abstract]

People say it because they don't know what else to say and think they are doing good. People even say it condescendingly as well

Totally agree (((Sailorgal))). :rolleyes:

 

[discarded]

I understand what you are going through.
I can help you if you would just let me.
Just talk to me, tell me what is going through your mind.
It is time you got some help.
I can come with you if it helps.
I deserve better than the way you treat me.
Why won't you let me help you?
I love you more than you will ever know.

 

[Lucycat]

Today I had said to me 'I bet you wish you could turn the clock back 3 years' ( to when I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD)

er no thank you!

That would not wipe out all the trauma. Just puts me back to starting therapy all over again. Takes away 3 years of healing and moving forward. Boy, I do not want to go through all that again.:eek:

 

[Britt.f7]

I hate when people say any of the above things to me about my PTSD(which very few know of but I don't imagine their comments would be any different), my depression, or my weight gain. I did throw my weight gain in there because people do make comments about "how did I let myself get this way" despite knowing my health issues and being unable to be active. Listen people if I was able to exercise and get out and about, I wouldn't have gotten "this way" and I would, more then likely, not be on disability! Arrgh, for all the supposedly well meaning comments! :mad::banghead:

t is not an "accident" when someone shoots you for not giving them what they want.

How can someone think this is an "accident"? Boggles the mind. My husband was held up by gun point in an alley while he was fixing our car. He heard, often after this, thank God you weren't shot. I'm sure my husband was thinking the same, but I can't say that made it any easier for him to return to the alley or to have anyone approach him after that! Maybe these people were well meaning, but definitely oblivious to the truth of things.

 

[Hashi]

Things could be a lot worse.

People say this????

If someone said that to me I think things could get a lot worse for them, very quickly.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Yeah, the people that caused a lot of the harm said it... Just a form of trying to cover up their dirty ways.