What To Never Say To A Ptsd Sufferer

[goingonhope]

I too have heard some crap in my day.

Like I really disliked hearing:

• Oh' you're so smart. You've got so much potential! Why don't you use it towards something good?

• You've got the whole world ahead of you. Many people would jump up and down just to have the good fortune you've had.

............Like ya', What planet are you from? ...You think so? What about this and about that? Are you really talking about reality, or what? Again, what planet are you from?

• How can you let this happen to yourself? You're young, beautiful, have a nice figure. I'd give anything just to have an ass like yours. I mean really, what a shame.

.....this has just about made me feel sick writing this, but it's been said and not something you tell a PTSD sufferer, while entirely disregarding certain trauma realities and mental health concerns.

 

[JCBW]

Probably the least helpful thing I've heard from people trying to be supportive is, "I know just how you feel." Highly unlikely. Even if they were someone from my unit who went through the same horrible shit in theater that I went through, their feelings are their own, and mine are mine. I think people say that to try to be comforting or to try to make me feel not so alone. But it makes me feel angry that someone would somehow think they know what I'm feeling.

From unsupportive people, I was told by more than one person that I don't have PTSD, that I was just trying to get out of another deployment, or that I'm just some p**sy who can't handle a little stress. It still makes it furious when I remember that. But also confirms that I made the right decision to get out.

 

[becvan]

Well I got some new ones tonight.

I should just smoke more pot.

I should start my own business.

I should just not worry about it.

I should just relax.

:wall: Yeah, I'll get right on that! If it was so simple, I would have done it long ago! GRRRRRR

bec

 

[nonabug5]

How about "You're okay now, just don't think about it...." Yea', right I see that happening.

 

[Seychelle]

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

This one usually makes me want to scream. a) because there were a number of times when I was little when I thought I was going to be killed and b) it hasn't made me stronger - it feels like it shattered my mind and I have to fight so hard to get even a fraction of the resilience that people without PTSD have.

I hate this one. It's so dismissive and clueless.

 

[Moonshadow]

You nailed that one, Seychelle.

My therapist used to tell me, "You're such a strong woman."
Why, because I'm alive? Because I have to use every ounce of my strength and courage, just to get up in the morning? I don't feel strong. I feel very weak, scarred and scared. How is that strong?

Another one that gets me is, "You have a lot of wisdom in your eyes." That's not wisdom, that's the constant anguish I live with, every single frakkin' day of my life.

Oh, and "You are an ancient soul." What the Fck is that?

 

[sweetface]

My personal favorite is "Just let it go." As if I were holding onto it on purpose... because, really, I don't have anything better to do than try to keep the nightmares and black thoughts and images out of my mind. And how, EXACTLY, am I supposed to let go of something I never wanted? I'm not holding onto it- it's stuck to me. red

OMG...how many times have the men I dated said that after THEY retriggered me!!! It's true, I don't hold on consciously, it holds me.

How about this one: "You need to take responsibility for your reactions!"
Well, OK, I'll go live as a hermit now and forget about love.

OR

"Stop being a victim!" When they hurt you on purpose.

 

[FightingLily]

I've heard the "ancient soul" one too. Must be because I've become a master of analyzing situations and predicting possible outcomes....
The "strong" comment gets to me too, but I never let them know. I'd rather I seem strong,despite it being a lie, than to be seen as a weak target.

 

[sweetface]

The silence is what hurts me. The expression that zeros in and you know they are trying to keep from saying out loud:
"Are you serious?"
"What is wrong with you!?"
"What are you talking about?"
"You really are insane!"
"This is a joke, right?"
"OMG There are aliens among us."
"You really are twisted!"
"You can't be serious!"
"What did you just say?"

They can't hide what they are thinking. They don't know how painful that expression is and how all too common it is.

It hurts.

Oh, I know. I know this silence and they usually are silent after THEY re-traumatized you.

 

[Zzoe]

Get over it

I'm having a hard time making people close to me understand what PTSD means.. At first, they get really worried and everything, but after a while you hear comments like "Get over it, if you know what the problem is, fight it!
Yeah, so what the f**k have I been trying to do theese past months after my diagnosis, holding on stronger?? It seems nobody understand that the nightmares and heavy thoughts aren't selfinflickted, thad if I could choose, I'd be over it long time ago. Never, ever say anything like :
* I have had a rough time too, but it will pass..
* So what, it happened a long time ago
* You should get help, I really don't can't (want) to understand this
* Its all in your head (I KNOW, moron..)
* You are a weak, selfpitying person

Keep these comments to yourself, UNLESS you have PTSD and can tell me what the hell you did to "get over it"

 

[Moonshadow]

I've heard the "ancient soul" one too. Must be because I've become a master of analyzing situations and predicting possible outcomes....
The "strong" comment gets to me too, but I never let them know. I'd rather I seem strong,despite it being a lie, than to be seen as a weak target.

You have a good point, regarding the "ancient soul" one.

On the issue of strength, I like to appear strong, too. It beats cowering in the corner.

I also believe many people think I'm a little crazy. I let them think that. I see it as a good thing, if people are a little afraid of me. They're more likely to give me my space.

 

[Auburngirl]

I also get the old soul, and I don't quite want to complain about this, but from the small handfull who know, I get frequent comments about how amazing I am to be dealing with this and doing the things that I do. On the one hand it's really intended as a sincere compliment. On the other, I feel weird about it. I didn't ask to be 'strong and amazing' and dealing with things versus not dealing with things isn't in my mind much of a choice. I want to live my life.

The most frustrating for me are: but you SEEM fine (this is not a compliment it makes me feel ridiculous and like I'm making things up, when I'm really sick I hide, you won't see me)
And, Just don't think about it - as others have said, do you REALLY think I sit around deliberately rehashing old trauma?