What was the absolute "low point" of your life and how did you get out of it (if you don't mind talking about it) ?

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @mszl that means a lot. You take care too!

 

[leafytrees]

Welcome to the forum. I've got a nice coincidence for you. Literally yesterday I had a chat with my mother about her elderly friend who is receiving art therapy in a group of people who are terminally ill (the friend has an advanced form of cancer). I was thinking what a nice idea it was, and an image came into my mind of what I would spontaneously draw:

Leafy trees. And I thought that if the therapist asked why, I would tell them that they make me happy.

Thank you! Oh what a lovely coincidence, that made me smile. I entirely relate. I always struggle to think of online usernames but looked around me for the one constant, grounding presence in my living space that brings joy and there they were, the beautiful trees.

 

[Applecore]

So, I'm currently going through what is undeniably the absolute "low point" of my life's trajectory so far.

I guess I'm lucky, that although life has been shitty and rough in some ways previously, I never hit rock bottom before. I guess I should be grateful that I staved it off until my late 40s, where I'm actually "competent" enough to deal with it (sort of) and that it didn't happen to me in my 20s when I was way, way lost in PTSD symptoms and didn't have a clue as to how to deal with it. And I should be grateful that late 40s is still "young enough" to (in theory) have the energy to pull myself out of this hole.

I've been watching some TED talks about mid-life crises and some people say it's a good thing to go through a major life crisis in middle age... That it's kind of a growth thing, like being a mess as a teenager is a growth thing.

So yeah, that's the stuff to theoretically feel grateful for...

In practise, I'm hating it with a passion... I'm miserable, suicidal ideation is my constant companion, everything's a painful mess, I don't know which fire to put out first, I'm numb from how awful it all is, I no longer feel like myself, I feel like I've lost so much of what was integrally important to me, that it's almost not worth the fight to try to salvage the few things that remain. I've ended nearly all of my friendships because I don't feel like I have anything worth offering in terms of friendship. I'm just existing and doing so miserably and I can't compute that anyone who's sane and not co-dependent woud want any part of this mess. Everything feels bleak and hopeless to me. Even if I could get back all of the outward things I've lost, I feel like the inner sense of loss runs so deep that nothing will ever fill that sense of emptiness again.

I could go on... I won't, because it's just more miserableness.

My point is, who's been at this juncture - the worst of the worst - rock bottom - in their past - and has recovered from it?

I need some inspiration

I realise these stories exist (out there, somewhere)... I guess they're not really things you talk to people about much... "What's the absolute worst time in your life?" doesn't come up much in polite conversation/ small-talk.

I know I've heard stories from people who've overcome addiction that have that theme of hitting rock bottom before you finally decide to make the changes you should've made earlier, but not until you were at rock bottom did it force you to do what was right for you.

I've also been watching a documentary series about people who've overcome incredible odds - surviving awful car accidents and learning to walk again or learning to live life fully in a wheelchair, young people with awful cancer diagnoses, people who have overcome all sorts of traum and who tell their stories.

If anyone replies to this - when you were at your absolute worst - did you have hope? Did you think you'd make it? What gave you courage? Was it the desperation? Was the sense of nothing-left-to-lose life changing? Did going through such a massive crisis make you a better person? What helpful life lessons did it teach you?

Thank you, in case anyone replies. I realise it's not easy talking about your worst time in life.

Hi there, I just read this again. Do you feel that lowest point has passed? I must say your posts are so eloquent, well-thought out and wise that I have a feeling that you have an admirable resilience inside.

 

[Abstract]

Like others there have been a few rock bottom points of different flavours. One was particularly almost a certain situation.

I definitely didn’t have hope. I think I was saved by poor self esteem. Haha. Initially. Trying to protect others from the consequence of me ending it. My sister was traumatised by her boyfriend completing suicide and trying to resuscitate him. As a result, I had a strong push to avoid.

Saying your old ways of coping failing has a potential plus in it resonates with me and is now what I think happened for me. Better if it happened in a different way, of course. But. I had everything boxed up and therapy didn’t work. I didnt even realise I was a bit dissociative. It all exploded. I felt inhuman. Like a creature.

And the thing that helped at that point was just taking a step. Not thinking it would go anywhere. But taking a step. And then taking a step. Lots of missteps too, of course.

But at some point there was a glimmer enough of agency to give a glimmer enough of self esteem. Which helped have a bit more agency. And connection here helped. It was uncomfortable and painful but ultimately helped me start to stabilise myself.

The I am making up stuff really was one of the most self destructive things. I had an internal war going on. You see it on here a lot.

Once my nose was enough out of the hole I analysed what was stopping me getting help or getting better and slowly targeted each thing.

Now I have skills to deal with things. I have basics in place to manage the essentials. That has made an enormous difference. I recently had a new trauma and I have coped with it so much better than in the past. Not fun, of course. But different. I am now more grounded in myself. The mast of the ship is in place. It may be rusty cracked and hanging at 45 degrees but it's there. I imagine people who have trauma after having a good childhood may have some sense of that. Some sense of being a person at some point before trying to deal with the crap they are wading through.

The other very simple thing that helped is to try to keep my environment away from pathological people. A bit obvious you would think. ;) I micro double checked each decision etc and had a red flags check list.

That was waffly. But I can tell there is already a glimmer of agency for you there. For me I just started trying to add other tiny bits of agency to the pile. In retrospect, it drew me along.

 

[Abstract]

And I am so very very sorry to hear you are at rock bottom. May it be a catalyst to push you towards a new level of enlightenment and something more positive.

 

[Ecdysis]

Hi there, I just read this again. Do you feel that lowest point has passed? I must say your posts are so eloquent, well-thought out and wise that I have a feeling that you have an admirable resilience inside.

Hi... umm... I wouldn't say passed, really. I think I'm still in this phase. I hope I've passed the worst of it tho, at least that's what it feels like. Don't think I would've gotten through it without Ketamine treatment tho. I feel like I'm in a 30 meter deep hole and having to fill that hole one shovel at a time, to get out of it. Slow progress. Hope that in a year from now, I can look back on all this, to some degree.

 

[Applecore]

Hi... umm... I wouldn't say passed, really. I think I'm still in this phase. I hope I've passed the worst of it tho, at least that's what it feels like. Don't think I would've gotten through it without Ketamine treatment tho. I feel like I'm in a 30 meter deep hole and having to fill that hole one shovel at a time, to get out of it. Slow progress. Hope that in a year from now, I can look back on all this, to some degree.

Got it. What practical techniques are you employing to help you through it?

Forgive me if you've already said, but do you read much, or listen to audiobooks about personal psychology and growth? Once again I'll recommend:

Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow​

Amazon.com

By Elizabeth Lesser. It's all about this subject you raise. The tone at times can be a little too "woo woo" (something I'm cautious of from life experience). But I find her to be a delightful friend and am listening again for the third time now.

Other excellent audiobooks that helped on my journey have been The Examined Life by Stephen Grosz and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

And two great talks about medication:

Hari: This could be why you're depressed or anxious

Yapko:

 

[abovedown]

Good question. I'm a survivor and I am doing well today. I don't think I can name one low point, I have had so many after so much tragedy of different kinds repeatedly showing up in one place, for about the first two thirds of my life (am 48 today). The answer about getting out of the low point is start small. Shower every day, eat healthily, quit social media, get outside and enjoy nature, reduce booze, increase exercise, reduce contact with people who make you sad (including friends and family) and seek new social connections that don't, take control of your financial independence.

And do something nice each day (read a book, call a friendnetc) to get a bit mental space from the trauma

 

[Applecore]

And do something nice each day (read a book, call a friendnetc) to get a bit mental space from the trauma

Yes!

Add: gratitude.

Anecdote. One day I was having a fit of invasive thoughts like quit-cut flashbacks of all the bad things that had happened. Instead of running to the wine shop to ease the pain, I ran to the Post-It notepad. Wrote something I was grateful for on each sticky in quick succession, and stuck them all over my kitchen cabinet like it was a melodramatic movie. A kind of fit of gratitude to bombard the fit of post-traumatic rumination. Worked a treat though, and it continued to work as I left them there for weeks. Can highly recommend.

 

[Applecore]

I definitely didn’t have hope. I think I was saved by poor self esteem. Haha. Initially. Trying to protect others from the consequence of me ending it. My sister was traumatised by her boyfriend completing suicide and trying to resuscitate him. As a result, I had a strong push to avoid.

Same here. Two suicides in my close family which in my opinion caused the premature death of a third family member due to the stress. I could never do that to my mother, knowing that my suicide would be like killing her. So suicide became a go-to fantasy, never to be carried out. It was a kind of 'voodoo' to transcend painful reality. With time I realised that ideation was a coping method in times of despair, and that if times of despair are identified by being like other times, then in fact letting it pass like bad weather provided hope.

Now I have skills to deal with things. I have basics in place to manage the essentials. That has made an enormous difference. I recently had a new trauma and I have coped with it so much better than in the past. Not fun, of course. But different. I am now more grounded in myself.

Could you give us a checklist of these basics? It might be fun to compare...

The other very simple thing that helped is to try to keep my environment away from pathological people. A bit obvious you would think. ;) I micro double checked each decision etc and had a red flags check list.

The common advice to keep away from people who seem to cause us trouble is a very interesting topic for me. I took the advice around 18 years ago about an extended family member but it had costs. The problem is, when we go no contact with pathological people they pursue us through others.

The others often have good intentions as brokers and try to make "peace", no matter if you ask them not to. I recently learned these are called "flying monkeys" in the jargon. And so I chose to cut these people off too. Consequently I effectively eliminated most of my family from my life, including some otherwise loving and supportive people, all because of that one pathological person.

It could even be seen as part of that person's abuse, that they knew I was cutting off each person they went to at my costs, so they kept doing it. They were starving me of support because they knew I would be harmed by my own survival tactics the more they mingled with people around me. This in turn left me feeling the pain of self-imposed isolation and as if I had self-harmed.

On the other hand, I was so traumatised at the time that simple, radical solutions were highly appealing. In hindsight I wonder if some intelligent communication skills could have been an alternative to cutting off those otherwise pleasant go-betweens from my life. I actually haven't come to a conclusion about that.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I think I am currently climbing out right now. Whenever I go through one of those major life events that causes severe emotional pain I think of Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey. Every major upheaval has resulted in an improved quality of life, I see things differently, life is different in a positive way that is not foreseeable prior to the event. For me it happens every time. Thus I know this in real time as I fall into the abyss.

So the hole I am climbing out of right now is the result of my wife of almost 28 years telling me we had to live apart for a while and maybe permanently. 2 weeks prior to this I had been diagnosed with PTSD and I really had not thought about it much. I have been doing lots of reading about PTSD and emotional dysregulation I didn’t know what dysregulation was before but I have been in that state for over two months now. I have visited such levels of despair that I never imagined existed.

This is what I am doing which seems right for me but might not be safe for everyone’s safety. I engaged in rigorous self examination and discovered I have been a total A-hole to everyone I love. I have been wrong about almost everything. I sought out a PhD psychologist and she is helping deal with the underlying trauma. Also a psychiatrist for medication to modulate my emotions. Then I became very honest and vulnerable, I opened up about my inner shame, insecurities, etc to all family members. I have asked about my failings to all seeking failings I didn’t have a clue about. I figured that I can’t fix things I don’t know about. Everyday I learn more.

Everyone has responded well. I have added some separate therapy with a specialist on treating the manifestations of PTSD in a short period while the actual therapy for the causation will be done over time separately. This practitioner was recommended by my neurologist.

The results to date is that basketball sized ball of emotions in my chest has reduced in size to the size of a softball. My relationships with my kids has never been better. My wife has come around a bit, we had a date tonight and we are starting marriage counceling.

I am more humble and I am learning how to really listen. I am beginning to believe that this painful journey might be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

[Applecore]

I think I am currently climbing out right now. Whenever I go through one of those major life events that causes severe emotional pain I think of Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey. Every major upheaval has resulted in an improved quality of life, I see things differently, life is different in a positive way that is not foreseeable prior to the event. For me it happens every time. Thus I know this in real time as I fall into the abyss.

So the hole I am climbing out of right now is the result of my wife of almost 28 years telling me we had to live apart for a while and maybe permanently. 2 weeks prior to this I had been diagnosed with PTSD and I really had not thought about it much. I have been doing lots of reading about PTSD and emotional dysregulation I didn’t know what dysregulation was before but I have been in that state for over two months now. I have visited such levels of despair that I never imagined existed.

This is what I am doing which seems right for me but might not be safe for everyone’s safety. I engaged in rigorous self examination and discovered I have been a total A-hole to everyone I love. I have been wrong about almost everything. I sought out a PhD psychologist and she is helping deal with the underlying trauma. Also a psychiatrist for medication to modulate my emotions. Then I became very honest and vulnerable, I opened up about my inner shame, insecurities, etc to all family members. I have asked about my failings to all seeking failings I didn’t have a clue about. I figured that I can’t fix things I don’t know about. Everyday I learn more.

Everyone has responded well. I have added some separate therapy with a specialist on treating the manifestations of PTSD in a short period while the actual therapy for the causation will be done over time separately. This practitioner was recommended by my neurologist.

The results to date is that basketball sized ball of emotions in my chest has reduced in size to the size of a softball. My relationships with my kids has never been better. My wife has come around a bit, we had a date tonight and we are starting marriage counceling.

I am more humble and I am learning how to really listen. I am beginning to believe that this painful journey might be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

This is as good as it gets. You have done all the right things. You are a hero.