Relationship What We Choose Not To See

[Nicolette]

Based on things I have read over my time here on the forum, generally speaking, there are patterns which emerge.

The one that concerns me for women (no offence to the males) is that some lose sight of reality and become engulfed in a world of PTSD and all its horrible symptoms.

There have been women who have written about isolation, being treated badly, living like they are walking on eggshells who, slowly, over time lose who they are and become this person who 'reacts' to deemed PTSD symptoms versus living their life.

By no means am I taking away anything from a Sufferer as I have a good perspective of both sides of the coin. What a Sufferer with uncontrolled PTSD endures would bring the strongest of people to their knees. But this is not about the Sufferer...this is about the Carer (specifically women).

What I have seen is that some Carers here are actually in abusive relationships or in ones they would normally deem as having deal breakers within them but due to the label of PTSD they go past making allowances for the illness and start making excuses. Justifying things to themselves and others which they would normally not accept.

Here are a few fundamental points about relationships which I can think of and am sure others will add to:

• It is easier for a Sufferer to deal with a stranger than someone who they have a relationship with. Therefore if isolating, but having sexual desires, it is not uncommon for someone with uncontrolled PTSD (male) to go elsewhere for sex. Men generally don't have the emotion connection with sex as females do so to them sometimes they are simply "blowing off steam" while to someone they are involved with it can only be deemed as cheating. I am not saying it is wrong or right.....just how it is.
• You control what you accept including how you are treated. Only you can set the boundary and if it is not respected and you let it go (thinking they have PTSD) then you are only shooting yourself in the foot. Granted you sometimes have to pick your times and "pointing out what was not acceptable" may sometimes have to occur after the fact when things have cooled down but they should never be let slide. You have a responsibility to you too.
• It is pointless to sit there psycho analyzing behaviors and asking yourself "why did he do that when he said he loves me" as a Sufferer generally doesn't know so how do you expect to get the answers?! Will getting an answer as to why they treated you badly change anything? Well, it shouldn't as there is no excuse for that including PTSD. You know they have a serious illness which causes them to isolate, shut down, suffer stress, anxiety, depression and so forth. I think the big picture is the answer and if they have uncontrolled PTSD and can't manage their own behavior something has to change and that doesn't involve a Carer turning into a 'reactionary person' who walks on egg shells all day long.

I may add more later but I put this point forward......If you were to look at your relationship as an outsiders, and took PTSD out of the equation, what would you be telling yourself? How much of PTSD symptoms is an excuse for things you would normally not accept? :think:

 

[horizons]

Nicolette, thank you so much for this post.

As usual, your directness has an impact beyond any words of sympathy. I think what you are doing here is not only giving us frank advice, you are also "being cruel to be kind" which is ironically EXACTLY the same thing we ought to be doing with our partners in order to have a healthy relationship. Boundaries in any relationship are necessary for the relationship to continue (as a healthy, balanced one). Just because someone has PTSD doesn't mean they can't respect their partner and doesn't mean they have the right to abuse them.

As hard as it is for me to admit this, I chose not to see MY role in his behaviours in recent times. I became an ENABLER. It's taken me many months to come to this realization, and I'm disappointed in myself for not acknowledging it earlier. Ironically I've been in a denial process with that myself.

Day three of making the decision to set an ultimatum - and live with it if he doesn't accept it - I am on a roller coaster of emotions. Between tears of helplessness and confusion and anger, I'm doing a lot of "navel gazing" and if nothing else, this time will serve me well to get to know myself again.

Certainly it has taught me never ever to compromise my self esteem or my safety in the name of "love".

Interesting that we as carers spend all our time nurturing, researching, understanding, making allowances, compromising, accepting, forgiving when the sufferer has a hard time. Do any of us receive that back when we are going through a tough time from someone with PTSD ? Nicolette does, and her approach inspires me. Anthony and Nicolette deal with PTSD as a team. With respect and collaboration. And look at the amazing creation they have here in the form of this forum BECAUSE of their commitment to their relationship and to each other - awesome!

That is what I want. The funny thing is, that this partner is the first one ever I have succumbed to in terms of walking on eggshells, accepting disrespect, focusing on his problems more than he does, at the ready to rescue him from any pain or hurt, eager to prove to him that someone CAN love him unconditionally. (he has a lot of abandonment issues)
I have a background in psychology, strong self esteem and a large social circle. What on earth caused me to become someone who accepted disrespect and lack of commitment, never mind aggression? How did I get to this point in my life?

As hard as what it is to write this - I have to admit I played a part in it. Yep, you read that right. It takes two to tango. The point is that I ACCEPTED his behaviour. I CHOSE to accept it in order to prove to him that someone CAN love him 'unconditionally'. The trouble is, I lost clarity with the word "unconditional". No matter what. I forgot that unconditional does NOT include being hurt, especially repeatedly.

In my eagerness to see him happy, I forgot about myself. I forgot about boundaries. And of course we both became used to patterns of behaviour where he would rage, I would succumb and forgive, and nothing would be resolved. I did this at the time because he was going through emotional hell with adult adoptee issues from his biological parents. They really did treat him with contempt, which of course brought out childhood stuff. On top of the continuing traumas of his work. I felt so sorry for him and wanted him to FEEL LOVED.

But here is the bottom line I ENABLED his behaviours. Too much loving , not enough self protection. The other aspect of being like this, is that life suddenly focuses on the other person all the time. That made me OVER focus on what he was doing. Guess what that does to a PTSD sufferer? Suffocates him.

Contrary to what I thought I was doing (nurturing, loving, understanding etc) I was actually taking on HIS responsibilities. Whilst I will never regret my intense study of PTSD, wasn't it really up to HIM to research HIS issues? Maybe with a little help from me, but not with me being the ONLY one doing the research!

Okay, I'm crying now. ....bit of something I've recognised in myself that I don't like...

I do NOT blame myself for his lack of responsibility in dealing with his PTSD, he has loads of options and support available to him but he refuses to use them.

But I do acknowledge that NOT setting boundaries sooner has made matters worse for myself. I think it's a damn shame that the psychologist we went to see TOGETHER refused to see us as a couple - it would have clarified symptoms of PTSD for me a whole lot earlier - knowledge would have helped. But I doubt that his psychologist knows much about PTSD or there would have been improvement as opposed to a downhill slide over the last 10 months.

I guess to some extent I still sit here in hope that he will miss me enough to seek the appropriate help and come back. Come back with a new attitude which includes teamwork, respect and commitment. I will NOT wait for 4 months as Cin has so very patiently done. Life's too short and I deserve a partner who cares enough about me to respect me. In the 'waiting' time I am working on getting ME back.

A 'me' who does NOT need to 'rescue' him. He is an adult. PTSD or not, childhood issues or not, he has very clear choices. I guess at the end of the day, if he chooses to continue life with uncontrolled PTSD, then I consciously choose to remain away from him, and move forward to a life with someone who is committed to a fulfilling relationship.

I love him. More than I have ever loved any man. We are (were?) best friends. Have (had?) so much in common.

For me to pull through this, no matter what the end result of this journey, I have to re-learn to love myself more, or what use will I be to him or anyone else?

End of navel gazing session for today...off to be a bit creative !!

 

[Fantabulous]

I'm torn.

Nicolette is right. So, everyone reading this, listen to what she says. It doesn't mean you have to drop everything this second though. We all have to decide for ourselves where and when to draw our boundaries, but we need to be aware of what Nicolette is saying. Eventually each one of us will get "sick and tired of being sick and tired" and will make changes...but we have to be ready to walk away without going back. I divorced 2 years ago (my ex didn't have PTSD, but he had definite family issues that reflected in his choices) and I remember that it took me a solid year from the time that I realized there was no future to the time that we split for good. I had to take that year to mentally and emotionally (and logistically, because I was looking for another job in another state) prepare myself for the end of something I thought would never end. I know myself well enough to know that I couldn't have done it until I was ready, and while that last year was hard on me I can also see why I needed it.

However, I feel like a hypocrite saying that because in my current situation with a PTSD sufferer, I'm not ready to walk away. My sufferer hasn't shown me anger or aggression or abuse, and we aren't in a full blown relationship at this time. He's told me that he wants one but he has to get his head on straight first. So I hear from him occasionally, and I look forward to those times. But right now things are on his time line, not mine. There are times where I reach out to contact him and he doesn't respond, and I don't know why. Maybe he's busy working, maybe he's ignoring me. We live several hours apart, so it's not like I can drop by his house to visit...it takes planning if we're going to see each other. I guess you could say that I'm "waiting" to see if he figures it all out. It doesn't mean that I'm turning down dates with other men...I definitely wouldn't do that (but I'm not being asked out either so I'm not able to test that theory!).

Please don't see me as a hypocrite on this. I'm torn. What Nicolette is saying should be remembered and taken into consideration for everyone's situation. She puts it out there without sugarcoating it, and I think people need that from time to time. I do believe that each one of us, deep down, will know when we're ready to make a decision. You will know when you are ready, so trust that message from deep in your gut. Take into consideration what Nicolette said above, find a quiet place to let it sink in, and see what answers you get.

(I hope I don't sound stupid posting this...I'm overthinking everything today. It's going to be one of those days, and what Nicolette posted apparently make me think. And upon previewing this post, I realized that this month is the 2 year anniversary of when ex and I decided to end things, and also the 2 year anniversary of when my PTSD sufferer contacted me out of the blue and we reconnected. Looks like I've got some emotions bubbling up I wasn't aware of. Sorry about that.)

 

[amethist]

Thank you Nicolette for starting this thread.

I must admit there where times in the past when have possibly done some things mentioned above. Especially when my husband was drinking 24/7, meaning I bought the drink for him, so I was technically enabling him to drink, but and this is the big but, I had been told not to stop him drinking at that time without medical help. I.E Detox as an in patient, because it was too dangerous by then to stop him drinking without the medical support.

After he completed this, then the PTSD kicked in. This was when in time and I understood more about what was going on I fought back.

Knowing my husband as I did I reacted to one of his vicious tongue outburst. I just sat there, opposite him in our kitchen, listening to him rant and rave at me calling me all sorts of names, blaming me for a lot of what was happening to him. Cursing my family, the lot, this went on for ages, with not a flicker from me. I just let him get it out of his system, he never moved from his chair while all this was going on.

When he had finished and blown himself out. He looked at me and just said "What, what did I say", the look on my face was enough to let him know he had said something he should not have. He could not remember a word of it, just that he had been yelling and cursing at me.

I very quietly and calmly, looked him straight in the eye's and told him "You ever shout and yell or speak to me like that again, I will put you on your arse".

He never has, and I have never told him what he said either.

If any of this had carried on, and he had not started being a better person, even with the PTSD diagnosis, we would not be together today. I would have kicked him out long ago, one marriage with a womaniser is enough, so another being treated badly for what ever reason is defiantly out of the question. I would not let him keep coming back either, if he kept leaving. Did that in my first marriage, there I learnt my lesson and divorced him, still love there at the time, but I did not like him.

So the question I am asking now is, would you treat a partner with disrespect, if not why take it.

I will carry on supporting my husband, as long as he puts the work in and treats me as he knows he should and does.

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

I must say I am surprised and proud to read the reactions to my thread. Proud that some of you have learned and others are in the process of and willing to see things as they are and take responsibility for what they can. That is really good work.

I am pretty much on the same page with Amethist - there is no point attacking or fighting back when a Sufferer is having a fit/turn but calmly and directly letting them know after the event that what happened will not be tolerated was one of the best things I worked out too. In the heat of a situation where I have been attacked I have calmly said "I don't like who you are being right now" or "you are being mean" and walked out of the room....the reason for this is I have suffered a lot of abuse through my life and I can't handle being yelled out and could not just sit there and take it like Amethist. I guess that brings to light another pertinent point - we can all achieve positive outcomes while doing what is best for us - which may not always be the same. As long as it works who cares how you got there as long as it is in a healthy manner.

I will carry on supporting my husband, as long as he puts the work in and treats me as he knows he should and does.

Ditto from me!

 

[Fantabulous]

I think I'm ready now.

A couple of days after I posted in this thread, an overwhelming sense of letting go came over me. I just knew that I was done. It's hard to explain but I guess it finally sunk in that this is not my battle. I can't do anything to change D's actions towards me...it's all up to him. The anxiety is gone now. There's a big sense of peace there instead.

I'm sad about this because I really don't want to lose him from my life. The amazing thing is that the sadness isn't overwhelming, and I don't feel worthless and rejected. I'm amazed by that frankly.

He still hasn't contacted me so I have no idea if things will change if he does contact me again. We'll leave that for later. I'll write more in my diary this weekend...right now I'm posting from my iPod so typing is a chore. Forgive me for any typos.

I have to admit this is an odd feeling but I'm thankful for it.

 

[Nicolette]

I know it must be sad Fantabulous but well done for having the courage to see the situation as it currently stands. Wishing you lots of love and support from family and friends.

 

[amethist]

Stay strong Fantabulous. One day you may look back on this in a different light.

Take care, remember we are here if you need to scream out the sadness or share your own future joy's and achievements.

:Hug_emoticon: :Hug_emoticon:

Amethist

 

[Fantabulous]

Well, a couple of days after I "let go", he texted me. I don't feel quite as "sucked in" as I usually do, and the anxiety isn't really there so that's good. But it's brought me back to the confusion of not knowing what he's really wanting from me. I know what I want from him, but I don't know if he's willing to work to meet my needs. I can't control that though, and so I need to stay in this place of surrender.

I posted in my carer diary about this, so feel free to go over there (it's titled "A Complex Connection") to read more.

 

[Sandi79]

This was very helpful. I'm in that quiet place trying to figure out if I keep fighting for him or I start fighting for myself.

 

[Nicolette]

@Sandi79, think back to being on a plane - you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help anyone else! ;)

 

[R.Quartz]

The one that concerns me for women (no offence to the males) is that some lose sight of reality and become engulfed in a world of PTSD and all its horrible symptoms.

Just a note, I can identify with a lot of these struggles despite being a male supporter with a female sufferer.

I may add more later but I put this point forward......If you were to look at your relationship as an outsiders, and took PTSD out of the equation, what would you be telling yourself? How much of PTSD symptoms is an excuse for things you would normally not accept? :think:

- Alcohol as a form of self-medication
- Being generally unreliable schedulewise