What Were You Like Before Ptsd?

[Taven Carlsen]

Straight-A student, nice young man. Working hard to get out of poortown. "One of those promising children." Blah blah blah.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Jen- This thread is enough to make anyone cry. :(

HOwever, we can work to get some of those things back, too!

It's a good thread because it can help us to focus on who we want to be again.

I remember when I first got PTSD I was telling a T that it was like my hard drive was totally erased. I had to relearn things like what colours I like, what music, politics, everything. I would look at my body and it was like it was someone else's.

Then I realized, "Wow! I have to RECREATE A SELF!" It was terrible realization and not for the faint of heart.

So I tried. I have not done a great job because my old real self wants to come back. And I want her back, too.

In the end, we are strong people, stronger that we want to be sometimes!

I hope you find that person you were but also come to love the one you are now! :tup:

 

[OKRADLAK]

Often in therapy sessions it happens that I say something and in an instant my therapist gets tears in her eyes. .

This gives me the cold chills, too. I had a before and still, when someone expresses shock through either tears, a long gaze, anger and emotions I have been ordered to work through--HAD to work through or end up dead---when you see that those emotions are the normal reaction and we cannot live in them......well, that changes who we are, too.

That means when someone else is hurt, the initial emotion I have for them is different, too, than it would have been if I had not had trauma. That is why people come to me and tell me things because they know I will not smash a chair if they tell me they were abused.

I guess it is a double edged sword.

 

[Hashi]

Like prime-no I have no "before". It started at birth.

I suppose it's difficult in it's own way, having a before or not having one. It's difficult trying to piece yourself together when there wasn't anything there previously. Who I really am has been a mystery to me. And it would be nice to think I ever had happiness, confidence or peace. The bitterness I feel about my entire life can be overwhelming. But I can imagine that having those things and losing them would be devastating too.

I'm not sure anyone can go back, only forward. And healing from this must change everyone who goes through it.

 

[Lionheart]

I was traumatized at 4 years old and I only have a couple memories before that age. Still, I do remember a "before" period in that I can remember before I became disabled with PTSD.

There was a definite "after" period too, which occurred after I got sober, stopped harming myself, and had about 8-10 years of CBT and medication management. During this period, the symptoms of PTSD decreased in intensity and frequency, (although they still continue).

 

[Zef]

Took me awhile to respond to this thread. . .and not even sure how far I'll get this time. Like a lot of people, I don't really have a before PTSD because trauma started by/before age 3 for me.

Sometimes I think I get a glimpse of who I would have been, but I can't ever grasp hold of it and all I am left with is the memory that I might have caught a glimpse, but I don't remember what it was I glimpsed. The best I can describe it is actually lyrics from Pink Floyd's 'Comfortably Numb'.

I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Zef))) I remember when I first heard the song comfortably numb and thought it described me perfectly. I love Pink Floyd. I think I have every one of their cd's. I know why you like them so much. So much of their music describes the hell of ptsd. I think anyways.

 

[Tinyflame]

Ha, and with me Pink Floyd drives me up the wall (no pun intended), probably for the same reason you like the tunes gizmo! :)

I can only recall, when the ptsd symptoms began, I felt 'childhood' was over. A new harsh reality, I guess I assumed. I had no idea they were ptsd, just 'me' and maybe depression? Though it never seemed to fit.
I never considered anything as qualifying as a trauma, figured if I survived then it wasn't.

I know for certain suicide came up then, after lots of attempts to cope failed.

I think before it I felt happy, free, not fatalistic, able to disguise almost any fear I had.

I really don't know, heard I was described as 'so damned sweet". I think something of that and my soul got destroyed, my whole desire to exist, at some level. Like it put my heart in a vice.

I was very sensitive, but I don't think everything was as painful, I could regain a sense of security.
Maybe there were times I could relax.

I loved everything with speed, heights, gambling, but fun. Loved watching sunsets, too, going everywhere, lots of energy.

Hard to know because it 'tipped' (cracked?) at 14.

Really good question, was afraid to read it but like the responses.

 

[p-no]

I agree with so much you all are saying, Hashi, Zef, Junebug, OKRADLAK, Lionheart777. Incredible. It seems a bit like you've actually taken the words out of my mouth.

The bitterness I feel about my entire life can be overwhelming. But I can imagine that having those things and losing them would be devastating too.

Wow, Hashi, you actually *can* imagine. I can not. Seriously, I do not know what a normal life entails. It's like I have an idea that vanishes when you try to hold onto it to think and feel it through.

prime

 

[frozen]

I never expected to get such great replies to this question!

It has definitely opened my eyes and allowed me to see things from those who don't have a "before", Really interesting.

Some of us long for the old us, others long for a "I could have been"...in either case I think they are equally painful in their own way. Both deserve a great deal of grief.

I think it's safe to say that none of us will get the person they used to be back, and the others will never be what they may have been, but that we are all who we are now, and that's what we have to go on, the here and nows.

 

[p-no]

frozen, I am a collector of quotes I like and I have tons of them in my head (and on my walls at home). One of them came to mind just now.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
(George Eliot)

I think that you are right in saying that "others will never be what they might have been", since reality has taken its turn early on. At the same time, I find the quote to be true because today you have a say in who and what you want to be, so the quote asks me to keep going and become who I can imagine to be. That might not be the person I could have been in the first place, but it may well be a person I like to be and am able to love in the true sense of the word.

Thank you for asking the initial question!

 

[frozen]

Love the quote!

I also enjoy the deep meaning ones, and from time to time write my own. Of course most of mine come in the middle of trying to fall asleep , which forces me back up again so I can jot them down...I've written some really good books that way too :rolleyes: ;)