Sufferer What will never show

[IllogicalBulwark]

Part of me is already hating this. Hating that all the baggage has become too much to bear because I should be stronger. Need to be stronger, should not need a crutch to support what has been mine to bear. Making excuses, what I have experienced is but a mere drop in the bucket and I should be more invested in helping other rather than rattling on here in mindless drivel. If people find out, oh the ridicule! The litany of 4 letter words that rambles through my mind as tears stream down my cheeks. So yeah, welcome to an insight of my world. Meds are on the right, straight jackets on the left and dont peek into any closets that are not clearly marked.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum.

I can’t help but feel that you’re being quite hard on yourself. PTSD isn’t about being weak. I think you’ll find that many people here are quite strong as they don’t let this disorder keep them down, they keep on pushing forward in their healing journey.

I think you’re being very strong by putting yourself out there...here, on the forum. It’s not easy to take those healing steps!

:hug:

 

[ladee]

@IllogicalBulwark , what ever got you here is important, not trivial, and we are here to listen.. and help if we can. One of the first things we learn here , is to not compare traumas. Many here had a lot of horrible things happen to them. But what happened to me is just is as traumatic and hence PTSD... your trauma is important, my trauma is important.. If this has kept us from having a life without turmoil... we need to be here..

Glad you found us. sorry for the reasons.. and hope after you have been here for awhile, you will experience not being alone in your 'burden', and that it helps us heal to know we have others that understand. It's hard to come here, but it's also brave. Hope you find the support you deserve, it does make it a little easier knowing others understand.. Welcome.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @IllogicalBulwark welcome to the forums.

If people find out,

^^^Are you worried about them learning of your PTSD or trauma or both?

 

[IllogicalBulwark]

Thank you all for being kind and patient in the face of my rather salty post. In the end, I tried to be somewhat amusing. The fact is, I know that I need help in that I need to be able to freely express what is kept bottled up tightly inside. I have not had support throughout my 42 years on this dustball. I had a counselor a long long time ago in a lifetime far away, but recently and where I live I cannot seem to find anybody who wants to do anything other than prescribe meds. I will most likely start a thread down in the diary section if I can get my overly analytical brain to cough up a starting point and stick to it. Part of my defense is to scramble mentally in the face of openly admitting to and dealing with anything remotely close to issue. And yes, I am extremely critical of myself. It has kept me from ultimately hurting myself and staying within a moral closet for all these years.

@blackemerald1 There are few people who are close enough to and fewer who have knowledge of what I keep inside. I am considered the guardian, healer and generally the first person to get called upon for assistance in any capacity. If people knew or I should say when they find out (I let them in) they tend to distance themselves quickly. I have few actual friends, although I am most likely the least judgmental and most accepting person anybody says they know. And if people are in trouble, I am always there to assist in whatever way I can.

Again, thank you all and hopefully I will get past my own inner fallacies and discuss things.

 

[ladee]

Your above post described me. It was such a relief to come here and not be counted on for all the answers or insight or anything at all. Except to be me, and share my life. It was hard. But I hung around for a good while before I started my diary, because I wanted to get the 'feel' of the people here. Were they safe just because they said they were? The answer was yes.

I so understand where you are coming from.. But the support I received and still receive, when I share my pain, confusion, intolerance, what ever feeling is running me that day, I am accepted. I have tremendous respect for so many here. And trust many of them. but they earned that trust.

Thank you for sharing how vulnerable you are feeling... and here, we don't have to have all the answers, just ask questions, and get some healing answers from others. And support. Understanding. Very glad you are here. Welcome hugs if you accept them, if not now, I always say put them somewhere safe and take one down when no one is looking.. :hug::hug:

 

[IllogicalBulwark]

Part of my drive to figure out all of this is that my seemingly unending patience is swiftly waning. I have a 2 year old and another one on the way in December and for the love of Pete, I cannot bear to be....I just cannot and will not. So, I am digging deep, and doing what I have done all my life. What it takes to survive, just hoping its enough. Its one thing to ruin my own life, another to hurt or ruin 3 other lives when they have so much life to live.

 

[IllogicalBulwark]

Am I okay to write about strong sexual content in like a diary post? I don't want to like write a pornographic novel, but some of what I need to get off my chest is very much centered around this topic and not in an abuse kind of way.

 

[ladee]

Yes, when you start your diary, it is YOUR space. To talk about anything that you want or need to.

 

[Friday]

Am I okay to write about strong sexual content in like a diary post? ...

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