What's Normal And What's Not?

[wolfie205]

My T thinks I have PTSD even though I have not told her anything about my trauma. I don't even know if it is trauma because I don't even know what to call it right now. I told a previous counsellor about it and she said it was molest. My mum knew what was going on and she told me it was just a game and that I shouldn't lie or make up things that weren't true. My brother who is only a few years older than me used to do sexual things to me and it was a lot more than just a naked game because at times, it was a lot more than just removing my clothes. I don't think it was abuse because he was only maybe ten or eleven at that time but I find it really hard to accept that it was just a game.

Everyone thinks my family is incredibly perfect and that I have no reason to complain about things or to even have a mental illness. I mean at that point of time in my life, my parents weren't in my life at all and my brother did anything he wanted to me and got away with it. He used to lock me up in a storeroom as a prank, did anything he could to make my life a living hell, he called me names, made fun of me and I never could do anything about it. I tried running away so many times because I just couldn't take it anymore and my parents never even knew what was going on. People have told me that what happened was abuse even if I didn't say no and I let him do all these things to me but when do games or pranks or sibling rivalry really cross the line? Is my family right in saying that what happened was normal and I shouldn't make a big deal out of things? I am just so tired of my family and even my relatives making jokes and comments about my mental health issues. They don't even know what I have or what I'm seeing my T for and they just make jokes about how I'm really depressed because I used to self harm and they know about it. Some days, I listen to what they say about me and I ask myself if what they say is true. That I don't even have a reason to complain at all because my life just wasn't that bad and that whatever happened was normal and was not traumatic enough for me to develop PTSD.

I do have signs of PTSD. It's just that I am pretty high functioning and symptoms only get really bad when I am triggered or in periods of high stress so I think my PTSD isn't as serious as most people. I do dissociate when I am triggered and really anxious but most of the times my dissociation and other symptoms don't bother me that much and even if they do, they are still pretty manageable. I've been thinking a lot about whether I'm just exaggerating what happened and I really haven't told my T anything because I don't know if what I went through was even considered a traumatic experience. She has tried asking me about whether I've experienced certain stuff but so far, I've just told her no. What am I supposed to do?

 

[keifer]

Honesty is key. It works both ways too. You have to honest with your T if you want help. It's also a leap of faith. If you feel you can't trust or get help, find someone else. I think I talked to 6 people before I found someine. I was let down 5 times, and I got some help. Some called it depression so I asked why am I so angry with rage. They couldn't explain it. I didn't go back,

PTSD or not, you want to manage your symptoms else you wouldn't be seeing someone. If you can't be honest with your T, find another you can be. I also know it's not easy to talk but keep at it.

 

[Jugsaw]

Talk to your therapist of course you must . It sounds like your brother had no boundaries at all yes he was a child I'd have to say it sounds like poor parenting or no parenting !! How has he turned out now is it behaviour that has got worse do you think he has remorse and feelings of guilt

 

[Venusian]

Hi Wolfie,

If something is bothering you talk about it with your therapist. It doesn't matter if it is something you think someone else wouldn't think was traumatic or not, it is how you perceive it. If it is bothering you then it was traumatic to some degree, if it is confusing to you then your therapist can help you make sense of it.

When I decided to start therapy I made a pact with myself not to hold anything back, the therapy was for me it wasn't for anyone else. A therapist is trained to help you but you have to open up to get that help. You can go slowly or just dive in, the pace is something you and your T can talk about.

 

[USAF_Veteran]

I apologize for being so naive, but what is a "T"? Also, are you a boy or a girl? A close family member had sex with you? What age were you? Your post leaves out so many details that anybody who responds is doing so without all of the correct info. So, whatever they say should be discounted. Give us all of the information. Anyone who attempts to do so without all of the into is doing you a dissevrice.

 

[Powder]

It is normal to not trust and tell a therapist the truth when you are having a hard time accepting it yourself. I know because I went through everything you said and more. I wouldn't tell the therapist that an incestuous rape scene triggered a huge panic attack. I was evasive and said I didn't really know what specifically about the movie triggered me and tried to say it was the foreign travel and danger (which is what I was lying to myself about, blaming my PTSD on that, since I had repressed the real trauma mostly) that I thought triggered me. I couldn't admit to myself "what" triggered me because as I repressed the trauma, I cognitively had confusion about it. Since I had not processed my trauma yet, I could not speak of it to someone else. Thus it had total control of me, preventing therapy from doing any good.

I don't think withholding the information from us or your T is the large issue here. You are just not at the point in which it feels safe to "go there." That is not to say therapy is a total waste, but if you don't trust your therapist yet, it could have more to do with you than the therapist, or it could be that you are picking up something you don't like from him or her. Whatever it is, trust yourself and go at your own pace. You will talk about it when you are ready.

You are doing well so far in posting here. Good for you taking that step in honoring yourself more and more. It doesn't matter what they think or say. You know.

 

[macca]

Hey Wolfie. I've had long stretches where I've been high functioning, but I've also had patches where there was definitely something wrong. Actually going to a T was dreadfully difficult, and when I finally went, I couldn't tell her straight away. When I did tell her, it was massively triggering for me, but I'm very glad I did, because as tough as it has been, it would be tougher to keep pretending to myself. My family have always waved away or ignored any suggestion that I'd ever been through anything too, so it's been very validating for me to tell someone and really be heard. If you otherwise feel comfortable with your T, then I'd recommend you tell her. There you will get the validation you deserve, and you can explore it in a safe place. What you are describing doesn't sound "normal" and I worry that maybe your brother had stuff happen to him as well, and in turn played stuff out with you. I don't know how old you are, but I don't recommend holding onto this for decades, as I did.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I apologize for being so naive, but what is a "T"?

A T is a therapist, you'll find it's in common use around here and Wolfie is Female, you can tell by clicking on a users name/picture and it tells you there gender unless they've chosen to hide it. :)

 

[Powder]

Wolfie, have you separated yourself from this invalidating family? Even just the invalidating part can cause long term mental harm in the form of borderline and other personality issues that you'll have to work on. For one thing, they have taught you that it's never good to openly state your feelings or say what your needs are. For that, they have punished you with mental abuse. So now, you have to move away from that kind of disorder personality types and find people who listen, validate you, and don't enable you and have strings attached to that unhealthy attachment. In other words, find and befriend those who tell you the honest truth about themselves and don't make excuses for themselves; they follow most rules of society; they respect your strengths and don't overly criticize others' weaknesses; they don't take advantage of others or need to feel powerful and superior.

Mostly, people can't process the family wound until they have become strong and independent (not dependent anymore on the abusive family or person). With one disordered person in a family, the rest of the group has to disorder as well to remain in the unit. This also goes for women in abusive marriages. It is "too soon" when we have not become free of the abuser(s) and their gang and accepted that we've been unhealthy just to "fit in".

Everyone says trust your T. Some T's are not entirely trustworthy, especially if the unhealthy people found the T for you. So if you gut says "no" then give yourself permission to think about why that it. Give it time. You don't have to decide today.

Finally, see your strengths and power. Stand in that, and trust it. As a survivor, you will know when someone is worthy of trust or not. Don't settle for those not worthy. :)

 

[Candleflames]

A lot of what you express reminds me of how I talk to myself. The second guessing and invalidating of our own experiences is pretty common for those of us who grew up in toxic environments. Part of it just simply has to do with that we didn't know any different and we were so young. I'm sorry your brother abused you so. I'm also sorry for whatever happened to your brother that made him act out towards you like that.

I always knew my upbringing wasn't right but It never occurred to me how bad it was until I had children of my own. It's possible to look back at some of the events of my childhood and even laugh about it. However if I imagine my child in that same situation psycho momma bear is ready to charge.

Maybe you can try to think about if your experiences had happened to another child (not you). How would you feel and what would you say to this other child? Do you have mom friends? What would you say to them if they confided in you that something similar happened to their child? Taking yourself out of the picture might give you some clarity about what happened to you.

I can tell you that if the few instances had happened in my home among my 3 children some serious investigation to find a cause and therapy to help heal would be happening.

 

[Powder]

Wow, Candleflames offers some powerful insights here about seeing this scenario happening to someone else. This is important. This is a skill I will try and work on, too.

I have not had much practice with it, I admit.

 

[digger]

I've been thinking a lot about whether I'm just exaggerating what happened and I really haven't told my T anything because I don't know if what I went through was even considered a traumatic experience

I had to ask my counsellor to stop using the words 'trauma' and 'traumatic' before I was able to start talking about some things with her. Even though I could see why she was assigning the words to things, it was like I couldn't accept them as having anything to do with me or my experience.

Could you maybe start off by saying something along the lines of 'I know you probably won't think this is a big deal but x, y, z things that happened really bother me.' or even what you've said here, 'I don't know if I'm just making too big a deal out of something but such and such about what my brother did to me really bothers me.'