What's The Best Thing?

[Crow]

My dad took my mom to the doctor Monday because she was hallucinating and talking crazy. The doc hospitalized her four days with tests that determined dementia. When I talked to dad yesterday, he sounded scared. Never heard him sound scared.

I've not traveled to their home in over two years. My parents were not good parents. The neglect was significant and when I told my mom at age 9 and my mom & dad at age 22 about long term sexual abuse by a family member, nothing was done. Also no surprise was shown. My mom's only question was did I remember anyone else doing 'that' to me. My dad's response...."what do you want me to do about it now?" Never again was it spoken about. My main abuser is still the 'beloved' do no wrong family member.

So my quandary is how involved should I be? My brothers don't want to talk about the coming reality. My dad still thinks if mom will exercise, she'll get better.

I have skills for finding resources. I am good at planning. I can help both of them if they would allow it. But they're still dangerous people for me. I'm getting through that but I'm not quite there. And I am not sure if my dad would even accept or utilize the resources/help.

I could just not do anything and let my golden boy brother handle everything. ..which he won't. I just am not sure what to do. Talking to T tomorrow but wondered if you had some wisdom.

 

[The Albatross]

Let it roll out for a while and see if they come to you. Or let it roll out for a while after you've managed to decide that you can assist the situation without piling on the familial and sexual assault baggage? OR stay out of it unless or until she needs you or you need to act on your conscience... it should be (ideally) independent/free from all the history. A stand alone thing for your mother.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do whatever is best for you. If you think that you can get involved with all of this and stay healthy, then consider helping your parents. I don't think you should fool yourself into thinking it will be a "one and done" sort of deal. That is, once you get involved, it may be a lengthy process. That is, all of the work may be put upon your shoulders whether you want it or not.

But, you say they are dangerous people. In this sense, I think your letting your sense of guilt drive your decision making perhaps? I really don't understand the human guilt thing.....humans are the only species that feels guilty for not taking care of their parents until death, even if the parents were nothing more than egg and sperm donor. We also buy into the "miracle of birth" thing, which is sort of ridiculous considering that reproduction across the board happens trillions of times every day. (And I'm sure that's an extremely conservative estimate.) So then you get the bit about needing to honor thy mother and father because they gave you life. Add it all up, and you have the societal pressure to always care for family, even if they treated you horribly your whole life because "blood is thicker than water", right?

Do what's best for you.

 

[Friday]

My family is not abusive, totally safe people, and this situation has come up a couple times.

I let it play out.

Yes. I have resources. Yes. I have skills & knowledge. However... Yes. They have the right to make decisions in their own lives for their own lives. They are not my responsibility. They are grown ass adults who have every right to handle things awkwardly & stupid as they wish...without my coming in and trying to boss them around as if I have the right to.

Now... My family is pretty decent. 9:10 they'll figure it out. It just takes some time. In all honesty? Most people need that learning curve. Even if it's steep & painful. Or they're helpless. End up becoming dependent on the one person who knows what to do (and therefore exhausting that person), instead of 2-5-10 people all learning what to do, and all learning to contribute.

The 10th time? I'm still here. I'll help out if needed. But I let it play out, first.

 

[Crow]

Thanks @FridayJones . Exactly what I needed to hear!