When A Narcissist Is 'good'

[marlyn morgan]

My kids, all grown up, have a father that is a nasty piece of narcissist. I would venture to say he i...

Imagine this scenario. You come from a family who are people pleasers. You've never been taught to say 'No'. Mother always tried to brush stuff under the carpet and you have lived with the repercussions of this family environment ever since.
You meet people. All sorts of people but its not rocket science to work out you're going to get hooked up, or you're incredibly predisposed to getting hooked up, with a narcissist.
Would you want to carry on like this til the day you die? Would you want to pass this onto to your children too? or would you want to heal this forever in your family line?
I remember my first narcissist. I remember the first time he acted out. I remember the gut churning feeling inside me as I recognised a familiarity and the subsequent thought pattern that I had been taught. I can help this man and calm him down. I have no power in this world but I have power over him.
The next partner was worse.
This was my pattern so don't tell me to leave ! I need to learn. I may as well do just that in the situation I keep getting provided with.
My last narcissist was that way until the day he died. I never changed him but I DID manage to change myself. And HE managed something too. He managed to eventually have power for good in the world at last because he was so broken he had no possibility of doing this for himself but he did it for me. It may be a wonky kindof love but sometimes that is all a broken man can give and a broken woman can receive.
There are devils and angels in the world and if you wont learn your lessons the easy way then you'll have to learn them the hard way. And I am eternally grateful to this man for teaching me to eventually value myself enough to stand up for myself. R.I.P. my greatest teacher. And of course I love myself for taking my medicine and getting better. Totally love myself. R.I.P. my victim.

 

[sun seeker]

I am just wondering if any of you have a narcissist in your life that you may have feelings of anger about, or some sort of ambiguity, yet when you express those feelings there is a 'but they have done this for me so it is alright.'

Yes. My mother. You may have noticed my process overcoming this over time. I used to word any criticism of her just like you say. That's been over for a while now.

Aren't you proud of me? ;)

 

[shimmerz]

Aren't you proud of me? ;)

Yes, I am.

 

[ladee]

I am reading this thread again because of finally making a stand with the Narc in my life. I even posted early on about two men pin my life that personified what all is being shared here. And the affect they had on the Narc in my life.
It has taken time, feedback and shared experiences for me to be here posting again.
I do have the experience of watching my Narc who also has ADD and OCD being contributing factors.
Wondering if Narcs are born that way or created. Have been doing a lot of reading and educating myself about this.
It has taken me many years to untangle myself from being a hostage..
Having just had one more experience with the "good". But I blundered and ""challenged", and was met with rage and blame.
So thanking you @shimmerz for your input on my thread , this thread and your personal support,I feel I amfinally making progress.
My Narc was not born this way he was created. Will he ever seek help? I don't know.
But I do know with my own desire to grow and the caring support I have received, I am further along than I was two months ago.
Shimmy, love your strength and your commitment to your youngest son. I truly hope he makes it out. And admire your knowledge and commitment.
Thanks to everyone who has shared. I learn from each of you.

 

[sun seeker]

I am also starting to realize with a sinking feeling that I sometimes do this with my therapist, when I feel like I can't admit to how badly he's screwed up my treatment because of all the other times he's gone above and beyond the call of duty.

He's not a narcissist. This is more an issue of not being able to talk freely because there is an imbalance of power. You need someone on your side, so you can't say anything bad about them.

 

[scout86]

@sun seeker, something I've found with my own T is that I often THINK I can't be honest with him about something, for the reasons you're taking about, but that hasn't been accurate, so far. On the occasions when I've confronted him with something that was a problem for me, expecting he was going to get mad, or be hurt, or fire me, it always has turned out, so far, that was only a problem in my own head. (Ok, he may actually have felt hurt the time I accused him of lying to me, but we worked through that too.) My point is, I've found I sometimes expect there to be a problem because, in the past, there have been problems, with different people. It's easy to confuse then and now. At least for me.

 

[sun seeker]

Sorry @scout86, I think I wasn't clear. It's not talking to him that is the problem. I'm afraid of saying anything bad about him to other people... because it makes me guilty to be ungrateful, but it really comes down to the same dynamic: I need him, so I put up with things I really don't want to put up with.

And unfortunately, yes, there are real problems, not just in my imagination. :(

 

[shimmerz]

It's not talking to him that is the problem. I'm afraid of saying anything bad about him to other people... because it makes me guilty to be ungrateful,

Yes, but this concept that I am trying to get at here goes well beyond I feel guilty about saying anything bad. It is a literal terror of saying anything bad about the narc. In time, and with sufficient grooming on the part of the narc that behaviour embeds itself even moreso and it then turns into an automatic part of the inner landscape that, if anyone were to say anything that you perceive as being disloyal or bad about the narc you immediately and with great passion, jump to their defence and fight their battles for them. Even if it is damaging or hurtful or deadly even.

I believe part of this process as well involves letting the narc know that you did battle for them - that this horrible person said something and you DEFENDED them! How DARE they! Because you know with the narc that your footing is never firm and you are constantly looking for acknowledgement that you are supplying the narc with his lifeblood.

His or her never ending stream of narcissistic supply that everyone in the narcs world must deposit at their feet or there is hell to be paid. And you may become the next scapegoat.

A fate worse than death.

I should know. I am just that in that family structure.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It is a literal terror of saying anything bad about the narc. In time, and with sufficient grooming on the part of the narc that behaviour embeds itself even moreso and it then turns into an automatic part of the inner landscape that, if anyone were to say anything that you perceive as being disloyal or bad about the narc you immediately and with great passion, jump to their defence and fight their battles for them. Even if it is damaging or hurtful or deadly even.

Yes!!

I did turn at anyone that dared to say anything bad, any word, about my mom & step dad; I turned as like a wolf after dinner and bite the living hell out of you taking every single piece of flesh I could because, in my mind, they were good, I was bad, and I must defend their honor with every single thing I had.

But, I also was terrified of them. I saw them commit murder. I knew what they could do.

But, they were still good. Its a complete mindf*ck that took me 10 yrs of seperation and 7 more years of therapy to figure out it was abuse. That concept was new to me when i first joined here.

I am still moving through this. My therapist says the tailend of Stolkholm. I still turn and bite at him. Its a hard hold that i dont know if one could figure out its not right when its still being re-enforced. Im not sure if i could of without that 10 yrs of seperation.

 

[shimmerz]

I was bad, and I must defend their honor with every single thing I had.

Were you actually feeling like you were bad? Did that come to you after therapy or did you think it all along?

That is so incredibly tragic Lost. I can't imagine the weight of the pain of carrying that around.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Were you actually feeling like you were bad? Did that come to you after therapy or did you think it all along?

Yes. All along. As long as i can remember. Still do...its just not as strong as it used to be but its still there. Every move i make. Every word i say is all calculated. Is this bad? Is this wrong? Never letting loose...never letting my hair down. Always trying to figure out which way is wrong or bad and which way is right or good or ok.

Me fighting me...its an insane mindf*ck for sure.

Sorry, didnt mean to ramble. <-- Always appologizing...