When Are You Supposed To Feel Better?

[xena21]

I shared something I have never shared before during my last session. I learned something I never knew and it was helpful at the time. The problem is, the more the week has gone on, the more I've become distressed, and I don't know why. Is it because I talked about things and was more vulnerable by being more open? I thought it would helpful. I have been in therapy for seven years and haven't opened up like I did last week. I like my therapist now, but I don't understand why I'm feeling so bad now.

I almost feel like I'm supposed to better but I'm not and I'm confused about it. Does anyone understand this? Thanks for listening.

 

[ghotiff]

I think I know how you feel.

In a soon-to-be-ex T session, I pushed myself to say things that I have never said because my understanding (maybe wrong?) was that the theory was that if you disclosed all all the hard stuff (that I've never told anyone) then somehow you were unburdened by it. But I left feeling worse, and over the following days/weeks felt worse and worse. I'm too new at this to know if this is a good thing or bad thing. (I'm leaving my T for a few reasons and some are very clear, but this one ... I don't know about).

 

[verasdfghjkl]

I always feel more vulnerable when I open up to anyone, actually. So this appeals to my therapist as well as my friends. Right now, I'm feeling so vulnerable, unsafe, mistrustful, I just rather be alone these days, because then I at least know I will be a 100% safe.

Today, my therapist said she didn't want me to isolate myself from the people around me, but right now it's so hard to trust them, because I feel so, so vulnerable. Anyone could take advantage of that right now, and that's a big part of my PTSD.

The reason I feel this vulnerable/paranoid all the time is because of my sessions with my therapist every week. This EMDR treatment really takes me back to my traumas and as a result of that, I become even more vulnerable/paranoid than I already am without doing EMDR.

Also, talking about (or, as with EMDR taking yourself back to the trauma over and over again) makes you think about the things that made you vulnerable in the first place, feeling as vulnerable again. This reaction you have is so recognizable for me.

The things you're feeling are not weird at all. But to move forward, we have to keep doing it. We have to throw ourselves in those emotions again, confronting ourselves again with those difficult moments or things that happened, in order to battle PTSD. It's actually my biggest struggle in overcoming PTSD. Stay strong!

 

[xena21]

Thanks ghotiff and verasfghjkl. I am trying to confront things that have been hidden for over 25 years, and that cost me a good law enforcement job. It makes me so angry that I let the past control my life, so I agreed to therapy so I could get my life back.

It's amazing what trauma can do to a person. I found life in my job, but it wouldn't sustain me. Now I'm lost in my thoughts and all this terror of my past that I thought I could just ignore away by working diligently and making up for whatever I thought I did wrong. I thought if I could help others my past would disappear. I guess it doesn't work that way?

I have turned into a hermit, living away from everyone and trying to figure out how I can stay alive now. Some days its hard just to keep myself alive.

 

[open eyes]

There's no right time for you to start feeling better. Let it happen on its own. Sometimes opening up can be so scary that your brain sort of shuts down for a little while afterwards. Every time I've been through this situation- depending on how much I said, it can take days or weeks for me to recover & start feeling better. Talking about old ghosts won't make it get better right away- it will take time, but it definitely helps in the long run.

 

[arfie]

Time has no meaning in the healing process. ~Algonquin proverb

Looking back on my own recovery makes me think this is a good sign, xena. In my mind, I compare my cPTSD to broken bones which had been left to heal badly. All kinds of secondary issues were arising from that bad healing. In order to fix the issues, the bones had to be re-broken and set properly. It hurt worse for a while, but the new healing is far cleaner and stronger.

Hang in there, xena. Recovery is possible.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It would think it's pretty normal to feel a sort of backlash at finally talking about something you never have before.

It was difficult on your mentally to share it, so of course if would affect you. Perhaps you have more processing to do with whatever you shared- It might be to simplicity to think it will all be better in a single session.

It does get better. I have gotten better but I still have my off days; Like the past few weeks. But overall it can get better but it takes a lot of work.

Take care.

 

[franciemarnie]

As long as it was buried, you couldn't feel it.

Trauma changed your chemistry. You can't control that by will power anymore than you can think your way out of high blood pressure. Although meditation helps.

I began having a lot of physical pain when I kept the past buried. Then I had to deal with processing it.

When my husband had his knee replaced, it hurt like hell during the initial phase of healing.

I think you are doing great. It will get better if you can release the trauma energy. Talking never helped me much. More the physical discharge.

 

[Justmehere]

Part of why I don't open up sooner is because sometimes it can feel so so much worse before it gets better. Sometimes old feelings get stirred up and it takes a bit for them to calm back down. As I process and integrate more of the trauma somatically and emotionally, it gets better. But sometimes, everything gets so much worse I wonder if I can keep hanging on through it. I really hope it gets better for you too.

 

[xena21]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful responses. Sorry I'm just getting back now. It's been a tough few days, but I'm still here. As my psychiatrist said to me Friday, I'm doing well right now because I'm not in the hospital. That doesn't sound well to me, but I guess where she's coming from it's smaller steps that are involved.

I saw one of my therapists on Thursday and she was also happy with me but for a different reason. I was completely shocked. This is embarrassing to me, but I decided to drink a little the night before seeing her, because I felt numb and didn't want to hurt myself ( which I used to do quite often). Instead I called my two therapists after drinking a glass of bourbon, so I was not drunk, but definitely buzzed. I was crying at one point on the phone, which NEVER happens. So when the therapist saw me on Thursday she was so excited that I had shown emotion. I didn't understand that because it took me a little alcohol to show emotion to someone even to myself. That doesn't make sense to me that she would even think that was a good thing.

I don't know anymore what to think. They want me to show some emotion, yet I need help to do it. That doesn't seem right either. SHouldn't I just be able to do that on my own?

 

[arfie]

Sure, you and I both SHOULD be able to feel our emotions on our own, as surely as a diabetic SHOULD be able to control their blood sugar on their own and an asthma sufferer SHOULD be able to breathe easily on their own.

Needing help with things that we should be able to do on our own does not make us lesser humans.

Stay strong, xena. It will work if you work it.

 

[duff]

No matter what, you must go at your own pace! If disclosing certain things is too much, even in the aftermath, then I say allow yourself the option to not disclose. Or just disclose as much as feels comfortable... like, truly comfortable. I never would have thought it possible, until it happened to me, that I got to a point where I actually NEEDED to say certain things. I didn't feel obligated or like I was trying to fill a formula of healing. And when I did speak it, I felt relieved. But all the times before that when I tried to share more specifics I just felt suicidal more than anything.

We have so much time for this process! There is no rush. That is what I have to keep reminding myself.