When can i enjoy life?

[Stephernovas]

I'm really bothered by this, and it finally hit me that this is a huge problem. Every single freaking morning, I wake up with a buttload of things 'to do'. Now I'm not talking about the regular "hey, that's life" type of chores, but it's like I FIND things that need doing to the point where I avoid relaxation. Even when I'm terribly sick (unless I physically cannot stand) I won't lay around and allow myself that time to rest. As I'm sitting here typing this, in my mind I have a list of a million things to do. Thing that CAN wait. I'm constantly cleaning my house too. Yes, I do have dogs that shed and I live in a smaller place so the extra cleaning doesn't hurt for fur removal, but it's not imperative. I'm constantly feeling like I need to hurry up to be as efficient as possible and be prepared...for life. I guess? It's the whole, hurry up and wait thing. I think it stems from childhood neglect where I feel like I have to play catch up in life to be at par (or even ahead) of theres because I'm scared I won't get the opportunities those who haven't experienced trauma or neglect have. Ugh. I feel like I'm perpetually one step behind. You know, when you're running with a friend who is really fit and you're struggling to keep up with their pace the whole run, but really you're dying inside? Yeah, like that.

 

[Still Standing]

If you run out of things to do you can come give my house a good cleaning. That would get you out of your house and change scenery for ya. :D Seriously though, it sounds like you need to give yourself permission to take a break and do something that is fun. If your habit of constant activity is preventing you from slowing down, maybe you ought to look at what you do as a "job" and give yourself a 2 week vacation. It sounds like you are the one who is preventing yourself from enjoying life. Do you keep busy because you don't think you deserve to have time off? I would purposefully make arrangements to go somewhere, away from your home, so you are not distracted by your never ending "to-do" list. It will all be there when you get back. Have you talked to you T about your habit of constant "doing"? It certainly would be something to mention.

 

[IllogicalBulwark]

I have a similar problem Stephers. @Still Standing I can tell you that I am on vacation next week and it will be the same thing. I will be the one overseeing the children, picking up empty water bottles, getting people food, snax, lotions, wtv. Or in the Condo cleaning, cooking, laundry. I give my wife all the time to do whatever she wants and I just do do do. And I find myself resenting her at times even though I am the one who is telling her to sit and play PS4 or go out to the concert. The last time I did something for "myself" I wound up at a friends house repairing his computer and helping change the oil in his car. Only time I am remotely not constantly doing is like at a movie. But that is like major sensory overload with noise, images, etc.

This issue extends into my work as well. I constantly have to be doing something and will avoid doing things I actually need to get done to do other less useful or ultimately needed things. Not sure how to resolve either and am hoping somebody has some advice that may help!!

 

[Stephernovas]

If you run out of things to do you can come give my house a good cleaning. That would get you o...

I've been off work for just over a year now bc of a work accident of me striking a moose on the highway. That's when I officially was diagnosed with severe symptoms of PTSD, and now I still am recovering from post-concussive syndrome. As well my body is taking it's sweet ass time healing. This has been a bit of a realization just over the past while. Frankly, I wouldn't have been out on that highway that night if I didn't have the compulsion to work as much as I was - I was literally working day and night. I had 2 jobs where I'd do a midnight shift, leave at 6a, hit the gym for 7a, then I'd be at work for 830a-430p, only to return to my other job for an evening (4p-11p) or midnight shift (11p-7a) again. I have a lot of emotions behind my feelings of not being a 'developed' adult, so to speak. I have such a mess to clean up from my trial and error learning throughout life. Things that would've been avoided if my parents would've gotten off their asses, stopped screwing around and actually parented me appropriately. You know, offer me support and all. The stuff humans need.

Ugh. I'm clearly a little rant-y today. Overall very unhappy with how I've considered this "living" for so long now..

 

[joeylittle]

Now I'm not talking about the regular "hey, that's life" type of chores, but it's like I FIND things that need doing to the point where I avoid relaxation.

Have you eve tied incorporating leisure activities into the list of "things to do"?

I have a slightly different version of what you describe. It has helped me, somewhat, to make sure I have an actual list of things I'm going to do on any given day (sometimes I make it in the morning, sometimes the night before) - and some of the elements on that list are self-care based, and some are recreational.

 

[Stephernovas]

Have you eve tied incorporating leisure activities into the list of "things to do"?

I have a slight...

That's the problem though. I avoid anything that's not work or considered to benefit my future. I mean I totally understand the concept and how important it is to incorporate relaxation into my day (especially with loads of anxiety and triggers), but I guess my issue is feeling deserving enough to rest. I can't seem to mentally allow myself that break that I need. Even to the point of scheduling it into my day. I'm bothered by how easy it is to ignore my own needs and push myself to meet other's standards. I could say, oh, it would be a good idea to do some meditation right now. Or, it would only take 5 minutes to go through this guided mediation, and yet, I ignore it and keep working. #fixme lol

 

[joeylittle]

my issue is feeling deserving enough to rest.

I understand.

That's why you have to make it a task. At first, you aren't going to feel like it's pleasant or relaxing. That will take awhile. Your immediate goal is simply to make it a task, just like all the other tasks. Then, you can work on letting yourself be fully present to it - and then, work up to understanding how to enjoy it.

 

[Still Standing]

I'm bothered by how easy it is to ignore my own needs and push myself to meet other's standards.

Is it the standards you are striving to meet or the approval from others (and yourself) for doing a great job? If you lacked nurturing from your parents, I can see how your work-a-holic activity is a subconscious way of getting the praise, acceptance, recognition, and reputation of being a faithful and productive guy. It is all about approval...something you may have lacked in childhood. If you slow down and play, are you seeing yourself as being lazy or less productive? It is OK to take time for yourself. At some point you need to give yourself permission to learn how to stop and simply enjoy the moment. It takes a decision to do so...and it is hard because you are so used to moving. But, recreation is called this for a reason. It gives time for the body to refresh itself. There is a time to rest and there is a time to work. Being quiet and still is OK, too.

 

[Stephernovas]

Yeah, I hear what you all are saying. I'm simply miserable about it. I wonder when the resentment towards my parents will go away. Even in my recovery I work exceptionally hard at it. Others ALWAYS tell me I place unattainable standards for myself to achieve, and somehow am very understanding to others when they cannot reach separate standards. Silly brain, switch this off. I don't need to feel guilt for taking sometime off to enjoy life. I mean, this is a conversation for therapy, but bad things often happened when I had my guard down and enjoyed myself, so hence always being on guard (plus the PTSD). Last session my therapist actually described me as 'an island' lol..just to share how well that is going. She told me I either fake letting someone in and engage in light conversation that some people will buy, or I'll truthfully share a tiny bit, but then I will shut down hard, forcing said person to dig. #itscomplicated I wish I knew what emotion I'm trying to work through right now. Anyone experience that? Where you can't even put a name to what you're thinking/feeling rn?

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Stephernovas i am the same train you’re on!! I have tried every trick in the book to first take care of me. To spend time improving my mind/body split. The only thing that works for me is a) having a dog to walk-very therapeutic, and b) watching YouTube videos of Tara Brach. She gives a talk once a week in a UU church in the DC area. She’s got a doctorate in Psychology and she teaches mindfulness meditation in a very unique and captivating way. She takes a topic and presents it from a neurological and limbic and body perspective. She is witty and presents interesting cases. And then she teaches a “practice” for meditation. Each talk last approx 1 hour. I can’t always watch the whole thing at once, but it’s easy to stop and restart. The subjects she discusses are the negative self talk, the fear of our world falling apart, the pressures of work and relationships, the fear body, etc. I think you would like her.
I can’t sit alone and meditate. That damn to-do list is always running through my mind. It’s so exhausting. In my case, I overwork to avoid thoughts of my trauma. Give her a try

 

[Friday]

Like Joey, I used to have a daily/weekly chores list that included all sorts of things that weren’t chores. Like something fun. It used to be a hardline rule in my life that I had to do at least one thing every day that was fun.

I avoid anything that's not work or considered to benefit my future

Use this as the wedge.

Pick activities, at least to start, that are both fun/relaxing AND to the betterment of your future. Like a sport to keep physically fit, or learning a language to help you travel or la d a job, or an art that is either grounding or enhances your CV. It’s okay for a thing to have two purposes.

 

[Stephernovas]

Like Joey, I used to have a daily/weekly chores list that included all sorts of things that weren’t ch...

Yeah I’ve had to argue with worker’s comp to give me more time with my physio as I LOVE being strong and athletic, but certain movements and some muscle fatigue stuff is a trigger. I haven’t ironed out all the kinks. I think today I’m realizing how much effort it actually takes to either avoid triggers, or manage them. I keep waiting to return to this level of normalcy that I feel like I should know. You know, when people say when you know, you know. I keep looking around at my life and watching things I’ve been doing and seeing the reaction it has on me (I panicked over something I did with ease before my accident), and it kinda made me stop and go...”oh. I guess this is pretty bad”.

I have a bit of family drama going on in my sisters life and her husband asked me to watch the kids for him overnight. Naturally I’d do anything for my nephews so I said yes. My therapist was quick to reply with “I hope you don’t!” When I told her the situation, as she explained I have enough to deal with on my own. Changing your whole life to deal with PTSD and all the fun it brings is pretty dang hard. It’s kind of like a movie sometimes. I’m watching my own life and can point things out but im yelling at the character (me) to not do something - like in a horror movie when the main character realizes there’s a murderer in the house and they choose to hide upstairs instead of running outside of the house....lol...WHAT ARE YOU DOINNNNGGG?!?!?!????