Childhood when did you start remembering?

[Mach123]

I’m unwinding it now still, I have therapy today thank goodness. In some ways it’s going even faster now. It’s so hard to deal with because I guess all those years of pretending or suppressing or dissociating they are all memories, all my memories actually are like that . Like that’s me. What’s me? I was thinking yesterday about the question how do you want to be referred to or how do you identify and I never could do it, and now I understand. The answer is what did you have in mind ? There is no me.

But this at least is processed a little imo. That other state, the knowing and not knowing, it was harder, the overhead, the panic, it was exhausting. So this is like fun? Lol. Not exactly.

 

[Grasping Hope]

Depends how exactly we define remembering. I expect many will understand what I mean. There are so many layers. For some people memory does hit them like a freight train, all at once like a movie of 24/7 flashbacks. That was not the case for me. When did I have the first glimmer of suspicion? Sometime in my mid 30s. I checked it with someone who invalidated what I was sensing, then stopped thinking about it for years.

The next phase started in 2013. I was 42. It went on for a couple more years. It started with a vague intuitive sense, then more and more things I was feeling matching what other people talked about feeling, then looking at my life and realizing how much of my story didn't make sense any other way. Then I started paying attention to what my body was telling me. That was a big turning point. I read everything I could find on somatic experiencing, body memories and somatic flashbacks. My flashbacks are rarely visual, mostly somatic and emotional, so that was important. The more I leaned in to my body's memory, the more clear it became that there was a "there" there. I mean, I would focus on a somatic symptom I was having and my body would tell the story in flashbacks so intense, it was obvious I wasn't imagining things.

I started getting clues in my dreams.

In my case, I am a ritual abuse survivor as well. My first clear memory of that came in 2013. I still don't remember everything, but enough to have a sense of my life story that makes sense and has allowed me to process my trauma and establish communication between different parts (which I didn't realize I had until 2016). The shame and self-loathing that come with thinking there has to be more but you can't remember it so you doubt yourself, is a minor thing in my life compared to where I was 10 years ago.

If someone just starting out asked me for advice, I'd say two things. First, be sure you really want to know. If your life is basically good as it is, really think about it. Remembering is not an easy road. Your whole life turns inside out and upside down, you lose relationships, you question everything you thought you knew, and you are shaken to the core.

But, if the answer is still "yes, I want to know" then my top piece of advice would be "trust your body."

It's the middle of the night and my eyes are tired and I haven't read the whole thread. Will catch up later.

 

[Movingforward10]

Depends how exactly we define remembering. I expect many will understand what I mean. There are so many layers

This.

 

[Muttly]

As @Grasping Hope said there are layers and layers and then more layers of memory for me.

If someone just starting out asked me for advice, I'd say two things. First, be sure you really want to know. If your life is basically good as it is, really think about it. Remembering is not an easy road. Your whole life turns inside out and upside down, you lose relationships, you question everything you thought you knew, and you are shaken to the core.

This was my experience. It cost me a lot and I spent most of my time in the process being very self-destructive. It's very important, in my opinion, to have support while you work on remembering and understanding your experiences. I am glad I did it though.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I once heard it said, instead of “memory recovered” say “meaning revealed” and that helped a lot.

yeah, I think this is part of my motivation / what I'm looking for. so much is sprawling out of this rift that has opened up in my head and I know it all means -has come from- something and I want, have, a need to understand it and learn what it means. since what it has done to me is all unravveling in front of me

I'd say two things. First, be sure you really want to know. If your life is basically good as it is, really think about it. Remembering is not an easy road. Your whole life turns inside out and upside down, you lose relationships, you question everything you thought you knew, and you are shaken to the core.

But, if the answer is still "yes, I want to know" then my top piece of advice would be "trust your body."

thank you. personally I think I need to get through the mire of it all to properly heal. I can't work, I dropped out of further education years ago, my life has been dominated beyond belief by my trauma. and that was from the first uncovering of sexual trauma, I was doing probably best I'd ever felt and then (sad, that I was just a teen then) got plummeted into the worst years of my life. I'd always been ill but never in my life how it was after that, but now that structure has finally broken down and I have the support network/skills/better situation with my parts I feel compelled to continue the process, I feel I'm being pushed in that direction anyway, it's happening. after spending years and years in the brutality of the ideas that were ingrained into me by this trauma that I don't know yet, it feels natural to want to know so it can all be properly begun to put to some sort of rest. box is already half open/empty kind of thing. I know it will be awful but I don't think I can turn a blind eye to it. now that the process has been kicked off.

This was my experience. It cost me a lot and I spent most of my time in the process being very self-destructive. It's very important, in my opinion, to have support while you work on remembering and understanding your experiences. I am glad I did it though.

absolutely. I can now see why my T has been so careful and moderate and gentle with me since Ive started to see her. she's been able to make an educated guess that there's stuff that cannot be induced out too early or it would probably kill me. I cant imagine me having been able to handle it for most of the time that Ive seen her. it's only even recently that I can comprehend the idea being possible. so Ive been grateful for that. and I am not isolated from trusted people I can see in person, so I think there is more structure now to be supported with. that makes me less scared.

It will also cost me a lot. I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with dad's side of the family, how it could affect that. and their relationshops with eachother and everything. I can see me falling out with my mum too, or something happening. n then obviously the personal fallout I'm gong to have. I know I can survive it but Im not stupid. it will cost a lot of my health and I think I'll grieve that again. and I don't know wht will hold up and what wont, in terms of progress Ive made and qol stuff. I know the level of sickness and incapacity Im capable of getting to. and how regardless of mental health stuff I'm always going to struggle with looking after myself. lot to weigh up but it oesnt put me off. Ive been in terrible places that I thought I could never get out of. Im no way invincible but to me it has to / will happen. Im just hoping I can have a more diverse suppor system before it happens.

 

[Muttly]

It sounds like you have a good understanding of what you need and many of the risk and benefits of the path you are taking. I am glad you have a supportive therapist and you are posting here.

Im just hoping I can have a more diverse suppor system before it happens.

I hope this for you too