Muttly
Diamond Member
I started writing a different sort of post, but realized I wasn't really dealing with the core issues. I've been dating the same guy, J, for 1.5 years now. We've known each other even longer. Supposedly we are "boyfriends" but we don't see each other often anymore and don't talk regularly. We also have an open relationship. I agree with my crazy ex-roomate that we are more like guys that date, than boyfriends. I agree with my therapist, that J can only commit (not sure that's the right word) in limited ways.
Have I talked this out with J? No. This is the first, serious, non-abusive relationship I've ever had. There are good things. When we are together it's fun and rewarding. He is ok with me being asexual and super understanding about intimacy issues. He also has PTSD and gets that stuff. But I also feel like I'm being dishonest. I suspect he would define the relationship differently than I. I suspect if I told him, it felt like we were just a couple guys who occasionally date he'd feel hurt. And as he isn't doing anything horrible it's just been easier to go with the flow.
I have said that I wish I heard from him more often. That it's pretty consistently me initiating contact and I wish sometimes he would be the initiator. That I wish that when we were talking he checks in to see how I'm doing. I *always* ask him. No matter what the drama in my life, I ask because I care. Because he's supposedly an important person in my life. He often doesn't ask. And we've talked that one round and round and he does make an effort but unless we keep having the conversation, he doesn't maintain the effort. And so, then I guess I decided that he probably wasn't going to change. You can't change people, I know that. So I just needed to accept what I had (or move on). That I can think of us as guys that date and use that reference as a way to manage my expectations.
But then, there are times, like now, when I'm all hurt and disappointed. It's stupid. I know what he's like. I do. Three and a half months ago, I had a fairly bad fall at work and injured my knee. It wouldn't heal and I've been ready to get surgery for a while now so I could move on. This entire time, J has been fairly absent. Oh well, he's come around before when I was sick. I seem to have a lot of problems and he has a busy life and whatever. Finally, I got my surgery scheduled. His entire response was "I’m so excited for you, I’m hoping this helps" As well as telling him about my surgery I'd asked how he was doing. So he then launched into drama happening with his roommate and how it had triggered PTSD and it was all so immediate and .. I don't know. That's what the next hour plus was spent on. His issues. He never asked me a single question about my surgery or how I'm going to manage while living alone. So yeah, stupid me gets hurt.
But now he's got all this drama going on so it doesn't seem right t say I'm hurt. And besides, we've basically had this conversation. He will be all apologetic. He will explain he does care he just doesn't know what to say and how to show it. He will be more attentive for a bit. Blah blah blah. So when do I say... you're sort of a self-involved ass. When do I say, you know, I like you a lot and I want to be able to spend time together but you aren't my boyfriend. A boyfriend includes a certain level of commitment. When do I say... I don't think you care as much as you claim. If you really cared, there's be some level of interest in what's happening in my life. When do I say... you know, I get you are freaked out over your roommate situation but right now I'm too hurt and pissed to want to talk to you. You are really good at filling your life up with stuff and people that aren't me, so go do that because I'm too freaking tired and hurt to help you. When do you say, "next time you are about to say,'I miss you' stop and check yourself. If it's when your in the midst of a bad time, don't freaking say it because it hurts like hell that, that's the only time you do say it.
And why does writing this all out, just make me hate myself and feel like an utter idiot?
Have I talked this out with J? No. This is the first, serious, non-abusive relationship I've ever had. There are good things. When we are together it's fun and rewarding. He is ok with me being asexual and super understanding about intimacy issues. He also has PTSD and gets that stuff. But I also feel like I'm being dishonest. I suspect he would define the relationship differently than I. I suspect if I told him, it felt like we were just a couple guys who occasionally date he'd feel hurt. And as he isn't doing anything horrible it's just been easier to go with the flow.
I have said that I wish I heard from him more often. That it's pretty consistently me initiating contact and I wish sometimes he would be the initiator. That I wish that when we were talking he checks in to see how I'm doing. I *always* ask him. No matter what the drama in my life, I ask because I care. Because he's supposedly an important person in my life. He often doesn't ask. And we've talked that one round and round and he does make an effort but unless we keep having the conversation, he doesn't maintain the effort. And so, then I guess I decided that he probably wasn't going to change. You can't change people, I know that. So I just needed to accept what I had (or move on). That I can think of us as guys that date and use that reference as a way to manage my expectations.
But then, there are times, like now, when I'm all hurt and disappointed. It's stupid. I know what he's like. I do. Three and a half months ago, I had a fairly bad fall at work and injured my knee. It wouldn't heal and I've been ready to get surgery for a while now so I could move on. This entire time, J has been fairly absent. Oh well, he's come around before when I was sick. I seem to have a lot of problems and he has a busy life and whatever. Finally, I got my surgery scheduled. His entire response was "I’m so excited for you, I’m hoping this helps" As well as telling him about my surgery I'd asked how he was doing. So he then launched into drama happening with his roommate and how it had triggered PTSD and it was all so immediate and .. I don't know. That's what the next hour plus was spent on. His issues. He never asked me a single question about my surgery or how I'm going to manage while living alone. So yeah, stupid me gets hurt.
But now he's got all this drama going on so it doesn't seem right t say I'm hurt. And besides, we've basically had this conversation. He will be all apologetic. He will explain he does care he just doesn't know what to say and how to show it. He will be more attentive for a bit. Blah blah blah. So when do I say... you're sort of a self-involved ass. When do I say, you know, I like you a lot and I want to be able to spend time together but you aren't my boyfriend. A boyfriend includes a certain level of commitment. When do I say... I don't think you care as much as you claim. If you really cared, there's be some level of interest in what's happening in my life. When do I say... you know, I get you are freaked out over your roommate situation but right now I'm too hurt and pissed to want to talk to you. You are really good at filling your life up with stuff and people that aren't me, so go do that because I'm too freaking tired and hurt to help you. When do you say, "next time you are about to say,'I miss you' stop and check yourself. If it's when your in the midst of a bad time, don't freaking say it because it hurts like hell that, that's the only time you do say it.
And why does writing this all out, just make me hate myself and feel like an utter idiot?
