Dom Violence When do you stop looking over your shoulder?

[Sighs]

Just want to check - are you getting out and about during the day?

Yes. I’m working full time. I go to the supermarket. He lives in the next town over. Went to the supermarket there last week. Was very nervous and uncomfortable. But still went!

It’s at night when I’m alone that I get scared.

 

[Sideways]

That makes sense. I think just give yourself some more time. It’s a good sign that you’re not needing to avoid his town altogether.

 

[joeylittle]

@Sighs - is it legal in your part of the world to carry something like pepper spray, or bear-spray...I'm asking because - and this is going to sound ridiculous, and I'm not trying to feed into irrational fears - a knife may be 50% practical and 50% symbolic. In a fight with someone who has skills (like your ex), a close range weapon like that could get turned against you.

I do understand the feeling of strength one can get from a large knife - but I'm wondering if there's a different defensive tool you could give yourself, one that might be more practical.

This could be the most ridiculous post ever - sorry if it is.

 

[Gs172003]

Here's one I found on Amazon and it's a pretty color ?

SABRE RED Pepper Spray Keychain with Quick Release for Easy Access - Max Police Strength OC Spray, Finger Grip for Accurate Aim, 10-Foot (3M) Range, 25 Bursts (5x Other Brands) - Practice Spray Option https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07KFPM619/?tag=ap0f5b-20

 

[Sighs]

@joeylittle - not ridiculous at all. Sadly pepper spray is illegal here.
I’m aware that a knife is not likely to be much help but I’m dammed if I’ll be caught without any ability to fight back. Even if I only manage to scratch him with it!

 

[blackemerald1]

18 years, about twenty-nine moves zig zagging across a whole continent several times so too many kilometres to count.

Many scary nights. Court orders, fights in courts to keep court orders. Hiding hiding everything and still do.

Sleeping with a tommy axe (small axe), sleeping with a baton/knife/baton torch - still do and I think I always will.

How do you stop looking over your shoulder when someone who has the abilty to kill you may want you dead?

^ Sorry Sighs but I haven't and I don't think I will. It's to do with survival.

I think @joeylittle has a point though. Can you slip on a ear piercing personal alarm (enough for the neighbours to wake up) and there are various kitchen/household aerosols that can be carried that may stun for a second or two so you can run?

 

[Gs172003]

@joeylittle - not ridiculous at all. Sadly pepper spray is illegal here.
I’m aware that a knife is not likely to be much help but I’m dammed if I’ll be caught without any ability to fight back. Even if I only manage to scratch him with it!

Wow I can't believe something so harmless in the long run would be illegal. I'm so sorry..

 

[Gs172003]

18 years, about twenty-nine moves zig zagging across a whole continent several times so too many kilometres to count.

Many scary nights. Court orders, fights in courts to keep court orders. Hiding hiding everything and still do.

Sleeping with a tommy axe (small axe), sleeping with a baton/knife/baton torch - still do and I think I always will.



^ Sorry Sighs but I haven't and I don't think I will. It's to do with survival.

I think @joeylittle has a point though. Can you slip on a ear piercing personal alarm (enough for the neighbours to wake up) and there are various kitchen/household aerosols that can be carried that may stun for a second or two so you can run?

Wasp spray sprays a long way ;)

 

[Ronin]

You lived with him for bit of a time... any of his allergies or sensory reactions that could be useful to your defense / get you time?

 

[Sideways]

I’m dammed if I’ll be caught without any ability to fight back. Even if I only manage to scratch him with it!

Language is such a powerful thing.

I get the motivation behind this stuff, and everyone chiming in with weapon options makes me very aware that my thinking here is in the minority...

That said, let’s say someone has anxiety about being the victim of an acid attack.

Is dressing in acid-proof clothing helping that person manage their anxiety?

Or making it worse?

He lives in another town over. You have 2 dogs with you. You’re sticking to your own property. And being particularly anxious in the evenings when you can’t see as clearly makes sense. Having lingering anxiety about him makes sense.

Carrying weaponry is going to feed your anxiety, so if the goal is to relearn how to feel safe at your own home? That’s not me saying “stop taking reasonable safety precautions”. Lock your doors at night.

But carrying knives and sprays around your own property when you take your dogs out to pee?

Reality check this: Your dogs are going to be faaaar more effective at keeping you safe than - terrified and stunned you, in the dark, against a person with professional training, and who has obviously planned all this out very carefully, to have driven over to your town in the evening, and hidden out in your garden waiting till you come out with your dogs...unless you have some kind of KGB training I’m unaware of...?

You’ll get past this. You will learn to feel safe again. Give yourself time, and a healthy dose of compassion. Use your supports when things are getting tough. And be honest with yourself if you need more support than you’re currently allowing yourself.

 

[blackemerald1]

I understand what you are saying @Sideways. You are referring to Sighs anxiety levels and I know that is completely legitimate once safety has been addressed or assured. But that's not the case is it?

So it's not an unrealistic perception is it? I ask because maybe I've got it all wrong.

I won't link them here but there is well established information and studies demonstrating that one of the most dangerous times for a woman leaving a domestic violence situation is when they have left and particularly if the location of the woman is known to the ex partner.

Even if no domestic violence was perpetrated it is still dangerous. The potential is unknown and it is safer to err on the side of caution.

So, in light of ^ and her own personal knowledge and situation, Sighs perception of reality and resultant anxiety may be well justified?

Working on legitimate fear in my view is about working on safety measures before looking inward.

Unfortunately since Sighs probably cannot afford some of the higher end personal safety and security measures.. like a bodyguard that means using tactics like knives, sprays, personal alarms and the dogs etc to shock and delay and being alert to the possibility of attack.

Dogs are easily subdued by a person that knows they are one of the obstacles to be overcome. At absolute best they may be an alarm or delay tactic. These are pets. Possibly even known or familiar to the ex? Are they likely to bark and alert, attack or run up for a snuggle?

Even getting and keeping a Court Order is a big deal and situates a woman near their perpetrator/ex. It is so difficult to persuade a Court that there is this potential for harm. Courts like to deal in evidence as you know. So unfortunately, and too often, something terrible must take place before they will be persuaded to take action. Then it might be too late.

I know of one person who realistically will never be safe and if it quells your idea that I'm being hysterical let me add that a higher Court also agreed and issued a protection order because of it - for life.

Returning to the OP - remain alert and aware. Your instincts are not wrong.

 

[siniang]

@Sideways you're trying rational reasoning on a PTSD mind. Not gonna work like this :)

Rationally: How many times have you taken your dogs out and not needed it?

Yeah, T tries that approach with me - nope, not gonna fly :hilarious:

Psychologically: safety behaviours have a way of reinforcing anxiety (as opposed to fear). Each time you pack your knife? You’re sending your brain the message that you might need the knife. And likewise, each time you don’t take your knife, and come home safely, you help reset the brain into understanding the knife is unnecessary.

So much for the theory, but I don't think it works as easy in the PTSD reality.

-------

For me? I don't have a specific abuser I'm afraid of. It's been 18, almost 19 years since my trauma. I've moved continents since then. And I still look over my shoulder at night. Even in my own yard. Even in my own car. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I do so more than my personal average. It also depends on how much distracted I am. But overall, generally? I still do. I honestly don't think that hypervigilance will ever go away, I kinda just learned to live with it.

Any sort of weapon, be it a knife or pepper spray or .... never had one. They actually make me nervous, definitely not feeling safer. I think in the worst case, I'd freeze anyway and would be unable to use them. And they could be used against me or aggravate a situation further.