So I've been gone for a while. I was actually doing pretty well for a while. With dozens of EMDR sessions done, the nightmares and intense flashbacks are at least gone, and that's a relieve.
Lately I've been dreaming though. I don't wake-up. I don't sweat. I don't scream.
They are about the abuser from when I was seventeen, the most difficult one. In the dreams, everyone knows what he did to me, but in the dream we are suddenly a couple. Everyone is around, often even my husband. The abuser starts to have sex with me, people I love are watching and approving, I don't do anything to stop him (I never really did), but he isn't violent - he is actually quite loving (nearly throwing up typing this), saying things to me like: 'Well tell me, so you don't want this? Why didn't you do anything? You wanted it before too'. In the dream I definitely DO NOT want it. I am filled with horror and disgust. But I don't say anything, and I don't do anything.
The day after those dreams get me so confused. The things he says to me, are things I used to say to myself. I thought I was passed that, that I didn't blame myself, that I was a victim. But when I have these dreams I don't know anymore. I can't get them out of my head, I doubt myself and drive myself completely crazy, feeling like a fraud, feeling so disgusted with myself. I can't function. I have no job anymore, forget to drink and eat or go to the bathroom. I'm just purely existing and it's painfull.
I really rather have a nightmare where it's obvious that there's an attacker and a victim, even if I'm the victim. It messes me up too, but in a very different way.
I don't really know what I want with this post, I guess I'm hoping to find some recognition.
Lately I've been dreaming though. I don't wake-up. I don't sweat. I don't scream.
They are about the abuser from when I was seventeen, the most difficult one. In the dreams, everyone knows what he did to me, but in the dream we are suddenly a couple. Everyone is around, often even my husband. The abuser starts to have sex with me, people I love are watching and approving, I don't do anything to stop him (I never really did), but he isn't violent - he is actually quite loving (nearly throwing up typing this), saying things to me like: 'Well tell me, so you don't want this? Why didn't you do anything? You wanted it before too'. In the dream I definitely DO NOT want it. I am filled with horror and disgust. But I don't say anything, and I don't do anything.
The day after those dreams get me so confused. The things he says to me, are things I used to say to myself. I thought I was passed that, that I didn't blame myself, that I was a victim. But when I have these dreams I don't know anymore. I can't get them out of my head, I doubt myself and drive myself completely crazy, feeling like a fraud, feeling so disgusted with myself. I can't function. I have no job anymore, forget to drink and eat or go to the bathroom. I'm just purely existing and it's painfull.
I really rather have a nightmare where it's obvious that there's an attacker and a victim, even if I'm the victim. It messes me up too, but in a very different way.
I don't really know what I want with this post, I guess I'm hoping to find some recognition.