General When Everything Is Going Wrong

[Nicolette]

I am interested to find out how Carers can shelter their suffer from their own situations when they themselves are under a lot of stress.

How do you 'turn off your personal stress' so it has minimal impact on your suffer?

How do you take responsibility for your own emotions without projecting them onto your suffer...conscious or sub conscious?

 

[Jim]

Well Nicolette. Suppose it depends on the situation? When Brian died, all of us were under incredible stress. Not much we could do to shield Evie from that. Other stress situations - we try not to involve or pressure her. Of course life isn't perfect. Can never totally shield her. One thing. Evie has her own part of the house. If she becomes tired of us, she may retreat there anytime, no questions asked.

Sorry can't be more helpful. Others may have more input. Kathleen definitely, once she returns from her trip. Take care.

Jim.

 

[Jen]

Thats a hard one Nicolette trust me I know! We have been married 26 years and their are days I would love to kick him in the butt and rip his head of.
BUT I know if he sees that he has upset me that much he seems to go downhill further it really is a case for me that I have my own escapes like going to golf or even just locking myself away with music and a nice wine to try and settle myself down.
I am a stressful person my sis who is a nurse says that me getting sick earlier this year probably had a lot to do with stress.
I take my hat of to anyone who can keep their stress in check they must lead a perfect life!

 

[anthony]

I believe what my darling and beautiful partner is trying to say is; how does she manage her own stress in order for it not to impact upon me!

The reason for this is that whilst I can handle ups and downs by themselves, Nic has been under a lot of stress lately from her company. Some of this she has control over though has not managed herself effectively, some she does not have control over and is not her fault, which I support her through. Basically, she is stressed and is really asking what those who suffer PTSD have to learn also, stress management, control of ourselves and our lifestyles, accepting what we do and do not own. Whilst the whole Kerrie issue has caused me a deal of stress recently at times, Nic's added stress has thrown me over the edge at times, though basically made me quite cranky for the majority of the time at present.

I have the capacity to support Nic for short durations, ie. week or two of high stress without falling over myself, however; longevity makes me quite ill still regardless what I know and have healed my self.

Background always helps IMHO to answer these questions.

My own recommendations to Nic yesterday is that she must manage herself more effectively otherwise it impacts me, which then I become cranky and nasty, which reflects to her, which makes her more stressed and ill; the cycle becomes nasty. How to break the chain is the ultimate question I believe. When all this occurs I become quite ill, to the point where suicidal ideation re-enters my mind. Me being ill then stresses Nic further, making her extremely worried about me, and so the cycle continues.

Yes, I have my part in this being to manage myself. She will not be in a relationship of abuse, I will not be in a relationship of constant stress which makes me emotionally abuse anyone period. Its a two fold effect where what I have always stated; both sufferer and carer must at all times control their parts of stress management so the relationship can function without any emotional abuse what so ever.

 

[becvan]

Nic, this is a tough one.

I know what I attempt to do at home with Matt. Perhaps some ideas will bloom from there.

I try to prioritize my stress. That may sound crazy but it's really helpful. I ask myself, can I stress about this later? I shove it off if I can till I'm alone or it's more appropriate.

I will remove myself from the room. If I'm overwhelmed and it's about to spill over, I leave and go where I can be alone. If I need to cry, I cry. Shoot em up video's, whatever works for that moment to get back in control.

What is in my control that is stressing me? I try to find what the answer is to that. Then I break it down into steps for fixing it. Say.. I owe a bill but I am very short on cash. I will pay 10 bucks a month until it's paid. That way, I have a plan to fix it, even though it's going to take time. If they are suing me in the meantime, well that is out of my control. I just focus on my plan instead of the company's actions. (I know this sounds simple.. but when it piles up simple works well.)

I do something nice for myself. I buy this outrageous cost creamer for my coffee. It's my treat. I get to have it every morning. So with my first cup I already did something nice for myself that day (then I don't feel bad about not doing other nice things for myself later, or stressing about finances and cost cutting.. lol)

I think the big key is understanding what you do have control over and what you don't. Then taking care of what you can control and treating yourself well. Some of this works now, some over the long haul.

It's very difficult to shield someone from our stress. It affects us and therefore affects those that live with us. The best policy is trying to take care of ourselves first.

bec

 

[Nicolette]

Thanks for your ideas Jim, Jen and Bec.

Since Anthony believes that background is important..... I would also like to say that the situation with Kerrie and the boys causes me a lot of stress as not only do I see what it does to Anthony but I feel it impact on our life due to all the control and manipulation. While Anthony says this is his problem it does effect our life and therefore me.

My stress is not only work related.

 

[anthony]

True my dear, very true. It does impact you and I do already recognise that though and understand it. Kerrie is a manipulative nasty person, and things have only gotten worse since separation then meeting you, in her eyes that is. I want to see my children, yet she will not allow me too unless supervised by her. Not exactly feasible for us to move forward as my kids are part of my life as are you part of my life. What did my brother say.... emotional pain is a tough one, or something like that.

 

[Jen]

Hang in there you two!
You seem to be having a loving and understanding relationship regardless of whats getting thrown at you. There has to be a light at the end of this long tunnel?

 

[FreedomO2]

My stress, has a major impact on my wife who has complex PTSD. We work together too, which makes it even more difficult. We sit in meetings together and she sees whats bothering me. I come home and sometimes my mind is still going, and again, her sensitive part sees that and reacts. And like Anthony said, there is a frame , like a 1-2 week frame with a certain volume of stress, which she can cope with. But that frame sometimes is smaller, sometimes is larger. Very hard for me to predict. And once it spills over.... well you know. It takes a while to get life back into that frame of coping and safety. Sometimes it takes very long.

I need to learn to monitor my stress better. I am an outward processor, I need to talk, I like to talk about, which helps me to decrease the stress. But my wife is only to a certain point the right person for that. That's hard for me. Cause I want her to hear me, to learn about me, to know me. For me, that is my love language: listening to me.
But if that causes too much stress for her... I am trapped.

Harry

 

[ryair]

My Dear Carers,
You cannot "turn off" your own personal stress. If you are stressed, you have the right to feel it, own it, cope with it in your own personal way.
In doing this, we often wish to turn to our loved ones, a perfectly natural thing to do. However, our loved ones cannot cope with our stress added to theirs.
My recommendation is this; Develop a group of family or friends who you can go to to let off steam (this site is fantastic for that!!).
When you have talked it out with friends, it reduces your stress levels. You can then decide if it really is something you wish to talk calmly about to your PTSD sufferer, or if it is something best left unsaid.
The end result is that you have looked after yourself mentally and emotionally, and in doing that, have cared for your loved one.
Stress levels for carers is always going to be high, and our sufferers get more stressed just knowing we are so stressed. I urge you to find a way to release the tension of your stress by any way that works for you(talking to others,working out,writing your thoughts down, etc...) so that your own health is protected, and a potentially bad cycle of stress in your relationship is halted.
Remember, our loved ones sometimes rely quite heavily on us being "A Rock" for them. Take care of yourself well, and you are more able to cope with insulating your PTSD loved one from your everyday stress.
There is nothing worse than feeling like you are trapped with no-one to turn to because you have kept quiet so as not to hurt your loved one.
I definately recommend our private carers section for non judgemental venting!!!! Get it all out there, and get up and leave the computer in a better frame of mind! :Hug_emoticon:
Take care, and big hugs to you all!!
Ryair xxxxxxxxxx

 

[Jen]

Thanks Ryair very good words!
Got me thinking!:thumbs-up

 

[FreedomO2]

Very good indeed. Thanks Ryair.