When "fight Or Flight" Goes Bad....

[Woof]

So...yet one more trip to see the trauma lady...

Had a wee bit of an anxiety thing happening. Fumbled and bumbled my way thru the session and towards the end she says: "Next week, think to yourself....I am going here by my own choice, I can leave anytime I choose...just by walking out the door"

It dawned on me....In regard to the fight or flight response....I tend to freeze....Fully prepared to "fight", but no ability to "flight". I absolutely will eat a ration of shit, suffer immeasurably and fight tooth-n-toenail....but I will NOT walk out.

And I said as much! To which she asked, "Why?"

"Because I had to sit for hours and hours and hours for months and months and months....with NO option to get up and walk out. I had to sit in one place and take everything thrown at me, fear, humiliation, confrontation what ever...I ATE IT"

"You realize that is not the case now, don't you?"

"Yes, I 'get that'....but my body doesn't! I can talk shit, and be animated, converse with you, banter...what ever it takes...but my legs are numb...I WILL NOT WALK OUT"

"Do you think that might be the source of your anxiety right now?"
(could she have asked more dumb question)

"Obviously! You don't understand what it was like to sit there hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after year....I am capable of enormous suffering and will not make one effort to move."

"Did you ever try to run?"

"Twice...I was brought back each time"

It was, to me....an amazing revelation. I really can take an incredible amount of discomfort (suffering) for an amazing amount of time.....Because the "Flight Response" is so jacked up.

It dove tails into her other question; "What would you like to do if you were not in torment?".....

I honestly do not know....I have never been able to run away from it.

 

[novemberDark]

You don't ever deserve torment, its everybody's birth right !.

Reversed pshychology really works, if only I could figure out to do that on myself more (without a sounding board).

To bad we perceive 2 dimentional and in radius, are pack huminals and have only the rational mind available in interaction.

 

[Woof]

@novemberDark I don't follow....where is the reverse psychology?

If indeed there is "reverse psychology"....I don't appreciate it....I would much rather her take the time, be up front and blunt with me....oddly enuff, I can take the honest, straight forward approach

 

[novemberDark]

I could be wrong, it is something that works for me in a positive way iterates ++ maybey my whishful thinking, not detinating anything here.

 

[scout86]

"Do you think that might be the source of your anxiety right now?"

Woof, I don't think that was a dumb question as much as it was her, trying to make sure you KNEW what was going on. My T asks stuff like that all the time, kind of just checking. A lot of the time, I already know it. Sometimes I end up with "Wow, I never thought of that before." If he doesn't ask me what I know, how will he know?

I THINK what she's trying to get you to see is that you have choices NOW. Yes, you didn't in the past. Yes, that was terrible. But, NOW you don't actually have to feel that way because NOW you have the potential to leave. And you really do. Yes, I get that you freeze and all that. The point is, nothing bad will happen if you walk out. YOU are now in control of the situation, no one else. Maybe a thing to work on is "what will it take to get you past freezing, to where your body will cooperate in giving you the freedom to leave when you want to?"

You know, the only way I walked in to my therapist's office the first time was by telling myself that I'm an adult, I have choices, I can say "F you!" and leave anytime I want to. I do that in a LOT of situations. (Tell myself that, not walk out. LOL) It's been a very valuable tool.

Her last question is a good one too. (It's also pretty similar to what I get asked periodically.) I guess this kind of varies depending on what you see as the purpose of therapy. The guy I work with is pretty geared towards dealing with how my life is working now, and in the future. The past is a factor in that, for sure. But, we haven't been spending as much time figuring out how bad things were in the past, as how to make things work better now. A part of that is seeing how the ways I experienced things in the past still have an influence. Once I see that, I can make a choice about whether or not I still want them to have the same influence. A lot of things that were an attempt to adapt and survive, in the past, are no longer useful. That doesn't take anything away from those experiences, deny them or minimize them. It just focuses my efforts on improving the things I actually have the ability to change.

 

[arfie]

When I was in the Army, I went jack-a-lope hunting with some barracks buddies. In this sport, we tore up a neighboring field trying to trap jack rabbits in our headlights. They would freeze every time. The freeze-flight-fight reflex in living color. I was quite impressed with the range of responses from the rabbits. Some broke the freeze and took to flight almost immediately. Some would stay frozen even after the lights were turned off. I had to get out of the car and nudge one baby bunny with my toe to get it jump started. (note: no bunnies were harmed in this sport. Not physically, anyway. We may have given birth to jack-a-lope therapy, though. :()

Anyhoo... Guess I am just trying to illustrate that the freeze-flight-fight instinct is extremely unpredictable. Your therapist might be seeing something important. She sounds insightful.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I could be wrong, but I think what novemberdark was trying to say is that it sounds like your T does what a T should do during sessions. That is, integrate your current emotions with what happened to you. You know, trauma work.

I find that my T does that and I love her for it. She is very keen to the inter workings of the subconscious. Sometimes I go in there totally freaking out about stuff. She knows me so well and remembers everything that I say. As I'm sharing with her my present struggles, she finds a way to connect it to my past trauma without actually literally saying it and she does it in such a way that it doesn't minimize my present struggle. It lets my conscious mind know that my current struggle is really there but that it's being also colored by my past trauma.

She gently takes me in and out to help me free up the space that I need to find a solution to my current struggle by both bringing up the past and asking me questions. It's pretty magnificent actually.

 

[Barconian]

Woof! You are doing good!