When He Says 'i Love You..'

[InvisibleSun]

(This is going to be really long..my apologies.)

I've never met my father before. For my entire life I never had any contact with him until this past October when his stepdaughter found me on facebook and we reconnected. It was amazing and I rode the high for a little while, but when I crashed, I hit hard (like I always do) and it's been difficult ever since then. Him coming back into my life was the main catalyst for the relapse of my PTSD. And this has been a complete mind f*ck in every possible way.

When the initial happiness faded, I was flooded with some of the most intense negative emotions I have ever experienced. My whole life kind of just flashed before me and all of these memories came with it..and the cycle began again. I'm slowly starting to regain control and stability, but am still struggling to process my emotions about this situation.

I love him..I know I do. Whenever I hear his voice, the little girl inside of me comes alive and I feel complete. I'm so much like him..I can see my face in his. I can feel his biological connection to me and I want him in my life.
But whenever he says he loves me, I just feel like it's a lie..and I'm afraid to become attached. I don't understand how he can say he loves me. I literally cannot understand..How can you love someone you never cared to see..never cared to know..a child you just left to die.. How is that love?! When he says 'I love you' I feel insulted. And f*cking angry..
As much as I love him, I think I may hate him even more. I hate him for the pain he caused me by being a piece of shit dad when I was a kid, and I hate him for the upheaval and confusion his presence has caused me now. For so long I always tried to suppress these emotions. I always tried to pretend that his absence didn't effect me..but now I can't pretend anymore and it's overwhelming me...

I have not met him in person and my anger is making that really difficult for me to do. I cannot begin to describe the anger he invokes in me. However, all eyes are on me now as to how I'm going to handle this situation and what I'm going to do next, so I feel a lot of pressure to take the next step in starting a relationship. I feel like I'm stalling or something. But I'm not...I'm just really overwhelmed. I don't know what to say..I don't even know what I would do if I saw him. I might give him a hug..I might punch him in the face. I feel like a bomb getting ready to explode. But I also feel like I'm wasting time or that I'm taking too long..this is just so incredibly difficult for me..

I have no idea what to do..I'm so afraid to love him..and so angry that I have to feel that way. All I ever wanted was for my dad to love me, but now I don't know how to accept that same love..

I just don't know what to do...

 

[Saint Nik]

Do nothing! Not yet! Right now you are in a complete emotional storm and feelings have arisen and you need to work them out first. You can't establish anything when you feel so confused, so wound up and so angry. The only way this will work is when you are calm and feel a little more at peace and not expecting anything. No demands can be made at all!

I know all of this what you are going through. We share a very similar story indeed and I know what I am talking about. I would do nothing. . .and believe me, when you take that advice, you will notice an urge inside you when the time is exactly right to either be in contact with him or visit him. . .it will feel natural. If not? Then that is okay too. . .it may take you longer to get through these feelings of resent, anger, hurt, disappointment, the broken heart, abandonment you have went through!

Give yourself time! Do not rush anything. These feelings have came up now because you are ready to face them and deal with them. You do not have to work it out or figure it out at all. All you have to do is let yourself feel these feelings until they exhaust themselves and once you have did that without identifying and analysing your thoughts about these feelings, that's when I have found answers on what to do come to me!

Hope that helps. Please just have compassion with yourself that you are hurting and emotions are rising inside of you and are very raw. It's just you are ready to deal with your past with your dad now. This is progress :)

 

[Tinyflame]

@InvisibleSun , I think that's normal to feel that way. I think I would tell him what you said here. Because 'love' is actions as well as words, & love does not= abandonment. That being said he likely had his own 'stuff'. But without you knowing that (or him telling you), naturally you would feel about it that way. I don't think it's helpful to blame him necessarily for what followed long term (just not helpful for you), but it's ok to feel whatever you feel. And choose whatever you want. He has no right to your choice, or the timing of it, you are not obligated to his requests of you.

Best wishes. :hug:

 

[InvisibleSun]

You do not have to work it out or figure it out at all. All you have to do is let yourself feel these feelings until they exhaust themselves and once you have did that without identifying and analysing your thoughts about these feelings, that's when I have found answers on what to do come to me!

Exactly...this has been so overwhelming emotionally, but very healthy for me in a sense because I've been forced to really face these difficult feelings and now I finally have the opprotunity to get the answers that I've so desperately needed. I want to be able to address this situation with the respect and sensitivity that it deserves and I can't do that if I'm thinking solely with my emotions and not rational thought. Time..I just need more time...

That being said he likely had his own 'stuff'. But without you knowing that (or him telling you), naturally you would feel about it that way.

I know..and I try to be understanding..this is hard on him too. I hear the pain and regret in his voice..I just need to get a better grip on my emotions before I can wrap my head around whatever his reasons may be. I need to let the anger fade away a little bit.

Thanks for the replies everyone! This has been such a crazy time for me, but I know in the end that this is such a blessing. You're support and advice has been so helpful! :happy: