General When is enough enough, how can I save him from himself?

[Whatdoido]

I’m being really serious with this question - at what point should you step in to save your partners life?

He has had PTSD since 2020, was in therapy for most of 2022, tried to kill himself in December 2022. Had a break from therapy because she was messing him up more. started with a Clinical Psychologist in May 2023 - I thought he was losing his mind literally throughout the summer, drinking, taking drugs, disappearing - so many bizarre incidents I couldn’t list them. I emailed his Psychologist and said I’m worried that he needs more help. She chatted to him and they both decided just to continue with the once a week sessions. Between September and December 2023, we agreed he needed space, so whilst I work from home during the day, I spent the evenings and nights at my parents.

Fast forward to now…it turns out he has been drinking excessively - a bottle of whiskey a day…I’ve found tens and tens and tens of empty bottles of wine, and whiskey bottles.

At what point is enough enough?

We’ve been together 11 years, this is not him. He’s hitting rock bottom more and more…what do I do to save his life?

 

[Sweetpea76]

The hardest part of being a supporter is accepting you are powerless to help or fix. You cannot save his life if he doesn’t want it to be saved. You cannot make him get treatment, comply with treatment plans, or take his medication. You cannot love him better. You cannot stop him from being self destructive, abusing substances, or taking off.

HE has to want to get better and take the steps to work towards that on his own. As a supporter you’re just along for the ride… sometimes in the backseat of a burning vehicle with nobody at the wheel.

All you can productively do is be consistent. Respect his boundaries and let him know he is loved and supported. Take care of practical matters (food, bills, misc. life), and be vigilant. If he is danger to himself contact the authorities. Otherwise take care of your own mental health and set your own boundaries. Don’t let him take you down with him.

 

[Whatdoido]

Problem is, he’s already brought me down. He’s taken all my money and because of the stress my business is nearly ruined limiting my income any time soon. So what do I do…I leave him and move back to my parents for a while, meanwhile, all the bills continue to stack up on him, the electric is cut off, the bailiffs turn up and the house taken off him….and now he’s homeless, an alcoholic and struggling with ptsd.

 

[arfie]

at what point should you step in to save your partners life?

i'm just a patient here, butt my partner helps me best when he takes off his rescue ranger cape and lets me trust my therapy network. yes, hon, i know your net's faster and more connected, butttttttt? ? ? is it possible for you to trust me in my clumsy flailing?

 

[LuckiLee]

My question for you is when do you step in and save your own life?

He's a grown man making his own choices. Maybe he needs to hit rock bottom??

Edit. I stepped in when I found my guy in the middle of the night with a noose. WE called the suicide hot line and he was in treatment the next day. I leave his medical treatment to the professionals.

 

[Sweetpea76]

is, he’s already brought me down. He’s taken all my money and because of the stress my business is nearly ruined limiting my income any time soon.

That’s when he would lose access to my income. He doesn’t get to burn the place down around everybody’s heads. Get a separate bank account to deposit your money and pay the bills. He lost access to big-boy decisions if he is being an ass.

now he’s homeless, an alcoholic and struggling with ptsd.

He is also a grown ass adult. Actions and behaviors have consequences, and he should have learned that as a child.

 

[Charbella]

now he’s homeless, an alcoholic and struggling with ptsd.

It isn’t this simple of an equation. He has PTSD he isn’t a child or someone who has the functioning skills of one.

He chose not to take your help, he chose not to take anyone else’s help, he’s choosing to spend his money on alcohol instead of bills. If he becomes homeless he chose homelessness over getting help. Some people truly have no resources and in the absence of hope they become homeless. You have been trying for a long time to help your guy. Maybe start small and force him to make some really hard decisions. Maybe no alcohol or I move out, you have a certain amount of time and then I stop paying bills. I think the position you’re in has got to be the hardest, you love some one and you can’t save them from their selves.

 

[Sweetpea76]

When one grows up with CPTSD, they have no parental figure who is good to them on a consistent basis.

Not all PTSD is a result of childhood trauma.

If he is actively taking drugs and drinking, he is not in a place to address his CPTSD

He is making the chose to abuse substances instead of addressing his mental health.

From a supporter perspective it is important not to consistently excuse shit behavior because XYZ. There are choices at play. Abusing substances is a coping mechanism, not a symptom… Likewise with other self destructive behaviors (i.e. lying, cheating, financial irresponsibility). It’s the same with lashing out or ghosting. Those may be reactions to symptoms, but they’re not being forced to do any of those things. Personal accountability is a thing, even with addiction or mental illness.

 

[Charbella]

If he is actively taking drugs and drinking, he is not in a place to address his CPTSD. Most likely, he is subconsciously testing you. When one grows up with CPTSD, they have no parental figure who is good to them on a consistent basis. Love becomes scarce. When there abuser shows them "love" it never lasts and is conditional of something the child can give them. As an adult, the person believes in the norm and the exception. Most people normally love other people with the occasional anger and hurt. The Norm becomes love and the Exception is anger and hurt. For a CPTSD person, the norm is anger & hurt and the exception is LOVE. He doesn't believe your love is the Norm and must be the Exception. He will provoke you, no matter how much you do for him, to test if you really love him. When out of sheer frustration you get upset, he tells himself, "See if knew Anger with the Norm with her and not the exception:.

You say this like I don’t know what I’m talking about. I get it’s not easy, I’m not a supporter, I’m a sufferer but as @Sweetpea76 said having PTSD or CPTSD cant be an excuse to treat people like crap (especially those who are willing to help) and not be held accountable. It might mean needing understanding. It means having a supporter is nice but eventually you have to decide to either seek help and get better or live with the consequences of your actions. Some of us live without a supporter. No safety net to fall into. @whatdoido is allowed to have boundaries. She didn’t cause his PTSD.

 

[Friday]

I’m being really serious with this question - at what point should you step in to save your partners life?

When their life is in danger.

IE dial 911 / 999 / ###. Whatever the police/EMS number is, in your country.

That OFTEN, more often than not, ends a relationship. So you have to be really certain. AND believe that their living is more important that being loved, by them. A lot of people? Wouldn’t call 911/999/### if they know it will end their relationship. A lot of people? Would, because the life of the person they love is worth more to them. Hard line to dance, I know.

 

[Flying Dove]

The hardest part of being a supporter is accepting you are powerless to help or fix. You cannot save his life if he doesn’t want it to be saved. You cannot make him get treatment, comply with treatment plans, or take his medication. You cannot love him better. You cannot stop him from being self destructive, abusing substances, or taking off.

HE has to want to get better and take the steps to work towards that on his own. As a supporter you’re just along for the ride… sometimes in the backseat of a burning vehicle with nobody at the wheel.

All you can productively do is be consistent. Respect his boundaries and let him know he is loved and supported. Take care of practical matters (food, bills, misc. life), and be vigilant. If he is danger to himself contact the authorities. Otherwise take care of your own mental health and set your own boundaries. Don’t let him take you down with him.

Do not repeat my history. My first husband died in 11/12. He was a porn addict had type 2 diabetes myelodysplastic syndrome was a hoarder peter pan syndrome. I was working then- RN. I wore myself down to exhaustion like a good little codependent. May 7 2014 admitted for bacterial meningitis brain abcess left temporal lobe. Life changing event-for the better now. But not everyone can get their life back. You are number one you count you matter. No one will save you but you. I fear the consequences of your SO behavior addiction etc are playing out and cannot be stopped

 

[Freida]

The only person who can save us is us.
There comes a day when we look in the mirror and admit we need help.
There's no way to speed that date up, or make the process easier
The alcohol and drug route is easier because it numbs the pain and keeps us from seeing the damage we are doing to ourselves and those around us.

For me it was waking up in the middle of the night in my kitchen armed with a knife, and I had no idea what I was going to do with it. I just knew I needed to fight for my life. That scared the shit out of me because I realized in that moment I could have actually hurt hubby. That was when I finally called the VA crisis line for help.

But even after that aha moment comes and we start therapy things usually get much, much worse because then we have to face our demons and try to beat them into submission. Ya -that sucks

My t once told me that no one can be held responsible for the decisions made by another adult. Hubby could love me and support me but my choices were my own - especially the bad ones.
I had to accept it was up to me to decide and then I had to live with those choices.

You can't save someone who doesn't want to decide to be saved.