Lately I've done a lot of thinking about my past and current life and sadly they are similar. As a child I was subjected to emotional, physical and sexual abuse. On the outside, we had the normal looking family but on the inside it was unpredictable, filled with anger, blamed for things I did not do and as a result got punished all the time. Even in front of my friends. I didn't like being home and always attached myself with other families. My mother chose to ignore it, not protect me even though she witnessed it all. I never felt safe and developed negative coping strategies because that's all I knew how to do. Speaking up only brought more abuse.
Fast forward to my life now. Married 23 years with one daughter. I hoped my family would be different and in a lot of ways it is. But there are a lot of ways it isn't. The three of us never went on vacations or spent any time together because my husband and daughter rarely get along and I've been in the middle of that for years feeling like I have to pick one over the other. My needs, especially being listened to and valued don't exist. I've allowed myself to be treated like I am less and my feelings and emotions don't matter. I feel like my values and decisions are not the same as my husband's. And it breaks my heart. I don't think I can try and be someone in not and I'm tired.
I'm tired of explaining myself only to be misunderstood, tired of working so he can spend it on his hobbies leaving me with nothing. I feel used and here for everyone's convince and it's terrifying.
Fast forward to my life now. Married 23 years with one daughter. I hoped my family would be different and in a lot of ways it is. But there are a lot of ways it isn't. The three of us never went on vacations or spent any time together because my husband and daughter rarely get along and I've been in the middle of that for years feeling like I have to pick one over the other. My needs, especially being listened to and valued don't exist. I've allowed myself to be treated like I am less and my feelings and emotions don't matter. I feel like my values and decisions are not the same as my husband's. And it breaks my heart. I don't think I can try and be someone in not and I'm tired.
I'm tired of explaining myself only to be misunderstood, tired of working so he can spend it on his hobbies leaving me with nothing. I feel used and here for everyone's convince and it's terrifying.
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