Relationship When Should I Make Contact?

[JM318]

My boyfriend of 2.5 years had a breakdown on 7/17/16, I have never seen him like that before. He was diagnosed with PTSD in 9/2016, we broke up for 6 months and got back together, only to see his symptoms to progress worse. In a way, I know he needed to hit rock bottom to finally get help. He started therapy on 7/26/16 and I know he was anxious to see progression and he was really worked up the past month. He says hes unsure about everything in his life except his job and he also said he wanted to initiate therapy alone. So I have given him space and he reassured me that "nothing I do goes unnoticed" and he knows that I see the better side of him. It's hard for me lately knowing its been a few weeks and he hasn't even reached out to me just to say "hello" or anything at all. I see him on social media and he seems to be okay, but he hides how he really feels to the world (obviously) but I think its because he wants to feel normal (obviously again). I try to tell myself to be patient because I know therapy is going to get hard before it gets easier, so 3 weeks of no contact is nothing compared to this roller coaster I'm about to get on with him.

I just want advice to see if I should reach out, I don't want to bring up therapy or PTSD, just to say hello and try to have casual conversation. He told me recently he cant stand how me and Mom constantly "nag"... "How's things going?" "How are you feeling?"... He pretty much doesn't want us to throw it in his face even though we didn't mean to, we just care. He just wants to see PROGRESS. Does anyone think its a bad idea to reach out to say hello? Or should I just leave that up to him to do? Sometimes I feel like he is scared to, because he feels guilty for dragging me into all this. I am going to my second therapy session tonight and I'm hoping it will help calm my nerves for a while. Thanks.

Joanna xox

 

[WillyKat]

That's a legitimate and agonizing question, to which there may not be a right answer. Most options you mention are of course well intended, but no option may work right now, even the option of doing nothing might not work. My first bit of advice, worth exactly 2 cents, is to know it isn't about you doing the wrong thing. Even a simple "Hi" may not work.

We can be really difficult to deal with when we're neck deep in finding out just what we're up against. We get to the point where there is a constant state of war in our heads, and any human interaction interrupts that focus. We react out of fear that being distracted from our war will allow the demons in over the walls. We can be torn in half, one half hoping for salvation from someone and the other half fearing exactly that.

Consider the possibility that both of you may think the situation depends entirely on you, meaning you think its all on you and he may think its all on him. Sucks.

But if you feel that you must say something, your instinct to keep it light and some distance away from his inner stuff seems the best option to me.

Lastly, bless you for caring about him so much. Over time, that will matter to him a lot, I think.

 

[Silver.]

It's hard for me to garner information proper, because the dates seem off. (as in he was diagnosed with ptsd on a date that hasn't happened yet), regardless...
Three weeks of no contact is unacceptable. People are not meant to live their lives on hold because someone doesn't have an ounce of decency to at least send a text saying anything. If it were me, I would drop him a line, tell him that you understand he needs time to sort some things out but you need to at least hear from him in some capacity (a "hi", an "I am okay", that kind of thing), this is you setting boundaries as to what is acceptable and what is not, and then go from there. (just another two cents of advice here)

 

[JM318]

It's hard for me to garner information proper, because the dates seem off. (as in he was diagnosed with...

I apologize, 9/2015*****
I do want to set those boundaries but since therapy is SO SO SO brand new I don't want to push more and push him away. I kind of want to let things settle before we have "that talk". He can't handle relationship stuff because he can't even understand himself right now. Like I said he had his break down on 7/17/16, we talked a few days later briefly through text and he told me he is having a difficult time figuring out where he is altogether and his constant anger and negativity in his head is killing him from the inside out. I gave him encouraging words, then on Saturday night we were at our friends house (we came separately), and we had a talk once everyone left at 4 am. I let him do most of the talking in the beginning and then added my insight. He said "I love you for sticking around" and he sounded defeated almost. I haven't talked to him since 7/25/16. I'm just stuck on whether or not I want to reach out. I don't want to make him overwhelmed because hes going through a lot at the moment.

 

[Seasounds]

The above posts offer good thoughts to consider.

You're assessment that he may not be in a good spot to deal with relational concerns is probably right on.

From my experience with a partner who finished treatment, I was important for me to learn to support his recovery and engage in the relationship in a healthier way, by respecting the boundaries he wanted, (i.e. if he didn't return a communication, I would not initiate a second contact) and I needed to learn to stop managing, and asking him, about his symptoms.

This was the way to stop being called a nag. I needed to understand that if my mate couldn't respond or initiate contact, that they were already giving me the information that they weren't ready for a healthier relationship. Therefore, there was no need for me to have any intense conversations.

I know it can be hard to do let a person you care about live their life the way they want. However, when doing so, you are allowing them the autonomy of an adult, for which they will appreciate you, for that gift. It frees you up to put the focus on other things in your life. And, for me, I needed to trust that if an emergency were to occur, to let 911 step in.

Sometimes the only thing a person doesn't have, is a friend who lets them be who they are. Care can be acceptance.

 

[JM318]

The above posts offer good thoughts to consider.

From my experience with a partner who finished treatm...

Thank you Vandya and you are right. I want to do whatever is best for him right now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I consider giving my vet the space he needs a loving act. It's the gift of understanding and not getting upset about it.

Once I figured that out, things got a lot easier for me.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'd avoid just a "hi"-------its anxiety provoking.

Maybe send something with a clearly neutral subject.

"Oh my gosh did you see the sunset? It's incredible!"

It gives an opening into something non-stressful to respond to.

 

[Endure]

I can't tell you what to do, because I think I've been so bad and screwed this up myself! lol
What I am doing is following the advise so many have given me when you have a breakup and you have no idea if you will ever hear from them again. That is to take care of myself. I have decided to find meaning in what has happened. I am immersing myself in local volunteer work with a veterans group and a charter school that serves the kids who do not have plans for college. It makes me feel better and gives me something else to focus on. I am determined to turn this all into a positive.

 

[JM318]

Thanks everyone for your words. I saw my therapist last night and she told me it was best to leave him alone for a while and that he knew how to get a hold of me when he is ready. She said to leave it up to him because anything else would stress him out in such a difficult time. And she also told me that the start of therapy will bring out a lot and most likely things will get worse before they get better. So at least I am prepared for that.

Tonight is "Night of Fire"- it's a really cool show put on at the speedway with trucks that have jet engines- it's amazing to see! We went last year. A friend posted on Facebook to see if anyone wanted to go, and my veteran and I had talked about going again. I think he is going tonight, so I had to tell our mutual friends that "I'm sitting this one out, have a good time". No one knows that we haven't been talking because he doesn't want anyone to know what he's going through and I am respecting that.

Endure---
Good for you! I am doing an informative speech in my public speaking class on combat PTSD and my therapist said it is good for me to share my knowledge to others as well as get into volunteer work. Unfortunately, the VA hospital close to me is only open until 5 pm and referred me to the clinic where my veteran goes, and I would feel uneasy if I happened to bump into him there.

On another note, here's to positive vibes - today WILL be a good day!

Joanna
xox

 

[JM318]

I consider giving my vet the space he needs a loving act. It's the gift of understanding and not get...

Very true, I will keep this in mind. Thank you :)

 

[JM318]

How's everyone doing today? Still no word from my vet, its been over 3 weeks. I'm hoping to hear from him soon, but not counting on it. I just hope he cares enough to say hello and that he's doing alright. Being in the dark is hard.