When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.

[FMCA]

Often I hear this being said but I think people take it too far. If you’ve known someone for decades and do one thing wrong which is out of character for you when you’ve already spent decades showing you who they are so why cut them off?

It seems a pretty extreme thing to do. Maybe they weren’t bothered in the first place.

What are peoples thoughts on this?

 

[whiteraven]

If you’ve known someone for decades and do one thing wrong which is out of character for you when you’ve already spent decades showing you who they are so why cut them off?

Hm...well. It depends. If I marry someone who presents as loving and caring, and later in the relationship he snaps one day and beats me to a pulp, he's pretty much out the door. And it happens.

Lots of folks need permission (which comes about in a variety of ways) to be the asshole they truly are. We spend our lives pretending.

 

[Movingforward10]

If you’ve known someone for decades and do one thing wrong which is out of character for you when you’ve already spent decades showing you who they are so why cut them off?

I agree it depends. Depends on what the wrong thing is and whether that's a deal breaker for the other person.
Like, if my partner cheated on me after years of monogamy. Would I be able to get past that or not? I honestly don't know.

I think it's way more likely that we put up with bad behaviour and dismiss it or think we can fix it. That we don't see people for the people they are and we explain away all the bad bits.

I also think that if this is the narrative someone else is giving, I question it. For example, my mum's narrative about me is that I am cold and uncaring. She will no doubt tell people about all my badness and people will think "gosh, what an awful daughter, leaving her elderly mother who has just lost her husband". But there are always more sides to the story. So I take what people say about others with a pinch of salt.

Is there something specific that has happened?

 

[FMCA]

About 3 months after the attack on January, I was in a right mess and I asked two friends if they could lend me some money. I was still waiting for benefit payments from august 2024.

On hindsight it was because I didn’t feel worthy of help or imposing on anyone so I asked for practical help, the logic being I would pay them back and wouldn’t be a hassle to anyone.

I also didn’t want one of them to know what had happened.and she tried to help me, not with money

The second friend, did respond once and said don’t worry about it after I apologised and she is a trustworthy friend so I told her then what had happened.

It just seems harmful to me to cut people off without asking why they have just done something upsetting when it’s definitely not something I’d ever done. I’d always kept their confidences and been a good friend

I was at the end of my tether when it happened because I didn’t have anyone to turn to for any support. I had two people who I only had phone contact with

 

[Movingforward10]

It just seems harmful to me to cut people off without asking why they have just done something upsetting when it’s definitely not something I’d ever done. I’d always kept their confidences and been a good friend

I might be misunderstanding, FMCA, apologies. Are you saying that you asked a couple of friends for money when you were in a tight spot and they have now not been your friends as a result?
I would say that asking for money when you need a bit of help, isn't a bad thing?
Do you want to know what happened with the friendships by asking them or is that not possible?