When Suicide Becomes Justified

[joeylittle]

I think people understand, @Scarface.

what I'm going through is even worse than BDD, because my detect is real and obvious and people will comment on it, unlike the typical BDD case. Add to that the PTSD, depression, and anxiety and there is a serious recipe for disaster.

Which is why you need to do actual PTSD treatment.

I'm harping on it because it's something you can do. Oftentimes, I would kill for something I could do. And if it were right in front of me and I wasn't seeing it, I would want people to tell me what I wasn't seeing.

I believe in euthanasia. But you are nowhere near there - you have fight left in you. Why won't you engage with the idea of getting PE or EMDR? I really am curious. What are you afraid of?

 

[Chava]

unlike the typical BDD case. Add to that the PTSD, depression, and anxiety and there is a serious recipe for disaster.

It's a lot and surely overwhelming, I can understand that. I was battling trauma, anorexia, alcoholism, self harm, and depression (suicidal)...also didn't know how to connect with anyone or ask for help, so it seemed impossible. A doctor even told my parents to prepare to bury me (well, he was a dumbshit). Anyway, you target what is most urgent, or what you can work on now, and the other parts actually become easier too, because it's all related. But then you can also find ways to work with the other pieces. Given what you've been through, trauma therapy seems like a good starting point. It is a lot that you have to struggle with, and can understandably feel like way too much, but it is not too much to treat. Start with seriously considering trauma therapy and go from there.

 

[Justmehere]

I guess one thing I feel as though no one understands is that I'm suffering from a form of body dysmorphia (so I've been told), which is extremely debilitating and hard to treat.

It is debilitating. I hear ya on that. I have been reading about how much it is limiting your life. You went from living such a full and active life before, and now, you almost never even leave your home. That is a huge change, all the way around. BDD (and the other disorders, on top of the loss of what you used to look like) have really had a huge impact on your daily life, your relationships, even your plans for the future. It is very difficult to get through treatment. There are some very effective treatments out there, and the treatment involves a hella lot of hard work. Sometimes treatment for some of these kinds of conditions that can develop from the physical and emotional consequences of trauma can feel like really walking through the fire of the worst feelings that a sufferer has.

However, what I'm going through is even worse than BDD, because my detect is real and obvious and people will comment on it, unlike the typical BDD case.

I don't have BDD, and what I know of it is through a friend of mine who has BDD along with several other diagnoses. I can imagine a little of how people making comments would FUEL it to be even worse. When she describes herself, I struggle to understand how she sees what she sees in her own body... I just don't see it. Yes, she has real problems with her body that are clear, but I don't see it like she does, and it's so painful for her. Then people make comments to her now and then, and my goodness, they do really fuel the BDD to be even worse. It is a triple whammy to have a real disfigurement, BDD, and then to have to deal with people making any comments, taking any notice at all. It can feel like the worst fears are coming true for someone with BDD for anyone to even comment at all.

With my friend, when her BDD was really bad, it's like my words themselves would go through the BDD filter, and to her, it's like I'm saying different words than I'm actually saying. I would try to encourage her, and she would only be in even more anguish and pain. It broke my heart. It was like she was in an isolating hell. It was like a prison for her, and all I wanted to do was break her out of it...

But yeah, I hear ya, or I am trying to understand, about how bad this is in the middle of it, enduring all of this.

Add to that the PTSD, depression, and anxiety and there is a serious recipe for disaster. Plus I loved my face and body before this horrible accident, so it makes it an even bigger loss.

It is a significant loss to grieve. :hug:

My friend who had some of the same combo of disorders, she actually did get to the point of having to be hospitalized. She engaged in some really unhealthy ways of trying to cope with all the pain and suffering she was in. The loss of hope for the future was really hard. She had panic attacks often too. Frankly, they gave her a really bad prognosis when she was first hospitalized...

It's been three years since then. She is now free of the BDD and working as a full time teacher. This is a public job - one she never thought she would be able to do. She does amazing things for those kids. She is happy. Really happy. I spent time with her today.

I think you have a lot to offer people too. You are tenacious, bright, and communicate in an authentic manner.

And your words describe a very stark picture of the really awful existence that you live right now.

Please don't lose hope. Please keep reaching out.

You don't write very much about your therapist, other than the therapy isn't working and that she admits that people do make comments about the scar. Do you feel like she is able to understand any part of what you are doing through? Is she a trauma and/or BDD expert? Or is she one of the therapists that kind of just do general therapy that covers everything and anything? If she is the latter, it might help explain some of why she just doesn't understand what you are going through as well as you need to be understood and heard out.

Therapists are not likely to agree with your view of yourself (this is common for most forms of therapy). But having a good understanding of your experience of yourself and your prison that you are in is important, even essential. Regardless of what kind of therapist yours is, it does seem like she is trying to understand and validate what she can by telling you that people do comment about the scar. It does seem clear that you need someone who really gets it and really understands, and can help you effectively to reach all the goals that you have.

I'm trying to understand too, and the more you write, the more my heart goes out to you.

Thank you for being brave enough to share what it is like for you.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Do you understand that body dysmorphia is exactly that, you see your body as hideous (I suffered from it as a teenager and still have those ideas in my head) so could you accept maybe that you are seeing your scar much worse than it is? I would go to school thinking everyone who looked at me was looking at me because I was so hideous. They weren't looking at me for that at all. And it is the same with your scar, your PTSD, and mental state is condemning you to that prison and thinking everyone thinks you are hideous and would not be able to get past the scar and see you when there have been countless stories on here that people do. My son used to be covered in eczema and psoriasis, kids would say he was infectious, yes nasty kids with nasty parents, but there were also very nice parents and kids who saw past my son's flaky red skin.

The only way out is to break out of those thoughts and the only way to do that is to get help. Is there any hospital you could volunteer at, where there are patients with scars, burns so you could maybe feel you were amongst others who have scars, and I am betting a lot suffer from trauma? Or a group, or a forum like this one? Is there any prosthetic make up available, you know they transform actors into all sorts of things, are there any specialists who could help with that?

I'm trying to suggest ideas. You knocked back the advances in skin growth very quickly. I think you are wrong about that one, I think it will happen much sooner than you think. I think your PTSD is telling you nothing will work and keeping you in that prison.

 

[Kintsugi]

I can't tell you how moved I was by your last post. Your grief, and the weight of that grief, is palpable, and my heart goes out to you.

I couldn't find it on this thread (I did a search), but have you looked into the UK group Changing Faces? I did find an old post from someone else on here about it; they were referencing being hooked up with prescription cosmetics to cover self harm scarring. I looked through the website, though, and it's all about facial disfigurement, either from birth or from trauma. They have some support available. I don't know if/how they handle overseas inquiries, but I think it might be worth a shot.

I wanted to edit to add that while I know I can't think or feel as you do, I was reading through this website and trying to see it through the lens of your experience. I was using my best empathetic powers to try and imagine what it would be like if I were you, in your situation, reading that website, and it was a very powerful feeling.

I know it was just my own version of make-believe, that I can't know how you really feel, but I want you to know that it was a powerful experience to concentrate on, to read other stories of disfigurement and think, "Okay, this is my life now. This is the new me." It was difficult, and it was merely an exercise in empathy for me. I'm hearing you, and I really can't even imagine, but what I can imagine tells me it is really, really, really hard to cope with.

I'm not sitting here trying to shoot you down. I want to try and help you up any way I can. And I'm listening.

 

[Scarface]

@Queen Boudica I'm not seeing the scar much worse than it is. It is ugly and visible, right in the middle of my face. It can't be covered with makeup because it is deeply sunken in and wide, and it doesn't move like normal skin when the rest of my forehead moves. And not only does there need to be advances in skin growth but muscle growth too, because I have scarring in my forehead muscle.

I think volunteering in a hospital among burn victims would make me feel worse. I really despise disfiguring scarring now (both my own and other people's). I never used to feel this way, but I'm pretty sure being around it would further traumatize me.

On the contrary, people with flawless skin traumatize me now too. It was what I used to have, what I took for granted, what I never will have again. I can't even enjoy a movie or watch tv anymore because I can't stand to see flawless skin. And All I do when I'm out in public is scan other people's faces for noticeable scars. I rarely find any.

 

[Scarface]

Here are some stats on BDD:

Patients with BDD also have unusually poor quality of life. One study found that they had poorer mental health-related quality of life than has been reported for patients with other severe illnesses, such as type 2 diabetes, a recent myocardial infarction, or depression. Being housebound and requiring psychiatric hospitalization is relatively common. In the largest series of patients with DSM-IV-defined BDD, approximately one-quarter of patients had attempted suicide.

Yeah, I'm scared sh@tless. And like I said, my situation is much worse than BDD. I have a real difference. A real disfigurement driving the anxiety. So you see, I went from being a confident, carefree, adventurous, athletic, woman who loved to travel the world and meet new people to this hell on earth. Every day I wake up hoping that this is a horrible nightmare, but it's not. Maybe if I had a husband or children to live for, I would just push through it. But I don't. All I had was me, my spirit, my enjoyment of life, and it has been severely destroyed. So my only peace of mind is that I will die someday, hopefully sooner rather than later. At least I had a good life up until this point. I was smart, successful, healthy, and attractive. I experienced love, sex, worldly travels. That's more than most people ever get, even if it was short lived.

 

[joeylittle]

And like I said, my situation is much worse than BDD.

Please, don't say you have a disorder and then say you have it worse than anyone else.

EMDR? Exposure therapy? Ever going to respond to my questions on those?

Fixing your brain will alleviate part of your pain. You're really determined to suffer, it seems. I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm not sure what else it is. Also, this thread may have run its course if all you are interested in doing is romanticizing suicide. I can tell you one thing that the human body does not like to do: it does not like to die. There is no relief in dying. There is only nothing.

 

[Scarface]

Thanks @Simply Simon i appreciate your kind words

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe if I had a husband or children to live for,

Where does your family fit into your life and recovery now? You described them as a good family before the accident.

No doubt about it, enduring BDD is a horrible experience. Don't knock how bad BDD is for others who suffer it. It doesn't make your pain worse or less than theirs, and it really undermines how awful BDD can be.

Patients with BDD also have unusually poor quality of life. One study found that they had poorer mental health-related quality of life than has been reported for patients with other severe illnesses, such as type 2 diabetes, a recent myocardial infarction, or depression. Being housebound and requiring psychiatric hospitalization is relatively common. In the largest series of patients with DSM-IV-defined BDD, approximately one-quarter of patients had attempted suicide.

It clearly has some serious consequences for physcial health. I have read of rates of sucidial thinking with BDD being as high as 50% or greater. It's really clear that suicidiality and BDD are very interlinked.

The suicidal thoughts you are having are a symptom of the BDD itself. It is the BDD talking. And I believe you are enduring real pain and suffering and a real desire to die.

Have you read any of the studies on the newest research on treatment of BDD? Check out this study here: http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/735806 In this study, BDD sufferers had a 76% probability of full recovery and only a 14% probability of recurrence after recovery. That's full recovery. Not just learning to live with symptoms with less debilitating effects, that's not just a reduction of symptoms. That's full recovery.

I understand that it does make it harder to have a real scar on top of it. Most people with BDD have some kind of real issue with their body, and that's usually what triggers the BDD to start. It's also hard that you have PTSD as well. Most people with BDD have other co-morbid disorders. Very few have BDD alone. Many have robust EDs, some with PTSD as well, some with OCD, some with delusional disorders... it ranges the gaummut.

But the success rates of full recovery are outstanding. Maybe it's been annoying to you that people here keep harping on the importance of treatment? It's because of numbers like that. It's because of the joy and relief that can come when treatment is really sought out and applied.

That does not negate the fact that you are in real hell right now. It makes it all the more important to get into treatment. It's why everyone keeps going back to it. The more people understand the pain, the more they want for you to have a path out of it, and there is a real path out of it.

One thing that has been clear in almost every post of yours is that you are very scared. Scared to leave your house, scared to be around people, scared of what has been lost, scared that you will never get married, scared what people think, scared about what comments people will make...

...and it seems like maybe you are really scared of therapy too. Am I right? If you are, it's ok to be sh*t scared of therapy. Most people are.

 

[Scarface]

@joeylittle im open to other forms of therapy, but I don't even know how to find an EMDR therapist. And i refuse to show the scar so exposure therapy might not be for me.

 

[Justmehere]

EMDR is an amazing tool. You can ask your current therapist you have now for a good EMDR therapist, or check out Psychology Today's therapy listings. You can search by location, type of insurance, and type of therapy. If you have insurance, you can call them and ask them for a list of therapist's, and some insurance companies even have lists of therapists who do EMDR.

CBT/DBT are two other kinds of treatment that may help for both PTSD and BDD, as well as working through the grief that you have about what has been lost.