When The 'therapeutic Relationship' Is The Big Trigger

[DharmaGirl]

Do you know any grounding techniques? Flooding is horrid! I was flooding last week. I'm trying to keep a lid on it now. It is so hard to be in so much pain. I am so glad your therapist reassures you. It is so hard to trust, even when you know they want to help.

Holding ice cubes helps some people. Can you feel your feet on the floor? Can you feel your breath going in and out? Do you see anything red in the room where you are? How many red things do you see? Now green. How many green things do you see? This is a quick grounding exercise that can make some people feel better. I hope you do feel better.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thanks everyone. I did end up having a big cry - painful, and at the time it felt like it would make no difference but it shifted things enough and I was able to go lie on the couch in a warm blanket and watch tv for a while with my fur babies.

I feel a bit 'better' today. Pain is still there, but it is mixed with some good feelings also.

I like the idea of a sharp pencil. I did stick a blunted piece of jagged mirror into my wrist but it did not break the skin - so I guess it was a similar idea. Having self harm thoughts today but I remind myself 'thoughts do not have to lead to action and am distracting myself. Will probably go for a long walk soon too. I didn't even get out of my pajama's yesterday. And that is ok.

Realizing more as to HOW therapy is triggering up so much pain.

The relationship with my T is mirrored to that of my mother in so many ways (and many it doesn't of course).

a) My T is and always will be, far more important to me, than I am to her (that is exactly what it was like with my mother).

b) Seeing my T for one hour once a week is like getting crumbs of something that 'could' be more, but isn't (and won't ever be).It was vey much like that with my mother - I yearned and ached and NEEDED so damn badly, more form her than she was ever going to give me - and if and when she did 'love' me, it was usually only because SHE wanted or needed me too - it was based on HER need, not mine. I grew up feeling I would only ever have the 'crumbs' of her love. And I had to be GRATEFUL for the 'crumbs' I got - because it was a lot better than when there were not crumbs of love, and just her hating on me, hurting me physically.

c) My T has so much more power than I do in the 'relationship'. Example - she can decide to stop seeing me - and that would devastate me, hurt me so much (I know she wouldn't stop seeing me to hurt me; she might change jobs or move etc, but even though she wouldn't deliberately 'punish' me by stopping seeing me, it would still hurt!). Sure, she can say 'but you could stop seeing me too!' - but yeah - lets see who that would affect more - not her!!!

Starting to feel really angry about the unequal power - namely that if we stopped therapy with each other, she would get on with her life so easily, whereas I would be left reeling :(. I feel angry that she has the power to hurt me and affect me in such a HUGE way, yet I have no power on her at all - It FEELS like I can do NOTHING to 'make' her FEEL anything. Example - I am so sensitive to feeling hurt by her I never make eye contact - I don't even look at her shoes. If I made eye contact, and saw a 'glimmer' of something I'd likely feel hurt by it somehow. On the other hand - if I went to see her next Friday and told her how much I 'hate her guts' and yelled at her, it would not have anywhere near the same impact on her - she would be able to separate herself from my feelings.

I wrote a poem once, about how I could be standing there on fire and no one notice. I could set myself on fire, and stand there, silently burning (silent because there would be no point in screaming out in pain - i won;don't be heard, so why bother?). I could walk up to the window of a restaurant where everyone is sitting down to dine; with fine wine and caviar, where eI reach out and touch the window pane with my burning flesh; where my skin drops off, leaving a darkened smudge on the windowpane, but everyone keeps eating and chatting merrily.

I know that is how I felt growing up - my pain meant NOTHING. It had no 'cause and effect' on my mother.

Classic point in case: she shuts me in my bedroom cupboard, closes the door and uses her bodyweight to stop me getting out. I am terrified of the dark, terrified I can't breathe - I'm crying out, "I can't breathe!" and it doesn't matter. In the end, the only reason she opened the door to let me out was because SHE felt bad - she 'came too' and was so full of remorse. She hugged me, almost crying, asking for my forgiveness "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it!!!" "it's ok mum', I say, always the good girl. She hugged me, I said the words SHE needed to hear - SHE needed the comfort. She hugged me because SHE felt bad. I had to pretend it was all ok - I let her hug me, but my body remained as stiff as a board, I wanted to get away form her and not have her hug me, but felt I had no choice.

With my T, I KNOW its 'transference' - I hate that it is a part of therapy. I hate feeling this way. I also hate that it is necessary - it's a process I obviously have to go through. I hate that I need to go through it with my T; but I am also trusting enough, that I am even a little bit prepared to even TRY to go through it her - it's something I have avoided at all costs, in any previous therapy - because it has been intolerable to even acknowledge in my own mind, let alone outside of it.

I think I might be able to talk to her about this at our next session. I'm thinking about sending her an email about it - although I might wait. I swore this time, I'd 'talk' about things ONLY if / when I was feeling them - I can be so separate form my feelings that all the talking in the world does NOTHING to process them. It's when I am FEELING things AS I'm talking about them, that I can truly 'be there' with them. So it might be I wait until I see her. Maybe send a bit of a clue so she can use it to bring it up when I see her - to prompt me.

My fears in exploring this with her / facing it:

a) Loving 'her', aching for 'her' - it is so incredibly painful to go through (one sided and of course she cannot give me what I so desperately NEED, and want - unconditional maternal love). :(

b) Hating her - why would I want to 'hate' her - she is such a loving, kind, person. I don't want to hate her and resent her - even in the context of 'transference' :(

c) Fearing her - not sure I would, but its possible I suppose. I certainly had a LOT of fear of my mother. Isn't that what love actually is? Love, hate and intense pain all in one? Certainly the lesson I learned growing up. Love hurts far more than hate.

d) Afraid my feelings will be TOO intense for me to handle. I try to remind myself, my feelings have been very very intense over the weekend BUT I am still SAFE. I have not acted out and hurt myself. It means I am ok to deal with this - it's the right time, right person, right situation.

e) I'm afraid she will find it REPULSIVE that I 'like' her, and have deep feelings for 'her'. That she will think its the most disgusting, horrible thing ever - kinda like having some old perverted man lusting after you when you're a teenage girl. I'm afraid she will put up concrete walls around her to protect herself, from 'me'. :( (I have to remind myself to TRSUT her - she is very very good at her job, has never shown me she is unprofessional and unable to 'cope' with therapy with me - I need to remind myself she is very skilled and she will know how to help me work through this; she WILL be able to recognize it for what it is, and won't feel repulsed. I hope not anyway ;( .

It's painful to realize none of these fears come out of nowhere - I've clearly felt these with my mother growing up. It's a very painful revelation to try to begin to bear. I just hope my T 'gets it' - and can help me through it. I feel a huge can of worms has been opened; and I am really afraid of what I will feel next :(.

Being able to articulate this is a start. I have a case manager I can talk to about this tomorrow - it's AMAZING sign of GREAT progress that I am even contemplating being able to talk to someone about it, so deep has been the shame in the past.

5 more days until I see my T. Each day is so painfully slow. I just want to be back in her office so bad, yet fear it at the same time.

 

[Skylynx]

I know this sounds mundane, but one thing I've learned about talking to T is to just do some small talk between the heavier feelings. Especially about transference feelings that are so embarrassing. I'm very logical and want to have a program like going to school. Let's get to it, is my motto, even as my heart is pounding with fear! Give me the facts. But in and between the facts are a thousands nuances of feeling and experience you need to go through with the T guiding. But small talk is not a waste because it rounds you out and shapes you, in the therapists mind and in yours.:D It fills in your history. It gives you some relief from the trauma stimulations in the therapy hour. This saved my therapy, as it ground to a total stop by my needing to know right now everything the therapist thought about our transference issue. I feel for the pain you have, especially about being flipped off at the emergency room by some idiots. I know it was awful about seeing your mother die, even tho she was abusive. :eek:

 

[NovemberStar]

@Skylynx - I am feeling pretty good about the situation no I have talked to her and she knows about it all.

For me, I find emailing her is helpful to provide a starting point for out session. That way, if I don't bring the hard stuff up, she will - and she brings it up right near the start, which I do appreciate. She always checks out with me thought, if it is ok to talk about now.

Last week I didn't email her, and probably as a result, I didn't talk about things left over from the time before. I will email her this week, a couple days before I see her, about what I need to talk about. I find emailing helps me so much - I am more able to put into writing and send to her, the hardest stuff. And her memory is amazing - she doesn't seem to forget much lol!

Honestly, most of the angst was in NOT telling her. Once I told her, it has been SO much easier and a lot less painful.

I definitely recommend it Skylynx - your turn next!

 

[Skylynx]

Yes, it's my turn, Star. The furthest I've gotten is to tell T last week that each of my relatives that raised me told me not to ever depend on them or use them for a mother. So hard to get past that! I'm going tomorrow and already scared over what I've told last week. The word "mother" is like a bad magic word I can hardly say.

I hope it goes well with you, and looks like the email method works for you some.

 

[NovemberStar]

Good luck @Skylynx - I'll be sending you loads of internet strength across the oceans!

Are you able to troll her just that much -= that you struggle to use the 'mother' word, because anything to do with it is mega hard?

Have you read any of Hope Edelman's books? I found them incredibly helpful - "Motherless Daughters" was the first one, but it was the second one I loved the most - "Letters From Motherless Daughters". Hundreds of letters from young women and older women who lost their mums - some due to death, others due to abandonment. The ages they lost their mums varies from as young as you were (or at birth), through to mid life, but mainly it's on women who lost their mum's young (i.e. under 20 years of age).

She also wrote a book "Motherless Mothers" - about the issues we have if we become mothers ourselves, how much our loss can be triggered when we ourselves become mothers.

Maybe you can tell your T you have quite a few things yo'ud like to be able to tell her but are struggling, as it is so hard - and then problem solve how you can bring some of those things up. I suggested to @xena21 to write a list of all the Scary Things we struggle to tell our Ts. Write it not with thinking you will share them - it's important to include EVERY SINLGE thing that is 'there'. Then talk to your T about how to go about talking about the list. Spend a session (or more) talking about talking about The List - share your fears of sharing some of the things on there, what you worry will happen if you share those things. I found this so reassuring to do - my T gave me the reassurance and courage to make a start. We also talked about 'what if' - I was worried I'd dissociate really badly and lose all awareness of where I was - and I was terrified of what she would 'do' (or not do) if that happened.

Our plan then was: I'd let her know, on a scale of 1-10 how terrified I was, and if my fear and dissociation was getting up towards a 7, (10 being the worst), we would change the topic, and talk about something completely safe - like my snowboarding, and imagining being up the mountain on my board. In the end, it was just a fear I would dissociate so bad - it didn't happen (not so far anyway).

Yeah, I emailed her the List in the end, but it meant it was out there and we are working through it.

Let us know how you get on with your T. You're doing awesome Skylynx!