When the therapist thinks the past is always to blame

[Justmehere]

I have had some recent losses,

I figured grief counseling might help. Right? Ugh. I was put in with a trauma specialist. Not grief. I said I would try but I’m not doing trauma therapy.

It did kind of help, for the first two sessions. Third session she pushed deep breathing. I explained that I’m not interested in that. I’ve been doing biofeedback and nuerofeedback and found that it is actually leading to physical signs of more stress, not less, to focus on deep breathing. I have a undertreated medical condition that makes deep breaths uh, not enjoyable at the moment. She knows that. Pushed it anyhow.

I said no. Battle was on. It triggered me to no end. I kept trying to switch to something else.

She decided the deep breaths didn’t work due to bad therapists in the past.

We have never talked about good or bad therapy in the past.

I was trying to explain I was trying to make a choice about which thing to get for an upcoming funeral… and I couldn’t decide. Her response was just take deep breaths.

When that didn’t work, she interpreted it to not be because of the under treated medical matter that I told her about and my stress that she wouldn’t let it go… but that some past thing is really to blame and if I just had a good therapist, and was more willing, it would work.

Wtf do I have to do? Get a letter from a doctor that says lay off about my chest and breathing, okay?

I asked her goals… they were to learn about me. That’s it.

She then asked me what’s helped in the past. Suggested I do that. Then said she had nothing to offer me and “being mad at her isn’t helping you.”

I asked her to give me an example of a useful answer to the question “what has helped in the past.” She couldn’t think of one and repeated again that being mad at her was not helpful to myself, I must be mad at her due to a past therapist, and that she had nothing to offer me to help.

She then offered to schedule in two weeks.

—

What the hell am I missing?

 

[Weemie]

What the hell am I missing?

Competence.

I wouldn't even bother going back. Her only skill-based suggestion is deep breathing and you rejected the only thing she knows how to do, so she lashed out at you.

Then, accused you of being frustrated instead of correctly identifying her own frustration. Some therapists just aren't comfortable outside their wheelhouse.

 

[Teamwork]

You’re missing out on good therapy. A no is no. When people do not respect our no it is triggering. As to breathing you can follow the breath without doing anything much as breathing is automatic. Hand on belly feeling the breathe can be calming. If not try other things. Personally I get discouraged when breathing work is the go to and I get agitated trying to do it right. But that is me. Thinking I’m not doing something right fuels my anxiety. In your case it tunes you to the wrong place which is discomfort from medical issues. Look up the tapping solution and see if that is a better fit for you and decide on coming or going from this therapist with one go to. I disagree about being mad at her isn’t helping, as mine would explore that or let me know it was fine or neither here nor there in the relationship.

 

[wabisabiman]

Find a new therapist. A therapist is like any good relationship - - there has to be trust and compatibility. Sounds like you found neither with this one. Time to move on.

 

[caroline_13]

I have had some recent losses,

I figured grief counseling might help. Right? Ugh. I was put in with a trauma specialist. Not grief. I said I would try but I’m not doing trauma therapy.

It did kind of help, for the first two sessions. Third session she pushed deep breathing. I explained that I’m not interested in that. I’ve been doing biofeedback and nuerofeedback and found that it is actually leading to physical signs of more stress, not less, to focus on deep breathing. I have a undertreated medical condition that makes deep breaths uh, not enjoyable at the moment. She knows that. Pushed it anyhow.

I said no. Battle was on. It triggered me to no end. I kept trying to switch to something else.

She decided the deep breaths didn’t work due to bad therapists in the past.

We have never talked about good or bad therapy in the past.

I was trying to explain I was trying to make a choice about which thing to get for an upcoming funeral… and I couldn’t decide. Her response was just take deep breaths.

When that didn’t work, she interpreted it to not be because of the under treated medical matter that I told her about and my stress that she wouldn’t let it go… but that some past thing is really to blame and if I just had a good therapist, and was more willing, it would work.

Wtf do I have to do? Get a letter from a doctor that says lay off about my chest and breathing, okay?

I asked her goals… they were to learn about me. That’s it.

She then asked me what’s helped in the past. Suggested I do that. Then said she had nothing to offer me and “being mad at her isn’t helping you.”

I asked her to give me an example of a useful answer to the question “what has helped in the past.” She couldn’t think of one and repeated again that being mad at her was not helpful to myself, I must be mad at her due to a past therapist, and that she had nothing to offer me to help.

She then offered to schedule in two weeks.

—

What the hell am I missing?

Try someone else.

 

[chihayafuru]

if a particular technique doesn't work for you and you've told them that, they shouldn't keep telling you to do it anyway unless it's something like exposure therapy, in which case, it likely won't seem helpful straight away and you have to stick with it though you could do it in smaller steps if the current steps feel too big.

 

[Friday]

Competence

This.

@Justmehere … I’m not sure if you have some of the worst luck in finding providers I’ve ever seen… or if you just take idiots to heart, too damn much. (Read: At All.)

 

[Justmehere]

I need to learn “no” is a complete sentence.

This.

@Justmehere … I’m not sure if you have some of the worst luck in finding providers I’ve ever seen… or if you just take idiots to heart, too damn much. (Read: At All.)

I take idiots to heart. If it stopped, they would still be idiots but at least I’d be better off.

I also am navigating crappy insurance and a very broken mental health care system.

They must help some people…

I just don’t know how to be in the middle of it and not feel like my insides are ripped out. Boundaries are what I need…

I think of therapy and all I think of is stress, pressure, having boundaries run over… not a good place to be.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t know if you’ve read any of my posts but our current places have certain parallels.

My brain is so obsessive right now so I’ll be brief and come back later to say more.

Anyway, I’m seeing a new therapist and I’ve had 3 sessions. I realized that I am in a power struggle with her, and this simply cannot work. I, and I am guessing you as well, have a lot of therapy under my belt. I’m not an idiot when it comes to this stuff. I know so much simply because I have had so much treatment. I know exactly what I want (skills) but she insists on talking about my trauma which is the exact thing not to do right now. I know she doesn’t even have to know anything about me to teach me a few basic skills, but I haven’t gotten any. Plus, she knew I was as going to have a month between appointments because she’s so booked up. And yet nothing to tide me over, just suggestions that I go to partial (no thanks).

What I mean is that we are too smart/knowledgeable for our own good. Some therapists cannot meet you where you are and insist on doing things their way only. This is quite problematic.

 

[enough]

but that some past thing is really to blame and if I just had a good therapist, and was more willing, it would work.

Hard to argue with that statement, I mean if you suffered some kind of damage in her lobby it would be part of your past. The rest of it is also true, you need a better therapist, and willingness falls somewhere between hanging up the phone before the appointment gets booked and hanging on every word of wisdom that falls from the therapists mouth, there's unwilling and blind adoration willing, you seem to be somewhere in between, where most everyone else here is too. More is better, but I think you are showing up for the appointment-willing enough.

What I mean is that we are too smart/knowledgeable for our own good. Some therapists cannot meet you where you are and insist on doing things their way only. This is quite problematic.

Yep. I have had so many bad therapists that maybe I start to get a whiff of bad therapy when it is maybe just a new interpretation of some thesis I don't agree with, put out as a challenge but not as a new direction they are going to lead me. I have to harness my resistance to stuff that hasn't worked, let it glide on by without stomping the brakes. I said have to, maybe should is better word to describe my willingness to sit and listen to stuff I doubt will lead anywhere.