Hello, everyone......
Sometimes I'm amazed by the lack of understanding in this world, even among so-called "experts." Why pathologize survival techniques and call them "disorders?"? My word......it makes no sense to me whatsoever. If you grow up being chronically abused and tormented, why would you NOT end up feeling anxious or depressed? Why wouldn't you dissociate? Why wouldn't you develop panic attacks and/or insomnia and/or alters and/or rage and anger? Why wouldn't you be hypervigilant? Why wouldn't you develop fear of social situations and/or perfectionism and/or compulsiveness? Why would you NOT learn to blame yourself and hate yourself? Why wouldn't you self-injure or want to commit suicide?
Why, indeed?
Who is acknowledging the truth? I do get so tired of our American mythology. I really do. You know, we can "all pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. We need to stop complaining. Stop the victim mentality."
Are you kidding me? Why not tell the truth, for once? Why not acknowledge that living with abusers and narcissists and psychopaths and bullies damages children, teenagers, and adults? Why not admit that some people are destroying other human beings with their cruelty? I'm talking about covert and overt, active and passive, gaslighting, emotional neglect, verbal assaults, along with sexual and physical abuse.
Why are we the ones that feel the blame and shame and guilt? Why do we have to hide what was done to us, by no fault of our own? Why must we protect the sensiibilities of others who simply do not want to hear about or admit that our parents and our spouses and our friends and strangers have done these reprehensible things to us and caused us harm? Why do we feel ostracized because we received a diagnosis that we don't want our coworkers or bosses to ever know? Why do we live daily with these inner feelings we can't express openly except to therapists and a few trusted others, if we're lucky. Why must we lose our jobs? Feel shame from going on disability? Apologize for crying? Feel ashamed at not being "normal (whatever that is)"?
I have experienced all of the above. And, frankly, I am sick of it. Our world must at some point accept the reality that there are people who are destroying other people's lives. And the people whose lives are being destroyed, often by a "thousand little cuts," almost impercetibly (and that type of abuse is often the scariest, in my opinion), deserve better treatment from the world!!
Stop it already! Stop looking down on us. We've had to develop inner strength that you can't even fathom. Stop tsk-tsking and pitying us! We are people just like you, people who've had the misfortune to be mistreated and manipulated and tormented and abused. We didn't ask for it. We must deal with it. So stop adding to our shame and guilt and pain! We are victims, so stop with the stupid platitudes and the non-helpful ridiculous one-liners which only add to our shame and guilt......stop with the "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." (Really, really? Well, excuse me, but I've had my abundance of being almost killed off by others' crappy behavior.) Stop with the "Well, where were you and what were you wearing?" when you're talking to a rape victim. Stop with the "What did you do to HIM or HER?" when you're talking to a domestic abuse survivor, be they male or female. Stop with the "Just forget it" and "Get over it already" and "Why do you still let that bother you?" and the "You're over-reacting" and the "You're overly sensitive." Stop with the subtle and the not-so-subtle judgments. They're condescending and they're patronizing. Do you think we don't have the ability to recognize your condescension? Please.......we may be wounded, but we're not stupid. Stop acting as if you are somehow better than we are, or more blessed, or more full of enlightenment, because you would never, ever have chosen the behaviors we have chosen in order to get through another day. Listen.......you have no idea what behaviors you would choose to use to get through a day unless you had lived in our shoes. In fact, you might be doing much worse. Self-harm, self-injury, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts........you may have checked out of life loooooonnnnnngggg before I ever considered the idea.
Listen, world. We are here. We are just as valid, just as significant, just as important as you are, you who had the opportunities and the blessings we could only dream about. You who got the decent parents, the college education, the high-paying job, the beautiful or handsome face, the good genes, the fantastic health. You who through no real aptitude or talent received what we too wish we had. But we are here. And we are strong. And we are struggling every day or our lives to make it. We love our families and spouses and children, just as you do. We want to make it on our own, just as you do. We want good jobs, just as you do. We want decent places to live and enough money to send our children to college and we want vacations and celebrations. We want peace and serenity, too. We want to be loved by someone, heard by someone, validated by someone, accepted by someone. And we deserve that. Just as you do. You are not better than we are. In fact, we may have more inner strength, deeper character, more capacity for empathy and love, than you will ever have in your entire life. Why? Because we have been to the bottom and we are still climbing out. We never give up....not unless we're so depleted that we have nothing left inside. We struggle every single day. And we struggle in ways that are so profound that you would sit in awe of us were you to know.
We are wonderful.....and powerful......and fragile......and wounded......and struggling. We are the warriors of this world. You may not recognize that, but we are the warriors.
Stop treating us as if we are flawed because some disordered human being(s) chose to abuse us. Or because we have witnessed a horrendous event. Or lived in chronic trauma.
We are not weak. We are strong and beautiful. If only you could get your mind off of yourself long enough to really see that and understand that.
I wrote this as a soapbox issue. I feel passionately about this topic.
Sometimes I'm amazed by the lack of understanding in this world, even among so-called "experts." Why pathologize survival techniques and call them "disorders?"? My word......it makes no sense to me whatsoever. If you grow up being chronically abused and tormented, why would you NOT end up feeling anxious or depressed? Why wouldn't you dissociate? Why wouldn't you develop panic attacks and/or insomnia and/or alters and/or rage and anger? Why wouldn't you be hypervigilant? Why wouldn't you develop fear of social situations and/or perfectionism and/or compulsiveness? Why would you NOT learn to blame yourself and hate yourself? Why wouldn't you self-injure or want to commit suicide?
Why, indeed?
Who is acknowledging the truth? I do get so tired of our American mythology. I really do. You know, we can "all pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. We need to stop complaining. Stop the victim mentality."
Are you kidding me? Why not tell the truth, for once? Why not acknowledge that living with abusers and narcissists and psychopaths and bullies damages children, teenagers, and adults? Why not admit that some people are destroying other human beings with their cruelty? I'm talking about covert and overt, active and passive, gaslighting, emotional neglect, verbal assaults, along with sexual and physical abuse.
Why are we the ones that feel the blame and shame and guilt? Why do we have to hide what was done to us, by no fault of our own? Why must we protect the sensiibilities of others who simply do not want to hear about or admit that our parents and our spouses and our friends and strangers have done these reprehensible things to us and caused us harm? Why do we feel ostracized because we received a diagnosis that we don't want our coworkers or bosses to ever know? Why do we live daily with these inner feelings we can't express openly except to therapists and a few trusted others, if we're lucky. Why must we lose our jobs? Feel shame from going on disability? Apologize for crying? Feel ashamed at not being "normal (whatever that is)"?
I have experienced all of the above. And, frankly, I am sick of it. Our world must at some point accept the reality that there are people who are destroying other people's lives. And the people whose lives are being destroyed, often by a "thousand little cuts," almost impercetibly (and that type of abuse is often the scariest, in my opinion), deserve better treatment from the world!!
Stop it already! Stop looking down on us. We've had to develop inner strength that you can't even fathom. Stop tsk-tsking and pitying us! We are people just like you, people who've had the misfortune to be mistreated and manipulated and tormented and abused. We didn't ask for it. We must deal with it. So stop adding to our shame and guilt and pain! We are victims, so stop with the stupid platitudes and the non-helpful ridiculous one-liners which only add to our shame and guilt......stop with the "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." (Really, really? Well, excuse me, but I've had my abundance of being almost killed off by others' crappy behavior.) Stop with the "Well, where were you and what were you wearing?" when you're talking to a rape victim. Stop with the "What did you do to HIM or HER?" when you're talking to a domestic abuse survivor, be they male or female. Stop with the "Just forget it" and "Get over it already" and "Why do you still let that bother you?" and the "You're over-reacting" and the "You're overly sensitive." Stop with the subtle and the not-so-subtle judgments. They're condescending and they're patronizing. Do you think we don't have the ability to recognize your condescension? Please.......we may be wounded, but we're not stupid. Stop acting as if you are somehow better than we are, or more blessed, or more full of enlightenment, because you would never, ever have chosen the behaviors we have chosen in order to get through another day. Listen.......you have no idea what behaviors you would choose to use to get through a day unless you had lived in our shoes. In fact, you might be doing much worse. Self-harm, self-injury, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts........you may have checked out of life loooooonnnnnngggg before I ever considered the idea.
Listen, world. We are here. We are just as valid, just as significant, just as important as you are, you who had the opportunities and the blessings we could only dream about. You who got the decent parents, the college education, the high-paying job, the beautiful or handsome face, the good genes, the fantastic health. You who through no real aptitude or talent received what we too wish we had. But we are here. And we are strong. And we are struggling every day or our lives to make it. We love our families and spouses and children, just as you do. We want to make it on our own, just as you do. We want good jobs, just as you do. We want decent places to live and enough money to send our children to college and we want vacations and celebrations. We want peace and serenity, too. We want to be loved by someone, heard by someone, validated by someone, accepted by someone. And we deserve that. Just as you do. You are not better than we are. In fact, we may have more inner strength, deeper character, more capacity for empathy and love, than you will ever have in your entire life. Why? Because we have been to the bottom and we are still climbing out. We never give up....not unless we're so depleted that we have nothing left inside. We struggle every single day. And we struggle in ways that are so profound that you would sit in awe of us were you to know.
We are wonderful.....and powerful......and fragile......and wounded......and struggling. We are the warriors of this world. You may not recognize that, but we are the warriors.
Stop treating us as if we are flawed because some disordered human being(s) chose to abuse us. Or because we have witnessed a horrendous event. Or lived in chronic trauma.
We are not weak. We are strong and beautiful. If only you could get your mind off of yourself long enough to really see that and understand that.
I wrote this as a soapbox issue. I feel passionately about this topic.
