When You Both Have Ptsd?

[feelgoodinc.]

Hello, my name is Sarah.

Firstly I must say that I do not normally open up and seek advice/comfort from anyone other than my partner. This is often not possible as we both suffer from PTSD. So this is quite new and difficult for me. I do not like to make a big fuss. But today was bad. Scary bad. I am shaken. As usual we both feel it was my fault and that I am not respectful enough. I argued about something as trivial as making coffee. I apologised as soon as I knew I had upset him. I tried to make amends. Too late.

I have been very supportive this last week. Putting my feelings second and his first. He is dealing with his rude ex and their problem teenage daughter at the moment so I guess this was the last straw before he had a melt down. And boy was it scary. On the floor creaming, crying, moaning, talking to himself, repeatedly saying "Why doesn't anyone listen to me!". I am glad we live in the bush. But even so I am surprised no neighbours called the police it was that loud. He calmed down slightly after he went for a walk and screamed some more. But when he came back to the house he was talking to himself angrily and proceeded to grab the coffee percolator, take it outside and smash it on the ground. Then he came inside and told me "When I make the coffee, I make it the way I like to". His eyes scared me.

He is in bed now, having taken some Alepam. I am not to go near him or talk to him. Probably for days I expect. I feel shaken and alone, and that he hates me. I have no way of supporting him. I am the rude, selfish and disrespectful one. I do not have any friends of my own to see or talk to. I do not wish to burden my family or embarrass him. He is 20 years my senior and we have a D/S relationship. I often feel my complaints are not taken seriously or are turned back on me. He is only my second relationship. My first was very abusive and lasted 6 years. I have PTSD from my ex and sexual abuse as a child. I admit his seems to affect him more, he was in the cops for 18 years, and I try to put him first. I am just struggling to deal with another angry man. I love him so much and we are happy most of the time but episodes like this one terrify me.

Sorry to complain this much, I just need some people that understand to hear me for once...


Thank you xoxox

 

[Friday]

Yup. That's a helluva meltdown. Been there and done that.

What it is not is your fault. His triggers, his responsibility.

 

[Kintsugi]

Welcome to the forum.

You were not complaining. You are reaching out for help. That's a positive thing.

I think he needs to take responsibility for managing his symptoms.

The fact that he is your dom is a bit worrying to me--just some two cents on the side. ;)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

When are you going to put your needs first? In my experience, if you don't make yourself a priority, nobody else is going to, either. I'm not saying to disregard everyone else, but at the same time, your health is of utmost importance.

Can I ask why you're in a D/S relationship? Is this a continuation of your previous trauma? Its common for sufferers to seek out situations which end up inadvertently recreating the past.

 

[feelgoodinc.]

Oh, thank you for the quick replies, I was not expecting any to be honest :P

I might take the first two as comments, and thank you again. I appreciate it. :)

As for your first question itsKismet; I do try and put my needs up there. But I also feel that as his carer, and I do get government support for it, that he is my priority unless I am having a major breakdown. This has only happened a few times in 3 years. Unfortunately he wasn't very helpful with two of those, but that's another story altogether I guess. I suppose I feel he struggles more and since I am compassionate to a fault it is hard not to disregard my own feelings. I don't wish to lose him.

Second question; I am in a D/S relationship because it sort of just happened that way. I met him on Fetlife, I was not looking for someone, just information, but we talked for months all day every day and he took the initiative to meet me. I was too shy. I don't know if it could be considered a continuation, I do know I have no desire to recreate the past. I just have no doubt I am sexually submissive and I prefer someone who is a dom in the bedroom. It isn't an issue for me, and he is mostly good in that regard. He does know I don't like him drinking too much first as he has been a bit mean a few times. I am fairly confident he knows there is a line there now however.

xoxox

 

[feelgoodinc.]

What it is not is your fault. His triggers, his responsibility.

I have been thinking about this. I feel so powerless right now. It sounds a scary thing to attempt but I want to help him. How do I go about explaining that to him without him becoming angry at me? I will try but I feel like I will just get the blame again. And I don't know if he is in the right head space lately to take responsibility for his triggers even if he must.

 

[Kintsugi]

If I were you, I would express myself something like this.

"When you are triggered, I feel you blame me for that trigger. In actuality, your reaction is yours to own. I would love to help you reduce your reactions, but that is a product of me wanting to help you, not me taking responsibility for how you will react to any given circumstance."

Something like that. You can validate (I saw that you felt upset when...) address (When you say X, I feel you are placing blame on me), and frame the actual issue (When you are triggered, it is not my responsibility).

Hope that helps. I've not had my coffee yet.

 

[Friday]

Another way to look at it, too... Is he's asking you to more than just top. Not just be in control, and minding his reactions, but to completely control his reactions.

That's always impossible. Regardless of the type of relationship. But phrasing it in familiar terms may help. You're not his dom. But by blaming you for his reactions, he's not only placing you in that position, but asking the impossible of you.

Our triggers are always our own.

 

[Kintsugi]

What @FridayJones said X100.

This was a prominent concern for me when I read that he was your dom.

 

[feelgoodinc.]

Hope that helps. I've not had my coffee yet.

Oh yes it all helps, up until now I have not had anyone to talk to about it. Mm..coffee...If only he hadn't smashed the percolator yesterday.

"When you are triggered, I feel you blame me for that trigger. In actuality, your reaction is yours to own. I would love to help you reduce your reactions, but that is a product of me wanting to help you, not me taking responsibility for how you will react to any given circumstance."

That sounds a good way to word it. Thank you. I will write it down and read it to him because my vocalisation skills are pretty bad and he usually just gets angrier and won't talk to me. I will wait until he is a bit betterer.

 

[feelgoodinc.]

Another way to look at it, too... Is he's asking you to more than just top. Not just be in control, and minding his reactions, but to completely control his reactions.

That's always impossible. Regardless of the type of relationship. But phrasing it in familiar terms may help. You're not his dom. But by blaming you for his reactions, he's not only placing you in that position, but asking the impossible of you.

Okay. Thank you. I have brought similar thoughts up before, albeit probably not very articulately. I feel if I bring up the Dom thing he will say I am just a bad sub and it's my fault all over again for arguing. I just don't know if he cares enough about his behavior or how it affects me. :(

What @FridayJonesThis was a prominent concern for me when I read that he was your dom.

I guess it could sound bad. Why does it concern you?

 

[Kintsugi]

It concerns me because I think a dom needs to be highly stable and responsible.

I'm not trying to steer this thread away from your main issue, but if you don't mind, I'm curious... how familiar are you with D/S relationships? Do you know other D/S couples? Have you been a sub before?