When You Have A Crush On Someone...

[Tarot]

This thread topic is sort of like the "Sexual Fantasies" thread, but different in a lot of ways, that's why I decided to make a new discussion for it.

I was just wondering, if/when any of you have a crush on someone, how do you envision your "rendenvouz" with them (for lack of a better term)? It seems I've never had the Danielle Steel type of fantasy where it's all romantic and sweet and hot. It seems that most women (I could be wrong so please correct me) who have not been through SA seem to have that sweet fantasy... the rose petals on the bed... the sweet whispers and words... the loving caresses... etc. But for me? Every man I've cared about... whom I've wanted to be with (and they are few and far in between-- I've only ever really have fallen for 2 men in my life hard, and they were unrequited), I've just had rough fantasies about them. I've just always wanted them to take me and have their way with me. Which is strange, because these were two men I truly respected and cared about. Good, good men. So why won't/can't I have a "normal" desire for them; a romantic desire, not an abusive one? Not that I envision them hitting me or anything... but it seems the fantasies border more on using/abusive/impersonal sex than loving moments.

Also, while on this topic, does anyone here have eye contact issues while having sex? I don't think I've ever looked my partner in the eyes. I will go as far as to hide my face under a pillow or cover so I can't see them and they can't see me (like an ostrich lol). I don't want the connection. It freaks me out. I just want sex. I don't want to make love. I don't want someone looking at me and watching me, nor do I want to look at them. Anyone else have this issue? Not sure if it stems from SA, or just simple low self-esteem or what.

 

[Lucycat]

I am going to reply back to front!

I had issues with eye contact, but have worked on that and now I seek eye contact as reassurance that I am safe. That is both related to sex and at other times too. T said lack of eye contact - in my case - was related to feelings of shame. I had a session of EMDR when it ended with me making eye contact with T and it was explosive!!

I too used to put my head under a pillow in sex but that has all changed. Until I read your post I had not really thought much about it, but now I can see it is real progress for me I believe.

When it comes to having a crush or day dreaming about another, then yes, I think I go for the routine romance side of things. I want to be loved and pampered, never 'taken'. That doesn't mean that others will not relate to what you are describing though.

 

[Tarot]

Thanks, BL. I feel a lot better knowing I am not alone in the eye contact/loving making issue. I think if I ever did it, I would probably have too many emotions surface. I don't think I could handle looking at someone who loves me during sex. I think it would really upset me for some reason.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Never really thought about this much, but I have found it hard to keep eye contact, ever, not just when having sex. Hmm, shame? Definitely.

As for abusive crushes, yes me too. Not romantic at all, pretty much along the lines of being raped. Thanks for posting this as its really made me think. All the people I've thought like this about have actually all been men I've thought of as 'father figures'. :confused:

 

[megnut]

The more I read these threads, the more at home I feel. Thank you all, for writing about these things so I can stop feeling so alone.

I hate having eye contact with my husband or any man I have been with in the past. It puts such a human quality to love-making and I have never wanted a human quality to sex. Just a couple of days ago I had an 'aha!' moment about sex and love. For me, the ones who were supposed to love me as a child were the ones who sexually abused me. So I never again want to mix sex and loved-ones. It is just too painful. Either let me love you completely and deeply with no sex at all, or we will be having just straight sex with no real intimacy at all. The alternative involves a very uncomfortable grey area.

All of my fantasies are about being roughly taken and about the man having all the pleasure, like I have no place seeking pleasure of my own.

I want to confess to my husband that I am not satisfied with our sex life because he is 'too gentle, too romantic.' It is probably what most women crave in their love-making, but not me.

Maybe part of it is that I want to be seen as so sexually desireable, that he just wants the sex without knowing my inner self. All my life I have felt sexually undesireable and it is my greatest wish to reverse this.

 

[Tarot]

Wow, megnut. I swear I could have written that post myself. Everything you said-- exactly-- exactly my thoughts and feelings as well. Thank you for being brave enough to share them with us, and especially having such a PROFOUND revelation. I have felt/thought the same, but never put it into words like you have. I now, too, have the "a-ha!" moment thanks to you. :)

So I never again want to mix sex and loved-ones. It is just too painful. Either let me love you completely and deeply with no sex at all, or we will be having just straight sex with no real intimacy at all. The alternative involves a very uncomfortable grey area.

Simply brilliant. Truly. And it totally describes my last relationship with my ex-b/f (all sex, no love) and my current one with my b/f (no penetration, all love).

 

[Jen]

I'm definitely with Tarot on this one. I can't believe what I have just read, things just seem to of fallen in to place a little. A connection that I have never made before. Thank you Megnut.

I have also had massive issues with eye contact. Not just in sex but also just in regular conversation with people. I didnt know why this was though until recently when I read my diary from when I was younger. In it I described feeling uncomfortable with making eye contact as I was worried people would look through me and see the hurt and the shame.

Now this is not a conscious thing. Until I'd read my diary I didn't even know the reason why I had these problems. It's strange how things can become normal and become a part of who you are without you knowing directly what has caused this and what shapes you as a person.

x

 

[Anna]

When I have a crush on someone I normally fantasise about wild crazy sex, normally somewhere outdoors where it is "forbidden". I don't like romantic stuff at all.

 

[Ice_Fire]

When I have a crush on someone I normally fantasise about wild crazy sex, normally somewhere outdoors where it is "forbidden". I don't like romantic stuff at all.

Yep, same here. I imagine that me and 'x' are either outside or somewhere else we shouldn't be...as if the risk of getting caught is...good? I don't know. Maybe it's because I always wished someone would 'catch' the people abusing me????

 

[Tarot]

Oh wow ice fire!!! That makes a lot of sense. I'm the same way. My ex bf could never understand why I was like that with public places. Brilliant!