It's been an amazing forum morning for me, gosh. I clicked on this thread thinking it was about a different tangent of this subject and ended up having my thinking torqued all the heck all over the place. The forum ( for me ) can't BE about having my head stuffed up my backside, always looking for some answer to pain. Life isn't about 'Me' no matter what all the commercials on TV tell us. But. Thank you for this thread. I've been wildly enlightened and validated up the proverbial gazoo by all of you. Please also excuse by the length of this post? it's not at all cool to usurp someone's thread with ' me me me', am doing it because shared experiences are awfully, awfully helpful. Who knows who reads this stuff, you know?
Through ALL the traumas, there was this seed telling me quite, quite soldily that NO, none of this was deserved. Even later, when therapy was begun, I had kind of a tough time convincing that therapist that I really did NOT think I deserved to have the stuffing beaten out of me. I accept the massive mistake as mine, that I married that homicidal *sswipe, but deserve what he did to me and my family? Nope.
This thread made me catch my breath because one of the things which come out of me in sheer sobs these days is ' I didn't DO anything '. And I did not, my parents did not, my husband has not nor my children yet we are quite literally under attack by abusers. I had an awesome childhood, go figure. Here's the thing, in case it would be helpful to anyone. Even then, there was a manipulative, baffling and unbelievably insidious sociopath perculating in the family unit. Flashes of kindness hid masked the identiy, we rode on towards pretty much doom unaware. I've quite seriously been able to track an awful, awful lot of unhealthy self-image back to being raised with a poisonous sibling who took every oppurtunity to ensure I developed into someone with zero self-esteem. Boy would that enrage her, she's carefully re-written history to figure my father as the monster. I'm actually a little worried. SO much of her current construct depends on this myth that my genuine memories are standing between her and her ability to maintain her reality in front of her 'fan base'. Little concerned I may have to 'go', and no, that isn't at all paranoid, you'd have to know what's up out here. She's completely capable of convincing herself this would be justified, too, like she DID justify to her children and 'fan base' that my parents really should go die. Again, not paranoid. This is where we are in what used to try to be a normal family. No, I did NOT deserve her, somehow had the idea in my head I did not deserve ANY of 'it'.
Gosh, also do not know what to do with it frequently. Validation helps. a. I'm not crazy. b. I'm not alone. c. I've done the right thing.
PLEASE do excuse the long post on your thread. I think if I were in the same situation, with the same circumstances, I'd move far away. I once did, in point of fact. No one could figure out why on earth I went SO far away for 5 years, 3,000 miles, did not really write much. I don't think I knew, either, I just felt so FREE for some reason. I now know it was what amounted to escape from all that judgement, meaness and plain old control, NOT my parents, it was my sister and her domineering hold on the family. It's now run amuck like they all do given free rein. Hope you find somewhere just beautiful! :)
