When You Understand You Didn't Deserve It

[DharmaGirl]

(((((Gizmo and P-no)))))

 

[ericaboo]

I thought, intellectually, I understood that things weren't my fault, but then it hit me on a much deeper level.

I finally started interacting with people who actually treated me kindly, and the realization of the damage done and the dreams destroyed put me into a full on crisis.

I believe that this is a good thing - a breakthrough in my healing process that I can actually see how deep the damage goes and be truthful about it, with myself and others...

It's a shame I have to be drugged to the eyeballs to cope with the feelings, but I hope to move through this stage in time...

 

[maddog]

Living with the onslaught of grief associated with the realisation that you weren't to blame, is perhaps one of my greatest fears of grieving. I don't know why, but instinctively I know that to truly accept that I was not to blame, that I was an innocent victim of unspeakable cruelty and that my entire life has been damaged and perhaps even destroyed through the fault of people who hated rather than loved me... well, to truly accept that offers me a sniff of a grief so enormous and all-consuming that I'm not sure I will be able to survive it.

I know people do, and it's supposed to be doable, but for now, my fear is so great that I know it is shutting down my brain and standing in the way of my processing - perhaps my greatest barrier to true trauma processing.

I know this intellectually, at long last, but what to do about it is a much scarier consideration.

Maddog

 

[p-no]

I can actually see how deep the damage goes and be truthful about it, with myself and others...

I can relate to all you're saying, ericaboo. So far, I've managed without drugs (prescribed ones, "I'm on beer and wine", sometimes, so I can sleep). I wonder how long I will be able to manage. I make mistakes at work. Feelings knock me over the edge out of the blue and I've caught myself thinking frequently that if I really have to stay in reality and accept it as is and has been (and will be), I will not be able to keep working. Literally.

 

[ericaboo]

if I really have to stay in reality and accept it as is and has been (and will be), I will not be able to keep working. Literally.

That's a big concern for me as well, and sometimes I have to take a break from processing the trauma in order to hold it together. I've told my therapist and psychiatrist that keeping my job is first priority, and they seem to be on board with that.

 

[anonymous]

I don't have any trouble understanding I didn't deserve it. It's the believing part I have trouble with. How to believe you didn't deserve it?..... 20 years later I still have no idea.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I now realize that I did not deserve any of it. I was too busy surviving to think about what was going on. I acted out my rage in my teenage years. I hurt myself in my ignorance. I did not know how to think for myself or take good care of myself.

I was kept in a small box by my parents and whenever I escaped the box I would get myself in trouble. I did not have fun growing up.

I have had fun since I moved out of my parents home. I have had a life. I was still to naive and gullible and trusting and I got bogged down trying to get people to understand me.

It was a big chunk of my life. I do not try to get people to understand me anymore. I figure it is not any of their buisiness.

I am just me now. I go slow. I have finally learned the wisdom of keeping my mouth shut. It is very peaceful now. It has taken my whole life to get to this point.

 

[ericaboo]

I thought I was past it all, but then it all came rushing back... Now I realize there is no getting "past" it, I'm going to have to learn how to live with it...

 

[Britt.f7]

I think I tend to wonder what I did to deserve it. That whatever it was I did, it must have been awful.

Logically, I know that I did nothing to deserve it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Slowly realizing that I did not deserve it. I am starting to put the blame back where it belongs. This takes away the overwhelmning hurt feelings. I did not deserve any of it. I had sick and dysfunctional abusive parents.

Sometimes things happen in my adult life that throw me into an emotional flashback. Once I realize this, I can deal with the recent issues better. I hate being thrown into the past. I guess I get triggered by a major stressor and that will do it every time.

 

[DharmaGirl]

When I think I didn't deserve it, and it was just the roll of the dice that found me in a highly disfunctional family, I feel worse. There is no order there and I like order. I want a reason why I was tortured and raped and laughed at and told I was sickening anddisgusting. I want a little girls brush set to see how hard I would have to hit something to break it. I want a regular brush to see how hard I would have to hit it to break it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I did not deserve what happened to me. But it is a fact of my life that it happened. I am so angry at my dad, I hate him so much. He was such a creep. I am getting a clear picture of him. He was gross and disgusting. He was selfish and self centered. He was a bully and a big coward to pick on helpless little kids. He is dead and I never got to tell him about how i feel about what he did to me. He got in between me and my mom and prevented us from having a relationship. I am getting a clearer picture of my mom too. She was a pathetic alcoholic. She was cruel and harsh with her words towards me.

They were a team and worked together. They were so toxic. I am nothing like either of them. Somewhere along the way as a child I must have made a decision not to be like them.