When You Understand You Didn't Deserve It

[Britt.f7]

I want a little girls brust set to see how hard I would have to hit something to break it. I want a regular brush to see how hard I would have to hit it to break it

Once, when I was a young girl, my mom was spanking me with a wooden spoon. She must have been going crazy on me, like she often did, because I turned to stop her. When I did her swing it me in the face with the spoon. It broke. You know what's interesting, I remember the shocked look on her face when it happened, but not whether she actually stopped her momentum.

Somewhere along the way as a child I must have made a decision not to be like them.

I think I did the same thing. My dad usually made comments about how a person to be, especially when he went through his holier then thou stage. I took many of those comments to heart and try to be that person. I know he is not that person. He has good qualities, but he is a hypocrite.

I fought very hard not to be the negative aspects of my family. I think I did a fairly good job, but it has certainly been work.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Britt you can say that again, that it has been alot of work. I live in fear and terror of being like them. I have heard that when you are aware of a fear that you will do something, odds are you will not do it because you are aware of it.

It is unawareness that we make the bad mistakes. So I try to be as aware as I can.

 

[p-no]

On my way home from t, doing really bad. I know now, why it so tears me apart. I am starting to have empathy and compassion with myself, lots of it. That empathy and compassion, for those things that have so severely come up, do not feel good, just rotten. It means setting the whole picture straight, me having been among people and utterly alone. I was *really* surrounded by assholes only. And now I am getting myself drunk.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear p-no, it really will gt a Whole Lot Better, after you've been able to feel this.

(((((((Big Gentle Bear Hug)))))))), xoxoxox.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm so sorry P-no, it sucks for us.

 

[intothelight]

For a long time I understood intellectually that I didn't deserve it, but at an emotional level I didn't believe it. When I finally started to believe it, the anger came. But the strangest thing was, the anger was directed at myself, as I thought myself a fool for all of that time. In addition, my denial resulted in the injury to others. I held myself accountable for a lot.

Then the anger faded and I had to deal with the hurt, betrayal, disappointment, grief, etc. that were the real causes of the anger. In some ways it was easier to be mad than to feel this range of emotion, but just as the "negative" emotions are being felt, so now are the positive emotions.

Sometimes they are all so overwhelming, I have to set aside a time to process and keep it to that time frame so I don't get completely knocked sideways. This has helped me to continue functioning, but also to deal with things that I need to deal with.

 

[Britt.f7]

I think I always had an inkling that I didn't deserve it, but I didn't always feel it. I think it took watching my children grow to see the child I was and know I didn't deserve it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I like what ITL and Britt have said. I don't really have much of an internal way to intellectualize- inside-out -but I do trust what a couple of people say, and sometimes can believe or see it that way, outside-in, if that makes sense. Or comparing it to what I would do or more importantly think or want if I had my own children, or for any child. I guess it's a little harder for me to seperate what, well I can't even say it, "Wasn't ideal", with what I did wrong in response, or how much was my fault. But then, being a kid am not sure how much was my 'fault'.

(((((Hugs p-no, All))))).

 

[blue-Ocean]

When my dad was hitting me, I would refuse to cry out in pain and cry. I would not give my dad the satisfaction that he was winning over me

Same here, I did not cry because I didn't want him to think he was hurting me so like many abused kids I took it. Even when he broke my bones I never whimpered but by the point of breaking bones I had become "numb with grief". It gets to that point where crying wont even happen no matter how scared or upset we become.

The numbness makes us feel we deserve it but now I realise I did not, nobody deserves to live in fear, so now I remind myself often that I did not deserve it. Child abusers deserve the punishment they get for inflicting injury and pain on children. The memories stays with us into adult hood but by reminding ourselves we didn't deserve it we can win the abusers as it helps us move on, something they won't want us to be able to do.

 

[Tinyflame]

((((Blue-Ocean, and everyone who could use a hug)))))).

 

[p-no]

it really will gt a Whole Lot Better,

I appreciate your post, Junebug. It's just that sometimes things don't get better. Some people don't make it to betterland. Not meaning to offend, just meaning to see life for what it is. And there just isn't any certainty in that things will get better, just because they must or should.

And I still can't come to terms with reality. I am not talking about things that happened. They happend alright. They're over, too. But it was those traumatic experiences that set the direction into which I headed, automatically. They say you can change your present. But what if you've tried and tried and tried. What if all you want is one genuinely kind person in your real life who cares about you (cares not just feelings- but actions-wise). Someone who will call, just because they want to know what's going on with you. Just because you matter? And you can't find any people like that, other than your t who gets paid for seeing you. I am sick and tired of finding joy in the little things. A butterfly can't make up for years and years of pain.

 

[p-no]

the anger came

I can identify a lot with what you wrote, intothelight. I am scared of myself, there is such a lot of anger.