Where am i going?

[EveHarrington]

Thanks for the hug. I really need it.

Well I thought I needed a break, hoped on a plane and came t...

Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean so much of an escape break as much as a break from actively working on our problems. Sometimes our systems are so agitated that we need to take a break and just “be”.

 

[nowthisisme]

Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean so much of an escape break as much as a break from actively working on...

Ya .. I took the escape route lol
I wish I can just "be" .. my brain is constantly on the run, it's really not allowing me to take a breath and relax. I have an appointment with a physiologist in March maybe she can play around with my medication and help out with that .. I just need to take a deep breath and relax. No sleep is killing me, I got less then 3 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours ..

But I'll be OK .. we always come out of this .. there's always light on the other side, I just need to keep reminding myself .. :hug: thank you

many of us have accepted we have PTSD and just do the work

I didn't accept it ....
That right there is my problem, I've never accepted it, I thought I did but i truly didn't. Ha i just erased 6 months of therapy :cautious:
Time to start all over .. I need a reset button

 

[ladee]

Doesn't mean that the 6 months of therapy was for nothing... you still learned some things, you did learn to open up a little, time we spend on finding our answers is never wasted.... so be proud you stayed the 6 months.... some of my best lessons were 'side trips'.... this is not a straight path for any of us... there is no shame in having PTSD.... that's why being here helps us with that.... everyone understands.... and supports...

And we hit 'reset' many times, just part of the journey... doesn't mean we did anything wrong, or that we didn't try hard enough, we just have to go back and get what we missed the first time... sounds simple the way I put it, and it's not... but always remind yourself, you are not alone..

 

[Deleted member 37868]

I don't know where this road is taking me. What's the point of all this? The journey to "heal".. wh...

I’ve felt similar I think to what you are describing here, it’s almost like you put into words what I couldn’t. It’s like When?! When will I stop waiting around for real life to begin, what if all my pain an struggles really means nothing what if this is just it? I still feel like this quite often, just s dull what is the point of this? I’m gonna say for me personally the first round of therapy was not helpful, and I’m one of those odd ppl who really do need to do things on my own, in my own way. I spent years in eating disorder treatment and it made me worse, I’m recovered now 6 years and I did it without help, I recovered on the day I decided to recover after reading 2 books that changed my life, they were literature, the kite runner and white oleander. Anyways what I’m saying is there’s no one way to get better, maybe it’s not by the book for you too! By all means if you connect well with your therapist continue! But the human mind is incredibly powerful, finding something that fascinates you outside of focusing on your trauma might be helpful, for me it’s everything, university and philosophy in particular saved my life, and still does cause I’m a mess most of the time, reading and writing is a reason to live for me. Find something that makes you forget about yourself, or time, or your pain at least for a while each day. I’m no doctor this isn’t medical advice but I feel like it’s so important! I hope you get all the good days and good hours you deserve, and don’t forget you deserve them .

 

[nowthisisme]

Doesn't mean that the 6 months of therapy was for nothing... you still learned some things, you did learn...

Thank you for your reply, your support means a lot to me. It's been a tough ride with a lot of "side trips". Some days i wake up thinking i have the strength to take on anything and some days I can't get out of bed. My days are roller coaster rides, I just go along the ride, I can be extremely excited for a while and all of a sudden I just can't talk anymore. I feel like I'm out cold, I talk to myself but I just can't get words out. I completely shut down.

I'm tired of this, the acting, the pretending that everything is ok when it's not. Every minute is a struggle, I just spent 2 hours at a relative's house, we talked, ate, laughted.. It was so pleasant and fun to be around them. But in order to stay focused i had to go to the washroom and wash my face a few times. I would simply zone out for a few mintues. I'm really good at hiding my pain to the point where I think I'm faking everything.
I get angry at myself for being in pain, for letting what happened to me control my life and prevent me form truly enjoying the moment. So many people suffered and are currently suffering; hunger, sexual abuse, physical or mental abuse, torture, homeless
.etc this is happening now to others, what happened to me was 24 years ago... why the hell am i allowing it to haunt me, why can't I be strong enough to deal with it.

My body is giving up on me, I lost memory, focuse, and the ability to comprehend anything. I suffer from chronic migraines, body aches, fatigue, chest pain, and insomnia. My nightmares are more intense and sometimes not related to my abuse but of my loved ones. My flashbacks are random and intense. Last week I yawned and had a flashback that paralyzed me. I'm still trying to figure out my triggers and connect with my body but I'm finding it very difficult after all these years i don't know who i am anymore.

I lost so much of my life, I lost the life i could of had ..

** sorry i rambled on :oops:

I’ve felt similar I think to what you are describing here, it’s almost like you put into words...

I'm so glad you found what works for you! You gave me hope.

I am trying to give myself some time but i have yet to find what makes me happy and to feel "in the moment".

I had absolutely no idea what PTSD was and no knowledge about mental health issues. My brother suffered from depression and i didn't understand him, I thought he was overreaching.. :unsure:

My primary doctor pushed me to see my T, I have been jumping from one specialist to another to figure out whats wrong with me. It was hard for me to accept PTSD and to educate myself about it.

I'm still at the beginning of my journey and it kinda sucks :hungover:

Thank you for ur post ;)

 

[ladee]

It sucks, but now you know what the issues are.... YOU are not PTSD, you HAVE PTSD.... and the beginning is rough... whether we have had it all our lives, as I have, or we just found out... I think I prefer mine... it was a relief to find out... as compared to being blind sided all these years later.... and because you had a 'before' life... it is very very hard to reconcile to the fact that now, now, you have to deal with this....

And I'm so happy you are here.....You reached out at the beginning.... we are not promising some of this won't be hard, because we would be dong you a disservice otherwise... but we are promising , you are not alone, we do understand, and we hear you...

Peer support is priceless... because we have been there, or are there now, or will be there eventually...

Hope one of the first things you pursue with your T is learning grounding techniques.... how to do some self care, many of us do not learn this at the beginning of this ride... so we struggle more.. but then we learn... and practicing to stay in the moment... that does take a lot of practice...

And yes, all the things you named are going on right this minute... but so is your pain, confusion, and struggles... feels selfish, but if we don't work to save 'self', then there is no point to the pain....

Things will start to make a little sense... just keep coming here, going to your T, reading about PTSD, but also, give yourself a break too...I walk in nature when it all just gets too real.... you will read many many ways here, to take care of yourself...

Glad you are here, if not glad for the reasons.... gentle hugs if you accept...

 

[Deleted member 37868]

It sucks, but now you know what the issues are.... YOU are not PTSD, you HAVE PTSD.... and the beginning...

I love this! It’s so true too! And the support on here is absolutely amazing, any time you need to you can post from your phone, wherever you are, any time of day.