- Post starter
- #13
CabraVerde
Bronze Member
Duck HIM!!! I'm going to go cuddle with my duck, Buck!!! Let the world fall apart! I will pursue love!!! And MORE!!!
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Where I Need To Be? At Last?
- Post starter CabraVerde
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- Post starter
- #14
CabraVerde
Bronze Member
But yeah, it was so much easier dissociating before. All of this would be nothing now, because I just would be physically present, and not feeling anything really. Now, I am stuck with feelings, past, present, and future, and I don't really like it....any of it. But this is healing, I guess. Now I feel, too much, inappropriately at times, remembering the past (that others would like to put away), etc. I guess that the positives are that I see more. I used to just 'see' things objectively, whereas I now get into the whole color and feelings of things...like 2D to 3D. It's great for art, but relating to other people? Same stuff, really. Might as well be from different planets, in truth. But yeah, if someone had told me about (tried to sell me on having...) emotions with therapy, I don't know that I would have done it. I only really started working on my issues with my husband, and that has now become a joke, really. I don't see myself as wanting a relationship with anyone in the future, so what's the point of 3D? I'd rather be dissociating, and so much more functional...like I was before.
- Post starter
- #15
CabraVerde
Bronze Member
I kind of want to go back there. Dissociating forever. I'm not interested in a relationship with anyone, so what would be the point of having feelings? They only hurt me and everyone else, no? But I guess, that once you open that door, you can't really go back. Sad! I really wish that I hadn't opened that door. My parents didn't give me any insights about my feelings, condemned my feelings, belittled my feelings, and I learned to live without my feelings...and I was doing pretty dang good at that until I got myself talked into a relationship. Reading Rollo May's book, Man's Search for Himself, I understand now that happiness and love comes from within....and until I find myself, I really can't have a relationship with anyone. I don't know; I guess that it will all work out in the end, but it sucks to have feelings now.
Eleanor
Diamond Member
Hi Cabra, I am sorry that you are. in so much pain AND I am glad you are choosing a new direction for your life.
Here is my understanding: feelings are better than no feelings. Ideally we feel what is relevant to here and now, and don't get swamped by old stuff or anticipation of future stuff. That makes it manageable. Think of emotions as like tennis balls - if you had lots of them coming from all over - that would be objectively horrible. You just want the one coming over the net at a time. And if you miss... you miss. no big deal.
Sounds like you have done a great job of clearing out. Now: what are you going to build in its place?
Best wishes
Here is my understanding: feelings are better than no feelings. Ideally we feel what is relevant to here and now, and don't get swamped by old stuff or anticipation of future stuff. That makes it manageable. Think of emotions as like tennis balls - if you had lots of them coming from all over - that would be objectively horrible. You just want the one coming over the net at a time. And if you miss... you miss. no big deal.
Sounds like you have done a great job of clearing out. Now: what are you going to build in its place?
Best wishes
- Post starter
- #19
CabraVerde
Bronze Member
Thank YOU all so much!!! And Thank YOU likewise, Eleanor, Philip, and NIKI! (((HUGS))) :)
I did got to work today, after the Bossman called me up this morning and asked me about 1), 2), and 3)...(ref: my existential meltdown). Apparently I had decided to throw down with the Bossman, question his treatment of me, as well as my future employment with him...on the Indian New Year! He suggested that I might be a bad omen, and that sort of evoked my horns. Back information for everyone: I do actually enjoy my job, working in hospitality, 2nd shift; I just don't always like the Bossman's and Bosslady's treatment of me, because I do know that I am being underpaid for my talents, as I am not only intelligent but also a polyglot (studied in four languages).
In today's world, this is sort of becoming non-plus, because some of us will seek out our 'best fits' in employment and thus accept the accompanying pay...and everyone is getting paid less these days, overall. I am significantly more fortunate than a lot of people, because I do work in a field which I enjoy, because with the in/out of people, I am always meeting someone new, from somewhere else, with different information. I do like being intellectually and culturally stimulated.
And just this week, this guy passed me on this information:
The 'One Minute Cure' and 'Solfeggio Frequencies'
Before...I learned about this link at my WP (workplace): www. story of stuff .com, and I can't imagine how many other people I have forwarded that information onto as well.
In summation: Do you throw the baby out, with the bathwater?
In fact, right now, I am making a little extra money in doing some washing/drying/folding work out of my home for a guest.
So, no, I didn't do 'it' as planned, though I do still firmly believe in the 'concept' of knocking off bad employers for the point of moving forward for oneself. I think that I was in black/white thinking last night, because of what I had recently found out about my husband and my mother (parents); Bossman is not perfect, barely moral, but I get something more out of my job besides just a paycheck (and maybe even him, Bossman). Maybe it seems like I lied, but I was very conflicted about my relationships with others (black/white thinking, throwing the baby out with the bathwater) for the past 5-7 days. I mean, don't get me wrong, because there are just irritations all along the way, but again, I think my PTSD makes me this sort of person who records the irritations in my head, saying nothing, until the point that I just BLOW. "Normal" people (no one is 'normal' really), who don't have PTSD, probably tend to deal with irritations/transgressions in a 'real time' manner, where I am just left questioning my feelings, whether or not my feelings are even relevant at all....and when I finally think that I have a 'case', I probably blow up more, for the time factor, making even the 'non-PTSDs' accountable somehow for my lag. This, I don't think is fair, from my end, even if I can understand my behavior, thinking, feelings, and motivations...because the 'Non-PTSDs' can't see what hit them when 'I blow', and thus they can't even began to relate to my feelings. Again, this NEW realm of feelings! Where is the instruction manual that my parents forgot to give me?! ;)
We are all teachers; we are all students! :)
I am wishing all of YOU, PEACE, LOVE, and PROSPERITY!!!
Thank YOU all again!!! I am where I need to be! :)
- Post starter
- #20
CabraVerde
Bronze Member
And really, Thank YOU, Eleanor! I am an ENTJ, so I should be taking these emotional hurdles as a challenge to surmount. I am trying...and learning in the process.
The hardest thing for me, really and recently, is that I will try to 'logically' explain my feelings to someone else, and then I have this sort of breakdown/flashback, to when my mother was demeaning me before for having 'feelings.' I will start talking, and then my voice breaks, and then I can't talk, and I'll start crying. At that moment, the back-tapes of HER will start rolling, and I feel like a 'fake.' It really bothers the 'observers', however, because I guess that they see me kind of breaking into a convoluted mess, while I am meanwhile trying to get my scheisse 'back together', because SHE's always telling me in the back-tapes of my head, "You are a fake!"
A lot of this, remembering, struggling, so on and so forth, just really reaffirms my belief that my mother is a narcissist: I'm the fake, because she can only be the real one with real feelings (there cannot be two of us in her realm!).
I do have some good friends here, and I'm finally talking about a lot of stuff that I've never talked about before about my mother. As my good friend from HS says, "You'll be getting a lot of flashbacks now...since you've engaged 'no contact' with her for the 4th time."
I always thought HE was my primary problem, because he was more overt, I guess; but really, the scheisse my mother did to me is bizarre, other-worldly, and totally contradictory (MIND DUCK!).
What am I saying? She's a narcissist! There's really no other explanation for what she did to me, or us, save the garnering of narcissistic supply for herself. Just mind-boggling, really...and I still feel that hold from her, that it's still my fault, that I just couldn't love my mother enough. Ughhhhhh!!!
But yes, again, Thank YOU, Eleanor! A lot of stuff to heal from for me, from the parents to the subsequent two abusive marital relationships I was involved in.
It will resolve, with time. Peace, Love, and Prosperity! :)
The hardest thing for me, really and recently, is that I will try to 'logically' explain my feelings to someone else, and then I have this sort of breakdown/flashback, to when my mother was demeaning me before for having 'feelings.' I will start talking, and then my voice breaks, and then I can't talk, and I'll start crying. At that moment, the back-tapes of HER will start rolling, and I feel like a 'fake.' It really bothers the 'observers', however, because I guess that they see me kind of breaking into a convoluted mess, while I am meanwhile trying to get my scheisse 'back together', because SHE's always telling me in the back-tapes of my head, "You are a fake!"
A lot of this, remembering, struggling, so on and so forth, just really reaffirms my belief that my mother is a narcissist: I'm the fake, because she can only be the real one with real feelings (there cannot be two of us in her realm!).
I do have some good friends here, and I'm finally talking about a lot of stuff that I've never talked about before about my mother. As my good friend from HS says, "You'll be getting a lot of flashbacks now...since you've engaged 'no contact' with her for the 4th time."
I always thought HE was my primary problem, because he was more overt, I guess; but really, the scheisse my mother did to me is bizarre, other-worldly, and totally contradictory (MIND DUCK!).
What am I saying? She's a narcissist! There's really no other explanation for what she did to me, or us, save the garnering of narcissistic supply for herself. Just mind-boggling, really...and I still feel that hold from her, that it's still my fault, that I just couldn't love my mother enough. Ughhhhhh!!!
But yes, again, Thank YOU, Eleanor! A lot of stuff to heal from for me, from the parents to the subsequent two abusive marital relationships I was involved in.
It will resolve, with time. Peace, Love, and Prosperity! :)
Eleanor
Diamond Member
Cabra, I don't have the "instruction manual" for having emotions. I'm not a physchiatrist or a psychologist or anything (I am a philosopher actually) I have, however, made something of a study of the nature of emotions. Here is the model that works best for me.
1) Emotion and reason are two aspects of the same thing - mental life. (Like velocity and direction are two aspects of motion.)
2) Reason/thoughts are transient - they don't last very long at all, although they can be repeated for as long as necessary.
3) Emotions are also transient - but they last longer. For the average "normal" person the half life of a strong emotion is about ten minutes - so if someone is really pissed off and you wait twenty minutes (and don't provoke them in the meantime) they should be on to the next emotion. It is, however, possible to keep an emotion going by retriggering it as it subsides (like keeping a tennis ball in the air with a tennis racket.)
4) Emotions are involuntary (like sneezing) in the moment. They are trainable over the long run.
5) All emotions must be felt to be released. They need not, however, be felt NOW. It is possible to stifle one's emotions and store them up for later feeling, in which case they will tend to take somewhat longer to "feel throuogh" and might feel more intense than they would if they were felt at the time. They can also be stacked up (as you've discovered!) by not reacting to the same sorts of things a lot of times and then blowing the whole thing at one time. (not recommended.) The longer emotions are stored, the more "interest" one pays on them. The half life, however does not increase much so, even with old "impacted" emotions, intense experience of them still subsides within 30 minutes at the outside. (Unless one is retriggered.)
Two things come to mind as I re-read your posts:
1) You managed to train yourself NOT to experience emotions in real time as a defense (and an impressive feat that is, if I may say so) So you have more than a bit of backlog at a guess. A therapist of the right sort could help clear this out faster than just regular life would (and likely with less disruption to your existing life and relationships.) Both will do it eventually tho. My own therapist has taught me to just feel the stuff "clean" ly - with as little in the way of thinking about it as possible. Her technique is to locate the feeling in the body, and then find out what it is saying (short, sweet to the point things bodies say, like "I hate you" or "I am not good enough" or "Go Away" that kind of thing) and then repeat that while feeling until the energy shifts. Then keep repeating until bored. That usually does it. I'd give you an example from my life, except I'm pretty good at clearing now so I can't remember any of the troublesome things. Really.
2) You say; "I think my PTSD makes me this sort of person who records the irritations in my head, saying nothing, until the point that I just BLOW. "Normal" people (no one is 'normal' really), who don't have PTSD, probably tend to deal with irritations/transgressions in a 'real time' manner, where I am just left questioning my feelings, whether or not my feelings are even relevant at all....and when I finally think that I have a 'case', I probably blow up more, for the time factor, making even the 'non-PTSDs' accountable somehow for my lag." To which I reply, "If Only!" Nice hypothesis, and wrong. If only it WERE only PTSD that caused people to do this there would be much less of it. Unhappily THIS is a perfectly normal (if not very laudable or desirable) habit. I don't have PTSD (my husband does) but I have been around this ugly little block enough times to have a couple of T-shirts. Real time processing is what my meditation teacher calls "Advanced Practice." So congratulations on graduating from being an Intermediate! (Very Advanced Practice, in case you are wondering, includes things like tiger training, visiting with one's family, or negotiating peace in the middle east... that kind of thing.)
Ok, one more thing, although this might just be projection on my part...(like the rest might not be :-)) It sounds like you might be a tad disoriented in time because of the backlog. The time orientation stuff is something that Philip Zimbardo (famous for the Stanford Prison experiment among other things) has done work on recently. You can get the flavor of it in his TED talk (search for Zimbardo - it is the one on time, he has done several.) (tried to give the web address, won't let me - I'm too junior - but this is an easy search...)
Finally, and just out of idle curiosity really, since you have four languages does your emotional state shift if you change languages? Glad you still have a job. Set good boundaries for yourself, even at work. Sorry about your duck by the way - your response there didn't seem at all over the top to me. I cried for three days straight when my first cat died when I was 11. I was in shock for a week when my first horse died when I was 39 (don't know where I was but don't recall more than an hour and half between one thurday and the next.) Just saying.
Best,
Eleanor
1) Emotion and reason are two aspects of the same thing - mental life. (Like velocity and direction are two aspects of motion.)
2) Reason/thoughts are transient - they don't last very long at all, although they can be repeated for as long as necessary.
3) Emotions are also transient - but they last longer. For the average "normal" person the half life of a strong emotion is about ten minutes - so if someone is really pissed off and you wait twenty minutes (and don't provoke them in the meantime) they should be on to the next emotion. It is, however, possible to keep an emotion going by retriggering it as it subsides (like keeping a tennis ball in the air with a tennis racket.)
4) Emotions are involuntary (like sneezing) in the moment. They are trainable over the long run.
5) All emotions must be felt to be released. They need not, however, be felt NOW. It is possible to stifle one's emotions and store them up for later feeling, in which case they will tend to take somewhat longer to "feel throuogh" and might feel more intense than they would if they were felt at the time. They can also be stacked up (as you've discovered!) by not reacting to the same sorts of things a lot of times and then blowing the whole thing at one time. (not recommended.) The longer emotions are stored, the more "interest" one pays on them. The half life, however does not increase much so, even with old "impacted" emotions, intense experience of them still subsides within 30 minutes at the outside. (Unless one is retriggered.)
Two things come to mind as I re-read your posts:
1) You managed to train yourself NOT to experience emotions in real time as a defense (and an impressive feat that is, if I may say so) So you have more than a bit of backlog at a guess. A therapist of the right sort could help clear this out faster than just regular life would (and likely with less disruption to your existing life and relationships.) Both will do it eventually tho. My own therapist has taught me to just feel the stuff "clean" ly - with as little in the way of thinking about it as possible. Her technique is to locate the feeling in the body, and then find out what it is saying (short, sweet to the point things bodies say, like "I hate you" or "I am not good enough" or "Go Away" that kind of thing) and then repeat that while feeling until the energy shifts. Then keep repeating until bored. That usually does it. I'd give you an example from my life, except I'm pretty good at clearing now so I can't remember any of the troublesome things. Really.
2) You say; "I think my PTSD makes me this sort of person who records the irritations in my head, saying nothing, until the point that I just BLOW. "Normal" people (no one is 'normal' really), who don't have PTSD, probably tend to deal with irritations/transgressions in a 'real time' manner, where I am just left questioning my feelings, whether or not my feelings are even relevant at all....and when I finally think that I have a 'case', I probably blow up more, for the time factor, making even the 'non-PTSDs' accountable somehow for my lag." To which I reply, "If Only!" Nice hypothesis, and wrong. If only it WERE only PTSD that caused people to do this there would be much less of it. Unhappily THIS is a perfectly normal (if not very laudable or desirable) habit. I don't have PTSD (my husband does) but I have been around this ugly little block enough times to have a couple of T-shirts. Real time processing is what my meditation teacher calls "Advanced Practice." So congratulations on graduating from being an Intermediate! (Very Advanced Practice, in case you are wondering, includes things like tiger training, visiting with one's family, or negotiating peace in the middle east... that kind of thing.)
Ok, one more thing, although this might just be projection on my part...(like the rest might not be :-)) It sounds like you might be a tad disoriented in time because of the backlog. The time orientation stuff is something that Philip Zimbardo (famous for the Stanford Prison experiment among other things) has done work on recently. You can get the flavor of it in his TED talk (search for Zimbardo - it is the one on time, he has done several.) (tried to give the web address, won't let me - I'm too junior - but this is an easy search...)
Finally, and just out of idle curiosity really, since you have four languages does your emotional state shift if you change languages? Glad you still have a job. Set good boundaries for yourself, even at work. Sorry about your duck by the way - your response there didn't seem at all over the top to me. I cried for three days straight when my first cat died when I was 11. I was in shock for a week when my first horse died when I was 39 (don't know where I was but don't recall more than an hour and half between one thurday and the next.) Just saying.
Best,
Eleanor
- Post starter
- #22
CabraVerde
Bronze Member
Thank YOU, Eleanor, for your response! What you have written makes a lot of sense to me; although I am not 'studied' in the various philosophical 'thoughts', I have been keeping a running journal of my own reflections on life for the past 6-7 years (now about 700-800 pages).
I had a good shift at work this evening, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in weeks. I am really starting to believe that this most recent 'break' from my mother has opened me up emotionally in ways that the previous three hadn't. It's hard to explain really, because I am still trying to process all of my most recent 'insights' about her, about the abuse, and about my own emotions.
Philip had asked me if I have a T, and I do/did (?). I probably need to schedule another appointment with her, but our last session was kind of 'vague'...where she was seemingly following a guidebook for therapeutic protocol, and I felt compelled to ask her at the end of it all, "So, am I making sense?!" I just didn't feel like we were dealing with the REAL issues in therapy, and particularly that day. She was 'hit on', nevertheless, the previous week, when I had explained to her a potentially dangerous situation in which I had found myself, and how I basically flipped it around to take back my own 'power and control', so there's also the potential that I was blocked somehow in relating to her in our last session (It's a whole 'story' in truth, and I was dealing with some fallout that following week from the 'situation', so it's likely...hmmmmm.....I just realized something!).
Honestly, I am a bit of my own mystery, as I am now realizing. It's hard for me to be completely 'body conscious' because of the physical and sexual abuse, though I have made significant gains throughout the years. Just amazing to me at this moment, however, is that I was talking about my 'physical state' to my therapist in that last session, but using other means of referencing my 'physical state', and my thoughts and feelings about my 'physical state' at that time. Bizarro! If my T knew, or sensed that, or whatever, she never said anything to me, but then again, maybe it was just as bizarre to her as it is now seeming to me. I mean, it's not that I have DID, at least that I am currently aware of (and I do remember the content of that session), but yes, I must be still dissociating at different levels. Strangely enough, today, it just totally makes sense to me what I was talking about during that session (two levels of thinking/feeling at the same time). And yes, I do need to start working on getting more mind-body unified!
I am aware of a lot of mind-body concepts, because I started to notice things about myself (and my family), and then started researching for answers, and then journaling about my perspectives. Lower back pain/issues=repressed anger. Stomach/intestinal issues=generally repressed emotional content, but specifically anxiety. In my specific case, sinus blockages/URI=I need to CRY! ;)
I am definitely going to read up and study more on the information which you have provided, Eleanor! Thank YOU! :)
Regarding the languages, I am 'studied' in my native language, English, then German and French, and self-taught in Spanish; I have also picked up a few bits and pieces of other languages, given the linguistic connections between those language and the languages which I have studied (i.e., Portuguese and Italian). I don't have a lot of opportunities to use my German anymore, so I am 'rusty'; beyond that, given the contextual time period in which I learned/studied German, and how 'perfect/rigid' I wanted to be at that time (And, German is very structured), I can't say exactly how it would make me feel/think/relate to date, unless I was again fully immersed. French was a 'desire', and I think that I was likewise dating a French guy at that time, but in truth, the fluidity of the language confounded me; I did find out later that I had learned more about the romance languages (French) than I had realized, because I was able to pick up Spanish with relative ease. My first husband was Punjabi, and an Indian diplomat's son, so we bonded on his stay in France and Mauritius (and French), and I likewise picked up a bit of Hindhi/Punjabi from him (very closely connected to German...strangely enough...the written/spoken structure, at least). What I mostly use now at the WP is Spanish, and given that my 2nd husband was Mexican, I can apparently break into some very emotional/poetic episodes with other Spanish-speaking guests. It is bizarre, speaking Spanish, because it's from a specific place inside myself, which has sort of chosen to break free from the emotional constraints of my childhood and native language (English). I am always told that I speak Spanish well, and "How did you learn it?" In truth, I don't give myself too much 'thought' in speaking Spanish, because then I can't say anything (get 'stopped up'). Spanish is a very emotional language, much more fluid in structure than Hindhi or German...and even English. I've had guests at the hotel who can't speak/understand Spanish, watching me in awe when I am speaking to a Spanish-speaking guest in Spanish, and I still can't quite 'get it' yet, because I personally have qualms with my mastery of the language; I honestly don't think that I am speaking correctly, even if the other person appears to be understanding me...but I'd rather attempt a conversation, work it out, learn, than get 'stopped up' to the point of being unable to speak at all. This again, is about my 2nd husband; he was my nightmare and my dream, though I do still credit him a lot with helping me get into therapy, as well as explore certain 'emotions.'
Life is a voyage! :)
Finally, Thank YOU about remembering Rosco (Duck)! Buck, his brother, was attacked too, but survived (there's a whole other story attached to that...but...), and now I am kind of at a loss for helping him. Buck is physically recovering, but I can tell that he's been traumatized (mentally/emotionally), and that he's likewise lonely (I don't speak 'duck'). What to do? How to help him? Eventually, I'll have a good answer...and hopefully sooner rather than later. :(
In defense of the length of this post, I do sometimes tell people at the WP that I am "a self-declared writer, somewhat published, but mostly self-declared." ;)
Peace, Love, and Prosperity, Eleanor! And to all of us...who are working forward! Take Care! :)
I had a good shift at work this evening, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in weeks. I am really starting to believe that this most recent 'break' from my mother has opened me up emotionally in ways that the previous three hadn't. It's hard to explain really, because I am still trying to process all of my most recent 'insights' about her, about the abuse, and about my own emotions.
Philip had asked me if I have a T, and I do/did (?). I probably need to schedule another appointment with her, but our last session was kind of 'vague'...where she was seemingly following a guidebook for therapeutic protocol, and I felt compelled to ask her at the end of it all, "So, am I making sense?!" I just didn't feel like we were dealing with the REAL issues in therapy, and particularly that day. She was 'hit on', nevertheless, the previous week, when I had explained to her a potentially dangerous situation in which I had found myself, and how I basically flipped it around to take back my own 'power and control', so there's also the potential that I was blocked somehow in relating to her in our last session (It's a whole 'story' in truth, and I was dealing with some fallout that following week from the 'situation', so it's likely...hmmmmm.....I just realized something!).
Honestly, I am a bit of my own mystery, as I am now realizing. It's hard for me to be completely 'body conscious' because of the physical and sexual abuse, though I have made significant gains throughout the years. Just amazing to me at this moment, however, is that I was talking about my 'physical state' to my therapist in that last session, but using other means of referencing my 'physical state', and my thoughts and feelings about my 'physical state' at that time. Bizarro! If my T knew, or sensed that, or whatever, she never said anything to me, but then again, maybe it was just as bizarre to her as it is now seeming to me. I mean, it's not that I have DID, at least that I am currently aware of (and I do remember the content of that session), but yes, I must be still dissociating at different levels. Strangely enough, today, it just totally makes sense to me what I was talking about during that session (two levels of thinking/feeling at the same time). And yes, I do need to start working on getting more mind-body unified!
I am aware of a lot of mind-body concepts, because I started to notice things about myself (and my family), and then started researching for answers, and then journaling about my perspectives. Lower back pain/issues=repressed anger. Stomach/intestinal issues=generally repressed emotional content, but specifically anxiety. In my specific case, sinus blockages/URI=I need to CRY! ;)
I am definitely going to read up and study more on the information which you have provided, Eleanor! Thank YOU! :)
Regarding the languages, I am 'studied' in my native language, English, then German and French, and self-taught in Spanish; I have also picked up a few bits and pieces of other languages, given the linguistic connections between those language and the languages which I have studied (i.e., Portuguese and Italian). I don't have a lot of opportunities to use my German anymore, so I am 'rusty'; beyond that, given the contextual time period in which I learned/studied German, and how 'perfect/rigid' I wanted to be at that time (And, German is very structured), I can't say exactly how it would make me feel/think/relate to date, unless I was again fully immersed. French was a 'desire', and I think that I was likewise dating a French guy at that time, but in truth, the fluidity of the language confounded me; I did find out later that I had learned more about the romance languages (French) than I had realized, because I was able to pick up Spanish with relative ease. My first husband was Punjabi, and an Indian diplomat's son, so we bonded on his stay in France and Mauritius (and French), and I likewise picked up a bit of Hindhi/Punjabi from him (very closely connected to German...strangely enough...the written/spoken structure, at least). What I mostly use now at the WP is Spanish, and given that my 2nd husband was Mexican, I can apparently break into some very emotional/poetic episodes with other Spanish-speaking guests. It is bizarre, speaking Spanish, because it's from a specific place inside myself, which has sort of chosen to break free from the emotional constraints of my childhood and native language (English). I am always told that I speak Spanish well, and "How did you learn it?" In truth, I don't give myself too much 'thought' in speaking Spanish, because then I can't say anything (get 'stopped up'). Spanish is a very emotional language, much more fluid in structure than Hindhi or German...and even English. I've had guests at the hotel who can't speak/understand Spanish, watching me in awe when I am speaking to a Spanish-speaking guest in Spanish, and I still can't quite 'get it' yet, because I personally have qualms with my mastery of the language; I honestly don't think that I am speaking correctly, even if the other person appears to be understanding me...but I'd rather attempt a conversation, work it out, learn, than get 'stopped up' to the point of being unable to speak at all. This again, is about my 2nd husband; he was my nightmare and my dream, though I do still credit him a lot with helping me get into therapy, as well as explore certain 'emotions.'
Life is a voyage! :)
Finally, Thank YOU about remembering Rosco (Duck)! Buck, his brother, was attacked too, but survived (there's a whole other story attached to that...but...), and now I am kind of at a loss for helping him. Buck is physically recovering, but I can tell that he's been traumatized (mentally/emotionally), and that he's likewise lonely (I don't speak 'duck'). What to do? How to help him? Eventually, I'll have a good answer...and hopefully sooner rather than later. :(
In defense of the length of this post, I do sometimes tell people at the WP that I am "a self-declared writer, somewhat published, but mostly self-declared." ;)
Peace, Love, and Prosperity, Eleanor! And to all of us...who are working forward! Take Care! :)
- Post starter
- #23
CabraVerde
Bronze Member
I sense a need to add for whatever reason, that I do suffer from a lot of obsessive-compulsive issues. It's probably not only genetic from my father's side of the family (my sister once suggested that he suffers from Asperger's Syndrome...given her studies in Child Psychology), but has likewise probably been enhanced as a coping mechanism from my cumulative childhood abuse.
So, no, things are not perfect here by any means. Eventually, I will just have to go to the more general forum boards to discuss my hoarding (paper/plastics issues), my 'ritualistic' means for dealing with paper/plastics, my destructive obsession/tendencies with my cuticles (which my sister has likewise suggested as being a bizarre form of self-harm/mutilation)...and, Ohhhhh, just all the rest! I do have a lot of positive things going for me, but no, I haven't found the 'balance/cure' yet for myself.
Some of this 'stuff', I am realizing more now, because my mother hated my OC issues. I don't wear make-up, because I feel like it's suffocating me (I associate it somehow with putting wax on the leaves of plants, so they can't 'breathe' and neither can I!); my nails have always been a mess, with the nail-biting and cuticle issues, so how could I paint them, and why would I want to anyways (Again, my nails need to breathe, just like my skin.)? And do we even need to talk about perms?!! My mother studied as a cosmetologist, and one of the strangest things that I have heard from her to date, just about two months ago, is that her hair coloring had been discontinued. She said, "I was able to go online, and find the few last boxes of my coloring. I can't believe this!!! My mother was able to buy her specific hair-coloring up until the day that she died, and now, what am I going to do?! Everyone will know that I've done something to my hair when I have to change hair colors!!" I am going through one of the more difficult times in my life right now (Worst?), and all she can care about is her hair color, and what will happen when people find out that she dyes her hair? I was dumbstruck from the phone conversation, not knowing what to really say, and the fact that she was getting emotional about 'her hair coloring' was very disturbing to me.
On end, these stories about her. Unbelievable, really! And yet, I still question myself, about my reasons for engaging in NC with her again (Is she a narcissist?). I've always felt/thought that things were backwards in my family, like I was the parent raising THEM. They are like little kids, and I can't help but wonder if my actions are like 'abandoning' them as a parent. At some point, however (like now), I need to parent/nurture/love myself, and when all is said and done, if they are still alive, I'll be back...but stronger. I had to write this, because it's been in my head...and I'm likewise aware that it's not normal or healthy.
Thank YOU for allowing me to share!
Peace, Love, and Prosperity!
So, no, things are not perfect here by any means. Eventually, I will just have to go to the more general forum boards to discuss my hoarding (paper/plastics issues), my 'ritualistic' means for dealing with paper/plastics, my destructive obsession/tendencies with my cuticles (which my sister has likewise suggested as being a bizarre form of self-harm/mutilation)...and, Ohhhhh, just all the rest! I do have a lot of positive things going for me, but no, I haven't found the 'balance/cure' yet for myself.
Some of this 'stuff', I am realizing more now, because my mother hated my OC issues. I don't wear make-up, because I feel like it's suffocating me (I associate it somehow with putting wax on the leaves of plants, so they can't 'breathe' and neither can I!); my nails have always been a mess, with the nail-biting and cuticle issues, so how could I paint them, and why would I want to anyways (Again, my nails need to breathe, just like my skin.)? And do we even need to talk about perms?!! My mother studied as a cosmetologist, and one of the strangest things that I have heard from her to date, just about two months ago, is that her hair coloring had been discontinued. She said, "I was able to go online, and find the few last boxes of my coloring. I can't believe this!!! My mother was able to buy her specific hair-coloring up until the day that she died, and now, what am I going to do?! Everyone will know that I've done something to my hair when I have to change hair colors!!" I am going through one of the more difficult times in my life right now (Worst?), and all she can care about is her hair color, and what will happen when people find out that she dyes her hair? I was dumbstruck from the phone conversation, not knowing what to really say, and the fact that she was getting emotional about 'her hair coloring' was very disturbing to me.
On end, these stories about her. Unbelievable, really! And yet, I still question myself, about my reasons for engaging in NC with her again (Is she a narcissist?). I've always felt/thought that things were backwards in my family, like I was the parent raising THEM. They are like little kids, and I can't help but wonder if my actions are like 'abandoning' them as a parent. At some point, however (like now), I need to parent/nurture/love myself, and when all is said and done, if they are still alive, I'll be back...but stronger. I had to write this, because it's been in my head...and I'm likewise aware that it's not normal or healthy.
Thank YOU for allowing me to share!
Peace, Love, and Prosperity!
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