Where My Memories End-- Anyone Else?

[Kintsugi]

I've been realizing further and further in my efforts to remember all that I can that each of my memories ends just before the abuse actually occurs. I can see where I am, where my abusers are, and then it ends, like a dream that ends right before you die and then you wake up.

This really bothers me because I feel like I don't know what the extent of my abuse truly was, and I am not hoping to gain this information from my abusers anytime soon. I was sexually abused between the ages of three-ish and seven-ish (I ballpark from memories of how tall I was, what I was wearing--how do I remember THOSE details so well?), then was in an abusive relationship between 13-15. The more I think about it, the more I realize I can't remember instances of the specific abuse from either. I have more of the general jist of what was going on with the later abuse, but it's like a film that cuts out the sex scenes, leaving us with naked shadows and re-opening to people collecting their clothes. The earlier abuse just stops at the beginning of whatever physical contact was occurring. I'm really worried about this amnesia because it makes me feel like I'll never know what actually happened to me.

Does anyone know any techniques for helping bring these hidden memories to light? I know it's normal to forget but I'm at a stage in my life where I just want to remember. Has anyone undergone some kind of hypnosis therapy that brings you back to the incident? I'm not really sure if I believe in that, but I want to know what works.

 

[ronin47]

Are you in therapy? The best advice I can give is to work through what you can in trauma therapy and then, if your experience is anything like mine, those memories will, for better or for worse, start to come back to you. That's what happened with me, things that I knew had occured but seemed like very distant memories in that I didn't remember them too well started popping up in my head in more vivid detail. Your mind has suppressed these memories because it doesn't feel like it has the tools to cope with them. Once you build a strong "toolbox" for regulating emotion and coping with stress those memories should begin to surface. I've never undergone hypnosis therapy but I think the idea behind it is it gets rid of subconciouss inhibition and, in a manner of speaking, relaxes the mind. It's a pretty common tool for recovering lost memories, but just because it's commonly used doesn't mean it's valid.

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm not in therapy right now. I stopped going to therapy because I left my home state for faraway college. There is free therapy through the college, but those therapists never really seem that helpful to my needs. They sympathize with me in a way that hasn't seemed helpful. My old therapist did a lot of validation, but she also knew when to tell me I was acting inappropriately. I've been hearing a lot about CBT therapy on this forum and thinking about looking into that, but I don't know if this will help me regain memory.

 

[Reclusive]

Is it possible that your college could refer you to another t so that you don't have to go through the shuffle?

 

[Kintsugi]

I know some contacts through friends, at least for CBT, but their network exists to serve abused children so I would hope that they'd have trauma specialist contacts. My college has been really unsupportive recently towards this issue on our campus, which is tragic because we have an appalling history with sexual assault on campus as well as a fairly large support group of those who have suffered sexual trauma. Grr!

 

[Reclusive]

Definitely tap into those contacts. My experience is that schools generally suck for these kinds of things - they're more of a triage kinda thing most the time.

 

[Awakening]

I'm the same

 

[Serene]

This really bothers me because I feel like I don't know what the extent of my abuse truly was,

I can relate to this so much. I have vivid memories of my dad grabbing my butt and calling me "tight ass" throughout my entire childhood. I remember Playboys and Penthouse in the magazine holder. I remember him commenting on my hard nipples and my sexy lips. I have very vague memories involving my brother chasing me and grabbing me.

But the thing is, I feel like I know things that I don't remember. I know that I had sex with my brother. I know that my dad did other things to me. But I have no memory of these things. I have snippets of vague memories that I don't know what to do with. It's all so frustrating. It leaves me with that feeling of questioning myself...am I just making all of this up?

 

[anthony]

But the thing is, I feel like I know things that I don't remember. I know that I had sex with my brother.

Can you explain a little better, how you know, yet also cannot remember please?

I know that my dad did other things to me. But I have no memory of these things.

Same again please...

I have snippets of vague memories that I don't know what to do with. It's all so frustrating. It leaves me with that feeling of questioning myself...am I just making all of this up?

Snippets are memories... and it depends what you write above to what I will answer next. But snippets of memory confirm you're not just making it up.

 

[Serene]

I have blurry visions that I can't quite call memories. But if I am saying that I know it happened, I guess there is a part of me that believes they are real memories. I feel split up into sections. There is an "adult protector" part who seems to state things that the "scared, confused child" part doesn't have the ability to vocalize. And even as I type this there is another part who is screaming, "No! No! This is not true!" This part seems to want to keep the peace at any cost: just leave everything where it is and maybe it will all go away.

 

[Kintsugi]

I felt like that earlier in my recollection process. My mother would interrogate me about who abused me, and one part of me would yell the answer, and another part would quell the screaming and say, "No, no. Nothing. No one. Never."

 

[Tosh]

I agree with ronin47. Since I started therapy a supressed memory will pop in my head in very vivid detail, when I am able to deal with it. There are events that happened where I remember only the begining and end too. being tied up and taken to the basement, then next thing I remember is being untied. I don't know how long I was down there or what, if anything happened to me. I don't want to remember unless I am able to deal with it.