My mother was not nurturing. She had issues before I was born . She grew up with her Nana, in an alcohol induced violent household with rough and ready uncles who had no issues throwing punches and carrying on. Her mother died when she was young, her father died not long after and her father was also in jail for a time when she was a baby. Her mother was a street hooker from what information I have been able to collect on the woman. And she never wanted anything to do with her child. Apparently she gave my mother up to her father.
My earliest memory of self loathing and desperation was when I as approx 4-5 years old. I found some pills in my uncles room. I took the whole lot. I didn't want to live, I wanted to die. when I had this flashback I was overwhelmed with grief for myself as to how young and how low and unloved I must have felt to want to do this. my Nana found me and rushed me to hospital to have my stomach pumped. I can't be sure if the sexual abuse had started by the step monster or if this was just from the neglect I felt from losing my real dad and having a neglectful mother.
I still have flashbacks of warmth and love when I smell a mechanics workshop, I never knew why until I found out our senses hold more memories. I felt safe with my dad when he came home from work.god knows what my mother did when he was at work and then it was gone. My mother left my father when I was 2 and I was kidnapped at 2.5 yrs by my dad because he thought I would be better off with him... how right he was... and how wrong it was for the justice system to hand me to my mother thinking it was the best thing for a child. My father then abandoned me and gave up his parental rights to the woman who gave birth to me and to the predator of a man my mother was seeing. I feel this is the root of my abandonment problems. From then my mother left me with the step monster who abused me sexually and played mind games with me and my mother neglected her duties to be a caring protective mother, instead she was jealous and critical and neglectful .. I believe that we have choices, she had a role model to work from, if she chose to, my Nana, who was the only person to show me love and limited safety, she was the mother of the step monster. Nana I have to say is the reason I haven't turned out worse and made me want to be a better kind and caring person, to the best of my abilities. Under the self loathing and destructiveness that comes from neglect.
