Why Am I Blaming My Wife?

[Volta]

I've recently come to the realization that I've been inadvertently blaming my wife for a lot of things that may or may not be her fault. I've been doing this for years, and am finally realizing it now. It has always been quiet and indirect, but nevertheless, I've still been doing it. When I'd finally realized this, a wave of memories came at me from my trauma days and I was unable to stop crying.

Has anyone else found this to be true of themselves? Any similar situations? If so, would you be willing to share a little, and maybe help me shed some light on things?

 

[Don't trip]

Volta,

Very interesting. That would be projection. I guess the first thing to ask yourself when you're applying blame to her, is what you're blaming her for, does the foundation for it lie within something you yourself are feeling/doing. Does this make sense?

I know that for me, I am a perfectionist. If I have a weakness and am confronted, I tend to blame initially, before I realize that the reasons for the confrontation are valid.

There is something to this that I've not figured out yet. Perhaps it's due to trauma in that abusers are the ulimate projection screens. They project their behavior onto us and if it happened as children, we take on the projections, even if they are not really applicable to our inner being.

It's important to identify what those projections are so you can deal effectively with them. They can have a foundation, for me anyway, in fear. Fear of something. It could be anything.

I hope this helps some.

 

[Eleanor]

When my H gets upset he "turns me into his mother/ex-wife in his mind." When he calms down, it goes away and he goes back to seeing me as the pillar of virtue that I really am.:D The period of being the "bad guy" are pretty hard to take. Here is the thing that we have learned tho, whenever he "catches" himself having thoughts about me that are not well grounded in the evidence it opens up the opportunity to do some serious processing of old trauma. It is unpleasant stuff but if you can "catch them" they are guiding stars pointing you toward what is up for being healed right now. Feel free to read back in my Supporter's Diary for a more detailed account. Habitual thought process are good things to take a long hard look at and try to break out of.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I do that to my mum :/

When I was 15 I had shingles in my inner ear. My life changed inexplicably. I could barely walk (the nerve damage destroyed my equilibrium) , I was in horrific chronic pain, my immune system began to fail, I had facial paralysis, and I could barely function anymore. Within 3 weeks time I went from high school athlete that was being scouted for college to an invalid.

Overtime I managed to get control of walking despite constant vertigo, but the pain and poor immune system remained. I missed 2/3 of the last 3 years of high school. I was forced to learn it all on my own in between hospital stays.

Just when I finally got to the point that I was feeling semi productive I was in my second year of college. But that didn't last. Without knowing, the shingles I had when I was 15 caused bone degeneration in my jaw. While in my dorm as I was eating crackers I dislocated my jaw and I had to take medical leave from college for a series of jaw reconstructions. I just got over the surgeries about last year only to be diagnosed with PTSD. I'll be 23 in a few months.

The only reason why I'm essentially writing all this out is because... My trauma stems from illness. And I struggle with my anger because of it. For the longest tine I was so angry, bitter, and callous. But the worst part for me was what could I direct my anger towards? My immune system? Myself for being sick? There was no object to direct my anger towards and I felt jolted. I had no power as I was in those hospital beds day after day watching my life pass as quickly as the changing of the seasons. Doctors filled my life. I barely socialized with anyone my age. So I repressed my anger over and over again because logically there was nothing I could focus my anger on.

But there was my mother, my loving mother who was and is Always afraid for my life and health. But at the time I was angry and lost (still am for the most part) and there she was. Always hovering, always reminding me to be careful (as if I didn't already know that). My daily life was nothing but constant moderation and evaluation. Weighing the value of activities, like bowling, and the repercussions of how I'd feel the day after, like hell and excruciating pain. My life was changed and it would never be the way it was before. I knew that. That simple fact burned and hit me deep. And while she meant well she and her actions were only a reminder of that change. It irritated and infuriated me like no other. It was like shoving salt in the open wound and being spit on all at once. Being constantly reminded of my limitations made me snap at her.

It's only in the past year that I've been able to see the big picture. That she was a frantic mother doing what she could for me. Anything she could. I was suicidal, I never told her or anyone that, but I bet she could tell to some extent where my thoughts took me at times. So now I can understand her constant worries and hovering to a point. And I feel awful about it. That I turned her into my scape goat, my Whipping Boy.

It hurts me now how much anger I had directed at her. To her he was taking a sick child to the doctor. For me she was explicitly taking me to the hellhole that medically experimented on me when all I wanted to do was stay in my bed and cry from all the physical pain I was in.

All that anger was unloaded on her. And I'm sorry for it. I try so hard not to let her care bother me anymore. I try to not take it as an insult, but it's like she's almost become a trigger for me. And I feel horrible to even admitting to that.

So I guess long story short... I understand what you're feeling. And I appreciate this thread. This is something that's been bothering me for a long time but it's only been the first time I've ever been able to verbalize it.

I hope this helps....

 

[Eleanor]

Wow, 99Phoenix - I am so terribly sorry that you (and your poor mother) have had to go through all this. And I think the insights in your post are really really profound, and will open all sorts of new possibilities for you.

If you are not already doing it - have you two thought about doing some therapy together? You each clearly need some more individual support than you have gotten with this (Have human beings ALWAYS been this stupid about emotions? or have we just gotten hideously bad at it in recent history?) and it seems like you guys might really benefit from a good "couples counsellor" who could help you two find your ways to a place where you could be a team dealing with all this.

 

[The Albatross]

Some of the projection in my present relationship is residual from my bio family/parental dynamic. Some is from my first marriage. Awareness is the opportunity to change the dynamic... but old behaviors can be tenacious. Good insight and you've got some baggage to deal with. I do/did too.

I assess the stuff with my spouse on a one for one, and try to keep in mind that he is a "well intentioned person or good willed person". It helps me to ratchet down the force of some of the emotions I feel at stressful/frustrating times. I also try to keep in mind, "How important is this anyway?" Rather than take on each matter with my spouse with the same level of intensity, I'm learning how to pause and ask myself if it's really worth creating some conflict about. Gauging the situation before reacting, learning how to take that pause for a quick assessment was big for me.

Alot of the "quiet" or "indirect"... is because (for myself) I was conditioned to avoid conflict. So was he. But you've got some good insights and I firmly believe, when we've gotten the insight to our own behavior, we have an opportunity to change and improve Volta.

 

[99Phoenix99]

have you two thought about doing some therapy together?

I appreciate the reply Eleanor. We have tried therapy together once. Instead of rehashing everything from the past I focused on what I need now and more importantly what I don't need. I'm trying to wrestle my own independence which is a constant battle. We've been stuck in the role of sick child and super mom for years that now that I'm older and getting better it's hard for both of us to create new roles with one another. I go to regular therapy on my own and am learning ways there to empower myself, so that's really helpful. But it's still a work in progress.

 

[Eleanor]

Sounds like your mom gets a lot out of "rescuing" you? Of course that is exactly what she was trying to do, however well or poorly she succeeded. It is hard to be freaking out (as a mom) and be conscious of your kid's state at the same time. And it sounds like you guys could have had better communication all the way through.

Probably goes without saying, but it sounds like at this ponit she has her own issues independent of you (gak)... as if your life weren't complicated enough as it is. This kind of trauma thing has a way of taking a family that appears ok and healthy on the outside and opening up all the somewhat uncomfortable parts and making them look horrible and oozy. And sometimes they are really bad, and other times (mostly) they are not. Not to say that either is your situation necessarily - and that it wouldn't be all that surprising if it was. And it is not necessarily be a *bad* thing at the end of the day to open this kind of thing up and get it sorted out.

Obviously, I wish your parents were well suited to support you in dealing with this and getting you launched on your own independent life - but they may not have been able to do a bang up job on that front even without all this "extra" going on. (I teach college, and I see a LOT of trouble with this transition... Sometimes I shock my students by asking "So, just how much of a jerk is your father/mother? I mean, do they want you to be miserable" :D It does seem to clear the air a bit admitting that they might be jerks, and so opens up the possibility that they might not be jerks too. And recognizing that they are not such great idiots as all that is sometimes liberating. And every so often, it turns out that the parent does want them to be miserable, which is sad and really really hard, but good to know.)

Hang in there. You'll make it, and so will they.

Oh, and do you know the "spoon theory? Link Removed
It is most helpful...

 

[Powder]

My supporter Husband of 14 years and I are finding I have a lot of anger at him that (we assume) comes from anger trapped from father/abuser. I even get angry that he inadvertently triggers my anger. It always seems he does it on purpose!

I don't blame him for my PTSD, but things are going less than well in the present. We are both under plenty of stress. It seems he pushes me over the edge when things get tense for me. I am not blaming him for that part, just the pushing buttons at inopportune times part because he says "he's getting tired of my anger always under the surface."

He's right that I have repressed anger, but gosh, has he any idea of what I'm supposed to do with it? I sure don't! Therapist suggested writing nasty things about my abuser, punching things, screaming, etc. I can't do that stuff. Even before I could start, I will just end up crying and having triggers. I don't even get to anger. It stays put like lava under the volcano. And now I have another man in my life who doesn't want to see my anger.

The problem is, sometimes a supporter is a human being who does something dumb that makes everyone angry. When the PTSD spouse feels and shows anger, that anger is not acceptable since it's fueled also by "old stuff." But hey, everyone gets angry sometimes, and everyone does stuff that makes me angry sometimes. I just feel anger far more often than my spouse.

It may be gender biased observing, but I have noticed that women seem to vent anger very frequently and in more manageable doses. I see men not being angry much, and then exploding. I've seen women do it, too, though. So maybe this is a gender communication style thing getting pulled into the PTSD conversation as well.

 

[Volta]

Thank you all for your wonderful responses. It's apparent I'm not alone in this type of circumstance, and it's nice to see that. I'm kind of taking it all in at the moment, trying to be more mindful, and so forth, so I'm afraid I don't have much to say except a huge thank you to everyone who replied. :)